Total Pageviews

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Thanks For Reading

Dear Readers,

Here's a big thanks for your commitment to reading my blog, "Rod's Crazy Advice."  As you can tell it was my ironic or as some would say, my sarcastic side coming out. I got that out of my system for a while and I must admit that I feel much better. I no longer feel the need to be sarcastic and to misguide people through life so I therefore will abandon my writing of this blog for a while. It may not go away entirely for I never know when the IRS will try to intimidate me into paying someone else's taxes. Or I don't know when there will be another outbreak in Barking Dog Subdivision. Or I don't know when Home Depot will block off the aisle I need to shop in. I may remain sarcastic about those such things. When I do, you may run into another post on my blog. God have mercy on you. 

But, until then, thanks. But keep paying for me because I need to shop Home Depot frequently. In that case you may need to pray for yourself lest I blog again.

May the Lord have mercy on us all!


No longer committed to crazy advice.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Way Too Loud

Harmon wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've got a really big problem that I am now dealing with. I have been attending the same church for the past ten years or so and have witnessed a lot of changes in that time.  When I first started attending there was a different pastor than there is now and, conversely, a different minister of music. The music has also changed with the minister. When I once enjoyed the worship service I am now very uncomfortable. Where as we used to sing a mix of traditional and contemporary songs, the songs are now all contemporary. Also, the music is so loud that I can hardly stand it. In fact, I had to leave the service a couple of times because the music was so penetrating.

Whatever happened to the old gospel songs? Those were songs that had depth and great meaning. I don't mean that we should sing only those songs, but lately we sing none of them. I love my church but I feel that my needs are no longer being met in the worship service. Do you have any advice for me?

Dear Harmon,

You sound like you are as old as I am. And, yes, I do have some advice.

First of all, I think that you should admit to yourself that you are old and out dated and that your needs don't matter as much as that of the younger people. To talk plainly to you, you are an old codger. Maybe the term "old geezer" is better. The world about us is changing but old codgers change slower than the world does.

Secondly, You can make up your mind that you will go with the flow. Bring your own earplugs if you need to or use the ones that the church provides.  Though it does seem strange that a church would provide earplugs because they know their music is too loud.

Thirdly, you can sit in the foyer until the music service is over. That will give you a chance to learn all the contemporary songs you don't know without having to sing them. Some of them actually have a good message and should be easy to learn because the same line is used over and over.

Fourthly, you can start your own church called "The First Church of the Old Codgers."  I'll bet there are scores of other old codgers just like yourself who would gladly attend so long as they could sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus", and "Holy, Holy, Holy" once in a while. And even though you probably need a hearing aide for normal things, at least you would not have to wear earplugs.

Finally, if any of my advice works, let me know.

Committed to crazy advice,


Thursday, April 19, 2012

IRS Oversteps

This is an editorial on the IRS (that's the Internal Revenue Service for those of you who don't pay taxes).

As a self employed business owner I am required to make quarterly estimated payments to the IRS for taxes on income that I may or may not have earned. This includes both the employer and employees parts for Social Security which is called self employment taxes. The government wants to be sure to grab my money whether I have actually earned income or not.

Those who work for me are sub-contractors, which also qualifies them as self employed businessmen. This means that they must also pay their taxes the same way I do. I am therefore exempt from paying their taxes because they are not my employees.

However, the IRS is now using a new tactic to collect taxes that are owed. Two of my sub-contractors have neglected to pay any of their Federal or self employment taxes. The IRS has now sent me tax levies for each of these sub-contractors expecting me to withhold any future payments to my contractors and sending it in to the government. So they figure that by sending me a bill for $28,300 for someone else's taxes that I will do them the big favor of somehow coming up with the money for them. These tax bills go back to 2008. This prompts me to ask the question as to why they didn't go after these business owners earlier.

Anyway, One of the contractors I was able to call and he called the IRS and got set up on a payment plan. I got off the hook on that one. But this recent one for $28,300 I am unable to do so because the contractor hasn't subbed for me for over two years. I don't know where this is going to go.

But here's the point(s). First of all, by garnishing someone's contract pay I am putting the safety of myself, my wife, and my property at risk. Obviously the IRS doesn't care about that. They're all about the money and they have no conscience. Secondly, I do not believe that they can legally require me to collect another businessman's taxes. Thirdly, all of the tax preparers that I have talked to agree with me and say that this is simply a method of intimidation.

The last point is probably the most important point. Our government has shifted from being "for the people" to a government of "penalties and intimidation." They are all about the money to keep themselves running. If there is a fourth point it is this: The taxes that we pay are intrusive and overbearing. Lower tax rates would lead to more willing tax payers. Lower taxes would stimulate the economy. I know one thing for sure.... I'd be building more decks, installing more doors, buying more materials. The government doesn't care about that. They just want more money to pay their salaries so that they can upgrade their own houses. They don't care about your house.

My advice. Abolish the IRS. Go to a system where everyone pays taxes (40% of Americans don't). A consumption tax is fairest. Basic necessities exempt, and that doesn't mean beer and dog food. Eliminate the Federal tax on gasoline; low income people have to go to work, too. Create a 12 step program for IRS workers as they withdraw from their addiction to government checks and integrate into the world that the rest of us live in.

Still committed to crazy advice (although this advice is not so crazy)


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hank Watches at Home

Hank Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm not very good at writing but I will try this anyhow. You sure were right about going to sporting events. Did you see those Rockies last night? Man did they ever stink. I'm sure glad I didn't go to that ball game. I always sits at home and watches them play and when they stinks like that I just shuts them off and grabs another beer and burrito and finds something else to watch. Those millionaire baseball players aren't getting any of my money. Tell Delvin he's right for saving his money.

Dear Hank,

In case you haven't noticed this blog is "Rod's Crazy Advice." I guess that for some of you I will have to Capitalize the word "crazy" and perhaps drop the word "advice." Some of you just don't get it that I use a lot of irony in my blog. And, no, irony is not a metal. But I will be direct with you because you are just plain "stupid." you might have to look that word up in the dictionary if you can find it under all your beer cans and burrito wrappers.

First, of all, you are paying those millionaire baseball players salaries if you watch them on TV. Ever heard of television rights? Your cable company pays for television rights which in turn you pay for with your cable subscription. So let me thumb my nose at you on that one.

Secondly, you were watching the wrong game last night. On another sports channel the Nuggets won their most important game of the season by two points. That would have been worth your money, which by the way you did pay.

Thirdly, I'm not opposed to people squandering their money by going to the ball games and sporting events. It's their money and they can make millionaires out of professional players if they want to. Besides, with ticket prices it is mostly millionaires sitting in the stands anyway. Of course, the Rock Pile still has cheap tickets and the bonus is that you might even get beaned with a home run ball and have a nice lump on your head to show your friends the next day. But if you sit there you'd better bring your binoculars. But careful, you don't want the ball to hit you in the binoculars while looking through them. I can just see your two black eyes now. :-)

Finally, Do you have to get out of your chair to reach the fridge or the pantry? I was just wondering because you seem like the type that just sits. Please don't tell me that you have a bedpan next to your favorite chair.

So my advice to you is to get out of the house. Go to the baseball game. You haven't really lived until someone has spilled a cold beer on you.

And one more thing, you are right..... you aren't very good at writing. You're not supposed to end every other word with an s.

Committed to CRAZY (That is just for you)


Monday, April 16, 2012

Take Me to the Ballgame!

Delvin wrote:

Dear Rod,

We have four major sports teams in our city and we seldom to never go to see them perform. My wife keeps saying we should do this sometime but we never seem to get it on our calendar and we certainly don't get online to buy tickets. We just can't seem to get into the habit of doing that. Do you have any advice?

Dear Delvin,

Thanks for writing. I really sympathize with your problem. I want you to imagine the tears running down my cheeks. Actually, I'm not crying for you but for the poor underpaid professional players who are trying to feed their families while you and your wife sit there and stonewall on buying tickets. Shame!

Just think of what you and your wife are missing out on by not going to the baseball game. First of all you miss driving through bumper-to-bumper traffic getting there. You miss out on paying $30 for parking. Then you will certainly miss standing in the long line waiting to get in. Then there is finding your seat only to discover the guy in front of you is wearing a big cowboy hat and the guy behind you is already drunk and is about to spill beer on you and your wife. Then you get to miss out on buying $8 hotdogs and $7 cokes. You will certainly miss the nice soft cushion on your seat because you forgot to bring one. And you will miss your umbrella, too because you forgot that at home. You will miss seeing the faces of your favorite players because you are sitting too far back and forgot your binoculars. You won't even recognize your favorite players by number because the other day the all wore #42.

I'm asking, why would anyone actually want to go to the game when they can watch it on the HD 50 inch screen TV, park in the garage, enjoy 50 cent hotdogs and cokes, sit in a padded chair where the footrest flips up and the bathroom is just down the hall. At home you also get to see the important plays several times and the person next to you isn't spilling beer on you. A great night in for the two of you for about $10. And you don't have to worry about the beer drinking fan driving in the next lane.

And Delvin, don't you just love it that you didn't spend about $100 to sit in the rain and watch your team lose while the $20 million guy throws his bat down in anger?

Hope I've helped.

Committed to crazy advice,


Thursday, April 12, 2012

They Don't Get It!

Boaz wrote:

Dear Rod,

I don't think that Bernice and Jesse get it! I'm sitting here in Estes Park, Colorado enjoying a great cup of coffee and the best carrot cake I've ever eaten. It's not all about the coffee. Sometimes you have to go to where the carrot cake is. I'm looking out this window at the beautiful mountains and the Big Thompson River running below me and I am thinking, "Where else can I get this?" So I think that Bernice and Jesse need to smarten up.


Dear Boaz,

You must have been an unwanted child in order for your parents to give you a name like that! And keep talking like that and you will be an unwanted husband, too. Bernice and Jesse might not get it, but you don't have to belittle them. By the way, are you married to Bernice.... or ..... Jesse? Is this a family feud that is going on here? Did Jesse buy the Prius yet?

The problem here, Boaz, is that most men don't have a clue about the likes and dislikes of their wives. And I hope I am saying wives singularly. It's really all in how you ask them to go to coffee with you. You don't just say "let's go to coffee." You gotta say, "how would you like a nice hazelnut latte or mocha frap?" Then she will say, "Where?" Then you will say, "How about that nice little coffee shop in the mountains where the scenery is so nice?" Then she will say, "Who's car are we taking?" And you'll say, "We'll take the Prius so we can save on gas." Then she'll say, "I'm all for saving money. It's cheaper than going to some chick flick, so let's go." And now you will save some money because you won't need that expensive divorce lawyer.

So I'm guessing that if you are not married to Bernice or Jesse, you must be married to Ruth. I haven't heard from Ruth, yet. Do you mind if I call you Az for short?

Hope everything works out for you.


More Coffee Issues

Jesse wrote:

Dear Rod,

I agree with Bernice. My husband also has a big coffee problem. He drinks so much coffee that his pee comes out brown. Even his eyes twitch and his hands shake. Not only that we have to drive a long ways to go to certain coffee shops. One of his favorites is thirty miles away, and another is just about that far away. The other day we actually drove fifty miles one way to get a cup of coffee, and I don't even like the stuff. We're paying almost as much for gas as we are coffee now. I think Bernice is right and enough is enough!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!


Dear Jesse,

What ever gave you the idea that I smoke? It sounds like you and Bernice are sisters and you are married to the same man. That's weird.

I don't think his twitchy eyes and shaky hands are from too much coffee. I think he's just scared to ask you to go with him again. I can imagine how that conversation goes. I think you need to make up to him by buying him a Starbucks card.

Have you ever heard of the Prius? I think you need to get one so that you can quit complaining about the price of gas.

What else would you do with your free time? Go to some chick flick? Can you imagine what the daily popcorn and coke would cost there? Besides, you know good and well that your favorite theater is twenty miles away. You're actually saving money buying coffee.

Jesse, what can be better than sitting at a Starbucks with great music playing, looking at the beautiful Colorado mountain scenery, and commiserating with friends? But I do admit that if you live in Iowa looking out the window at cornfields and hog farms my not be ideal.

Go buy yourself a Prius, then write me and let me know how life is going.

Committed to Crazy Advice,


Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Bernice wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husbands favorite thing to do with his free time is go to a coffee shop. It seems we can never figure anything else out to do. I am so tired of seeing the inside of a Starbucks that I could absolutely puke. Yet, I end up going along with him because he can't seem to think of anything else to do. And do you know what our Starbucks bill is? No wonder their stock is doing so well. I feel like we are supporting them all by ourselves.

Do you have any advice?

Dear Bernice,

Oh no! What a bummer! Your husband is addicted to coffee. I think you need to have him committed to a twelve step program. I just don't get it, all these people throwing their lives away drinking coffee. What a shame?

Oh ya, you wanted advice. Well here it is. Force yourself to learn to like lattes and frapaccinos (or however you spell it). Then buy some Starbucks stock and sit back and buy yourself rich. Who knows, maybe you will open your own Starbucks someday. Then you will be glad for all those slugs who are addicted to coffee.

Perhaps you could invent Starbucks coffee flavored soft serve ice cream. I can't understand why nobody has done that yet. Perhaps you could do that, then walk around town with one of those little ice cream carts. You'll be getting kids started on coffee early which is good for future business at your store.

Just think, one day you will be able to stand in front of a group and say, "My name is Bernice and I am a coffeeholic." Everybody will applaud.

Write me when your husband is cured,

Committed to crazy advice,


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Mr. Mitts is on a Roll

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

I want to thank you for all your previous advice. As you can see, it has all paid off. I'm on a roll now and will soon have the nomination. This just shows that being a good guy and spending millions does pay off. But I am wondering why you never advised me to give a speech while holding a cute little puppy.

Anyway, is there any advice you can give me now as I prepare to run against Mr. O?

Dear Mr. Mitts,

Thanks for the compliments.

First of all you have to show the American people that Mr. O is more out of touch with their needs than you are. No more mentioning the two Cadillacs your wife drives, even if they are American made. Remember that the rest of us don't have even one Cadillac. And please don't say anything about the elevator being built for you car at your mansion in California. Those of us who have elevators live in apartment buildings.... not mansions.

You have to focus on denouncing Mittscare as one of your biggest mistakes. If you don't, how can you denounce Obamycare?

You have to focus on jobs. It's been so long that some Americans have had one that they might not know what you are talking about. They need to be reminded that its not a government check for watching TV.

You have to focus on cheaper gas so folks can drive their Focus. I thought that was a nice play on words. It should never cost $50 to fill a Focus. And, yes, supply and demand does work here. We produce more of our own and the Saudis will lower their price. It's funny how they understand the free market system better than we do. Don't forget your slogan, "a Cadillac in every garage, and a gallon of gas in every tank!"

Stop the presses! I mean, let's quit printing bogus money that makes everything cost more. Nobody likes being paid with funny money.... not even the Chinese.

As far as making a speech with a cute puppy goes, I was saving that for your presidential run. But I have been somewhat Stymied, I have been searching for a dog that matches your personality and have had a really hard time since it appears that you have no personality. I wish that just once you'd get a little excited about something. You don't have to look presidential all the time. But you don't have to sound like Howard Dean, either.

One more thing..... don't forget about my endorsement fee. Remember that Mr. Sanitation isn't dead in the water yet.

Write me again when you are president. I will be glad to be your press secretary.

Committed to crazy advice,


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Michelle's Husband Complains

Husband wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have to keep this anonymous since I am a high profile figure. But I need some advice concerning my wife, Michelle. She has this thing with food. Everything in our house has to be organic and healthful. No snack foods in our house! No chips, no ice cream, no twinkies, and no little debbies. Her idea of a snack is a banana, or an orange, or something like that. Not only that, she won't let me smoke. She even goes out of town to seminars telling people what to eat. She just doesn't understand that a man just has to have a good junk food snack every now and then. Well, let me rephrase that.... every day. It's no wonder I'm so thin. The only time I can snack or smoke is when she's away at one of her wholesome food seminars.

I'm wondering, is there any advice you can give me?

Dear Anonymous,

I think your wife wrote me yesterday. Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? And yes, I have some advice.

First of all I want to say that I agree with you. It's hard to beat a good junk food snack. I've been eating them for years and haven't died from diabetes yet. After I doctored the scale, I don't weigh any more, either.

I think you are doing the right thing sneaking behind your wife's back eating junk food. But man, the cigs have to go.

You could have some secret service agents buy you junk food and relabel it as healthy. They could also relabel the bananas as artificially grown near some atomic plant.

Or, you could stand up and be a man and say "Wify dear, I'll have a little Debbie or a Kent if I want one." But you'd better have a good lawyer..... at least a better one than what went before the supreme court the other day because Michelle might think that a little Debbie is just another Monica Lewinski, and Kent might mean you are sexually disoriented.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, April 6, 2012

Michelle Complains About Her Husband

Dear Rod

I know I'm taking a big change writing you, but right now I'm really desperate. I have a lot of issues with my husband. For one, he's always talking politics. Then he goes to one political meeting after another. Sometimes he even flies out of town for these meetings. He has a habit of distorting the truth, he's always negative, a lot of his friends have abandoned him, and I even had to nag him into quit smoking. Thank God he quit smoking. I wish he'd get a normal job like everyone else.

I'm taking a chance on you,


Dear Michelle,

Thanks for writing. It sounds like your husband is Mr. O.

First of all, I can't blame him for talking politics, but I would much rather have him take another vacation to Hawaii. But I'm afraid that even there he will have another political meeting.

Secondly, Have you tried washing his mouth out with soap. When I was a kid and got sassy with my mom or lied to her I got a good taste of Zest. Actually that was a bad taste that did cure me for a day or two. So, with Barak you'll have to keep a lot of Zest around.

Thirdly, losing friends is what you do when you constantly talk politics. He would have much better success telling his friends how much money he can give them. Money always talks.

Fourthly, I'm glad you have the smoking issue under control. But have you walked out behind the White House to see if there are any cigarette butts on the ground? I'm telling you, talking politics the way he does will drive any man to smoke.

As far as the normal job is concerned, there are no normal jobs. They have all gone away. He hasn't caught on yet that the government doesn't actually create jobs. He's busy hindering corporations and companies that do. So in about nine months, good luck job hunting. I have friends who have been without a job for over two years. Just thought I would encourage you.
And in reality, I, too, hope he has a normal job soon.

Hope I've encouraged you,

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Peeved Contractor

Clarence wrote:

Dear Rod,

My name is Clarence and I'm a contractor. The biggest peeve I have with my work is that people expect me to do work for free. It always goes like this: "As long as you are here I've got something else for you to look at. It will only take a few minutes." I never hear them say.... "I'm willing to pay extra" or "would you give me a bid on that?" They're expecting freebies.

Just the other day we were painting this foyer where the ceiling is twenty-two feet high. The second story of this foyer has windows, huge windows, that had not been washed for at least a decade. The owner said, "While you are up there would you please wash the windows." I said, "Sure, that will take about an hour, we can add it on to the bill." He said, "You mean you won't just do it?" I said, "I pay my men by the hour." Well, anyway, to make a long story short, the owner got peeved. When he paid me at the end of the job he shorted me $100.

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this?


Dear Clarence,

What an idiot you are! Don't you know that contractors are in the same category as used car salesmen, politicians, lawyers, and doctors who screw up your surgery? Wow! I can't believe you are so naive. But, yes I do have some advice for you.

First, you can remain bitter and take the case to small claims court and waste your time there. You might get your hundred bucks back but I guarantee you that your former client will claim that you did a rotten job painting and that you were lucky to get paid what you did get paid.

Secondly, you can remain bitter and put a lien against his house. Of course that will cost you. But in your state of mind you might consider it worth it just to get even.

Thirdly, you can remain bitter and drive by his house in the middle of the night and throw a handful of roofing nails on the guy's driveway. Good luck sleeping, though.

Fourthly, you can get over it. You can recover the money by not buying those expensive Starbucks drinks for two weeks. You'll probably lose two pounds in the process. So you can write the guy a letter and tell him how happy you are that he cheated you because you are now on a great weight loss program because of it. He might think you are starving and send you the hundred dollars because his conscience is bothering him. But don't count on it because I think he lost his conscience a long time ago.

So, Clarence, don't be an idiot. Just get over it. Think of it this way, you never really lost $100. $52 of those dollars would be taxes. $10 would be your tithes to the church. So all you lost was $38. And think of it, you just got free advice so yo are probably money ahead.

Hope I've helped,

Committed to crazy advice,

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Poor Loser

Cindi wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've got a real problem that I don't know how to solve. Me and my sister like to play board games and cards and things like that together. In school I was always the better student like as in making the honor roll. My sister Katie never made the honor roll even once. Yet she almost always wins these games. I know I am smarter but she is always winning. Do you have some advice for me?

Dear Cindi,

It looks to me like you have a real life or death problem here. Your situation is of absolutely no interest to my readers or myself, yet, for some unknown reason beyond reason it was the best problem of the day. So, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, I would advise you to quit playing with your sister because you are getting a loser's complex. Conversely, your sister is getting a winner's complex. It will be really hard for you to beat her. And since the joy of the game for you is winning I suggest you quit while Katie is ahead.

Secondly, if you insist on playing games, you could do what most people do in your situation do.....resort to cheating. In fact, the reason your sister always wins must be because she is cheating. If Katie is younger than you, she probably learned early that she had to lie and cheat to beat you. She will go a long way in life. Mr. O is proof of that.

Thirdly, don't think you are so smart just because you made the honor roll. That mainly means that they filled your young skull full of mush with liberalism. That doesn't necessarily mean you are smart, it just means you don't like paper mills. Look at me, I never made the honor roll once and here I am writing this blog. Can you beat that for success?

Finally, find another liberal to play with. You will both find a way to lose. That aught to be a lot of fun. Just don't go to Vegas to play because ironically, all the risk takers are conservatives.

Oh gee, I didn't mean for this to turn political. I'll sure be glad when this presidential election is over.

Committed to crazy advice,


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Mr. O Asks Rod How He is Doing

Mr. O wrote:

Dear Rod,

How are you doing? Ooops, I meant to say, "How am I doing?" What I mean is, how do you think I'm doing with this year's presidential campaign? Did I spell "campaign" right? Well, anyway, I think you probably noticed how I got everybody's attention off the poor economy by making a big deal out of the killing of that black boy in Florida by that white guy. Well, he's white enough since he is hispanic. Boy, all the mainstream media jumped all over that and so did some congressmen and congresswomen. Folks will forget all about Obammycare and the poor economy.

Besides all that, the government is sending checks to 40% of Americans. That's 40% of the people that I can count on to vote for me. Pretty slick, don't you think? I might be able to win this election without buying your endorsement.

So, if the mic isn't on, I just want to say one thing..... screw you and your endorsement.

Sincerely (I think)

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O,

Thanks for writing once again.

Yes, I do think you will get 40% of the vote, but unless you have forgotten, it still takes around 50% to win an election. I am just wondering, are you as concerned about white boys who get murdered by black boys at you are about a black kid getting murdered (and there has been no trial) by someone you think is "white enough?" What ever happened to equality and justice for all? I think you need to know that there are still a lot of Americans who are color blind and believe in equal opportunity and equal justice. Creating a racial crisis is not a way to win an election. Were you an eye witness to the incident in Florida?

Secondly, after the above mentioned incident, the Obammycare fiasco, and the things that were said when you thought the mic was turned off, you couldn't raise enough money to buy my endorsement, which you will badly need to even come close in this election. Remember, Mr. O, all those people receiving free money are going to want a raise or they just might turn on you. It's funny how greed changes people. And where will you get that money. Oh ya, I forgot that you have printing presses.

Well, good luck! November is coming sooner than you realize. Do you want some real crazy advice? Quit before you fall further behind. This could be really embarrassing.

So, how am I doing? Fine. How are you doing? Not so fine.

Sincerely (for sure)


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Avid Reader Misses Blog

Gerald wrote:

Dear Rod,

I noticed that you haven't entered any new blogs for a couple of days. Just want you to know that I read each and every one of them and am deeply disappointed when you don't have a new blog for me each day.

So please keep it up!


Dear Jerry,

That is your nick name, isn't it? You are quite the slave driver!

But, here's the problem. I was out trying to make a true living by digging a trench 70 feet long so I could bury some drain tile for a 93 year old lady. If you had been there to help me I could have gotten back to my blogging a little sooner, and we all know that my blog is more important than somebody's house flooding out. As soon as Mr. O or Mr Mitts buys my
endorsement for $1.5 million I won't be digging ditches any longer and will have more time to blog. Actually, with $1.5 million I won't have to blog either. But, hey, everybody has to do something.

I'm glad you like the blog. But you are supposed to write in with a question for advice, not a complaint. So my advice to you is if you don't find a new blog each and every day, go back and read some of the old ones. Or you could start an argument with your wife so you could write in for some advice. Just don't ask for advice on growing lawns because mine isn't doing so good this year. It would help if it would actually snow in Colorado when it's supposed to, but I'm not entirely sure that God would appreciate me telling Him how to run His business. I do better with presidential candidates.

So, Jerry, I'll make you a deal. You quit whining and ask for some advice, and I guarantee you that I will tell you something that is sure to ruin your life. You'll get a kick out of it and so will my readers.

Committed to crazy advice,

Monday, March 26, 2012

Take This Job and Love It

Kurtis wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been working at this same job for the past fourteen years and I am getting somewhat burned out on it. I work so hard and get so little praise. It does pay our bills and offers a little left over, but I come home in the evening so tired and feeling so negative toward my job that I often want to say, "take this job and shove it." I borrowed that from some country song, but that is the way I feel.

Then when I see how much taxes they take out, it got me to thinking about where that money goes. I know a lot of it goes to entitlements. I have a neighbor who hasn't worked for years and keeps on getting government assistance. It makes me mad that I work so hard at a job I dislike so much while there are others collecting government benefits that I am paying for.

Do you have any advice for me?

Fed up,


Dear Kurt,

I hope I can call you Kurt because I am going to anyway. But thanks for writing and spilling your guts and bad karma all over my blog site. And, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, you are like a lot of Americans who hate their jobs but like the money. If the money would be better for you on welfare.... you'd be on welfare. But for some reason it isn't and that might be the result of your hard work that your boss is showing appreciation to you through your handsome paycheck.

Secondly, write your congressman instead of me. I can't do anything about your taxes or the entitlements that are paid out, but your congress man can. In fact he already has by making these entitlements available to begin with. Write him and tell him how mad you are.

Thirdly, quit spilling your guts about your job. If your boss ever finds out you won't have a job for long. And please don't tell me that you already posted these comments on PaceBook. I can guarantee you your boss looks you up on PaceBook at least once a week. You need to start telling everyone how much you love your job and how good your boss is. I'll bet you will like your job more, and you'll quit scowling when the boss walks into the room.

So my advice to you is "take this job and love it." Then do me a favor, write me after you get a raise, but write your congressman if you don't. Just don't apply for welfare and then spend the rest of your days sitting in front of the TV eating chips and drinking beer with your neighbor.

By the way, I'm digging a 70 foot long ditch with a shovel today, want to join me? You can take this job and "shovel" it.

Committed to Crazy Advice,


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Tax Payer Seeks Advice

Fredrick wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been going to HMR-Brock tax preparation agency every year for the last sixteen years, and every single year they have charged me more than the previous year to get my taxes done. When I first went there I thought they were pretty high, but now they are really high. The only reason I have been going there is that I get "peace of mind" knowing that they are prepared correctly. And this past year they made an error on my taxes for which I may get audited, and not them. Well, this year I am faced with paying close to $1,000 to get my taxes prepared.

I know it's crazy asking you for advice, but do you have any ideas for me.


Dear Fred,

It is okay if I call you Fred, isn't it? Thanks for writing because you made my day. It's not very often that someone else admits to being crazy, usually I am the only one. And, yes, it is crazy writing me. Of course, that's why people do it. We are all more crazy than we think.

What I think is really crazy is that you stuck with HMR-Brock as long as you have. What it really stands for is How Many Rip-offs by Mr. Brock. And, by the way, how is your peace of mind now since you know they prepared your taxes incorrectly?

I, myself, was also crazy enough to stick with them for as long as I did. When I finally switched to someone else my tax prep bill went from $900 to $200. That was more than enough money to buy a new lazy boy chair, which a lazy man like me needs.

Freddie, have you ever heard of turbo tax? Man, $50 gets you filed and you don't have to drive across town and sit in that chair while some old lady squints at your information and looks at you above the rim of her glasses wondering what kind of idiot walked in to give their money away this time. It's amazing how we feel that spending too much to get our taxes done, then buying some sort of policy is supposed to give us peace of mind. Actually, all that happens is that they get "a piece of mine." A peace of my checking account.

So, Freddie, if you are going to give your money away you can send it to me or at least find somebody you like to give it to. Or you could take the money you saved and make a down payment on that new motor cycle you have always wanted. But save some of the money back to hire the good divorce lawyer you will need.

Hope I've helped. Write and let me know how the motor cycle thing works out.

Committed to soundly crazy advice (oxymoron)


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Pay Some One Else's Taxes

Eugene Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can give me some good advice because I think I'm in a heap of trouble..... but I don't know why I should be. But the IRS is sure giving me a lot of grief right now. You see, for years I worked for this company as an employee and received W2s every year. I've always paid my taxes in full. Well, in 2010 the company I worked for went out of business. The other day I received a notice from the IRS that I owe over $16,000 in back taxes, saying that I am responsible for the unpaid taxes of this company. Frankly that scared the you know what out of me. Now I am nervous all the time. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice that can help me?

Dear Eugene,

What do you think I am, an accountant or something? Sheesh, the only advice I give out is crazy and I don't know if even that will help you. Have you been saying bad things about Mr. O? If so, he probably sent the IRS after you. Having someone audited is his best weapon. I'm surprised He hasn't tried to use the IRS on Iran or Syria. That would make them shake in their boots.

I would advise you to see an accountant who will get on the phone and tell the IRS what's what. If he doesn't do that, at least he could write the IRS nasty letters, or tell Bill O'Rielly, or Rush Limbaugh, or somebody like that. Who knows, you might become nationally famous like Joe the Plumber or somebody like that. Focks News would have their panels discussing this and some of the best lawyers in the country would be giving you their opinion for free. Who knows, they might even interview you and you can tell the whole nation what you think of the IRS. Use decent words though or all the listeners will here is "bleep, bleepity, bleep. Use the IRS agents name though so the whole conservative world can shame him and the Wall Street protestors can cheer him. Mr. O. might even have a word.

You gotta look at this as a situation to exploit for your own good. I'll even come to the prison and visit you once it is all over..... that is if they don't execute you first for tax evasion. In that case I will take video of you when they give you the needle and put it on U-tube. Just so you know U-tube is different that a U-boat.

Write me and let me know how my advice works out.

Committed to giving crazy advice to the crazy of this world.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Max Gripes About His Accountant

Max wrote:

Dear Rod,

Every year I go to this tax preparation agency and it seems like every year they assign me to this woman that is old enough that she must be getting senile or something like that very soon. She is so old she can hardly see and she uses a walker to get around. My wife and I sit there doing all we can do to keep from laughing. Once I even had to get up and go outside pretending that I had a cough. But I was laughing so hard that my eyes were watering.

I sure hope you have some advice for me because I don't know if I can stand it another year.


Dear Max,

Where did you say you are from. It sounds like you have the same tax preparer that I do. And yes, I do have some advice.

As humorous as your visit to that tax office may be, stick with your preparer. She is probably the smartest one in the office, and your tax papers will be correct. I found this out the hard way. My wife and I had a similar experience. To keep from laughing at the old lady I resorted to drinking water, but at one point even that couldn't stop my laugh and I had to get up and fein that I had a cough. My wife was experiencing much of the same. We thought, how could that old decrepit lady have her mind about her enough to prepare taxes.

Well, the next year we went to another person at the same agency. She seemed to know her business, and, wallah! she had our taxes done a fraction of the time as before.

Well, this year I went into that same tax agency to get some information. They brought up my tax form from the year before and, oh, oh,..... part of my taxes were filed wrong. Guess who found the error..... the squinting old lady who was pushing a walker around. I went home and told my wife about it and told her...."I'll never make fun of Ruth again."

Max, there is a reason these old people work there. First of all, they are the only ones in the office that know the whole tax code and the agency badly needs them. Secondly, these old ladies need the income.

I suggest to you that when you go to get your taxes done, make like you have a weak bladder so you can get up and run to the can whenever you feel an uncontrollable laugh coming on. But don't laugh too hard because you have the best tax person in the office.

Write me and let me know how it works out.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Poofy Hair Hater

Samuel wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can help me because I think I have the "poofy hair jinx." It seems like every time I go to a public place, to church, a concert, a ball game, etc., I get stuck behind somebody with poofy hair. And sadly, it is not always women. Poof hair means that I can't see much besides their out of style, ridiculous looking hair.

The other day I went to church, sat with some friends, and wouldn't you know it that just before church started this lady sat down right in front of me with the poofiest hair I have ever seen, and for an hour and fifteen minutes that's all I could see. I got nothing out of the sermon because my frustration was building inside me.

This year, for the first time I got season tickets for the Nuggets. Season tickets, of course, means assigned seats. So I got to the game early to enjoy all the pre-game activities. But just as the game started, this guy with an afro sat down right in front of me, so I had to crane my neck the whole game to see the action, and I've been craning my neck ever since the first game.

The same thing happened to me the other day at a concert. I'm really frustrated and fed up. Do you have any advice for me?

Samuel (Sammy)

Dear Sammy,

Thanks for writing. You have a pretty unique situation, but I believe I have some great advice.

First of all, you don't have to go to the ball game because you can probably see it on TV. Not only that the refrigerator and the bathroom are closer by. The game is cheaper, and you get to see replays of the action four or five times. But if you still insist on going to the games, you should grow your own afro so that the guy behind you knows what you are going through.

As far as the concert is concerned, I don't know why you would want to go there and get stampeded anyway. Concert goers are really crazy people. That poofy hair in front of you is probably just a wig. I suggest you grab it and give it a good hard yank.

Now church could be a little more delicate situation because if you get up and move someplace else people get offended thinking you don't like them, and that is not very Christian. So what I would suggest is to bring a pair of sharp scissors and start hacking away. The lady in front of you is probably clapping her hands to the music, so she won't notice. Then quickly hide the scissors and act real innocent. I'm sure your friends sitting around you won't rat you out. They are your friends, aren't they?

Please write me and let me know how things have worked out.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, March 16, 2012


Dear Reader:

Today no one wrote in asking for my crazy but great advice. No pet lovers, no lovers, no, not even presidential candidates. Not even Mr. O himself has written. So I will take this opportunity to bore you with another poem that I wrote a number of years ago. At the time of writing this poem I had just failed in my career as an insurance agent, and the poem is about that experience. After reading this you will also know that I failed as a poet. Link a bunch of failures together though and suddenly you have success..... at something. Enjoy the poem.


I am not a member of the "persuagent"
I found this out as an insurance agent
For twenty-some years I thought I could persuade
Preaching the Christian gospel was my crusade
For all those years I strived to tell
My flock how to live their lives so well
With the Spirit's anointing I gave the passionate plea
For people to accept Christ on bended knee
Many a soul gave their hearts to God
Then bore fruit as life's path they trod

Today I pastor that church no more
Things have changed in my life for sure
But since I thought I had the knack to be persuagent
I thought I could work as an insurance agent
I attended the classes to get my "degree"
My company even paid the fee
They were expecting a lot from me
And that is really how it should be

When I reported for service, I didn't know what to expect
But on the first day I learned the word "Prospect"
This was an order that was standing tall
I had to learn how to "cold call"
Picking up the phone was the hardest part
I really didn't know how to start
"Dialing for dollars" had to become an art
But was very nerve-wracking for an upstart

The few people I did get a chance to see
Didn't make it a habit of buying from me
I tried to be very "persuangent"
But few would buy from this insurance agent
So as a matter of survival
I'd be better off holding a revival
I bid farewell to this "lucrative" career
I'm sorry it lasted only one year

By Rod Speed

Note: From there I went into business for myself remodeling houses and doing carpentry and home repairs for others.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mr. Foot in Mouth Disease Seeks Rod's Advice

Mr. B Wrote:

Dear Rod,

Did you hear my wonderful speech today where I really ripped the wealthy. As you know Mr. O and I want everyone to play by the same rules and to do their fair share. It's just not fair that some people are rich while others have much less. The only way we can make sure everyone does their fair share is to tax the rich and redistribute the money to the poor.

Also, Mr. O and I are tired of these high gas prices. I mean, we want prices high so that people are forced to use other energy, but during election time this is a real bother. I wish that Iran situation would just go away. I mean, what do people expect..... we have only 2% of the world's oil reserves, at least that's what Mr. O keeps telling us. The "No silver bullet thing" you know.

What I don't get is that even a majority of the Republicans don't like Mr. Mitts, yet he is leading Mr. O on the national polls. Do you have any advice for us to help us bring our numbers up?

Mr. B

Dear Mr. B,

Glad you could write me. Yes, I do have some advice along with some questions.

You and Mr. O want the wealthy to do their "fair share" which I interpret is to pay more taxes. Are you aware that the wealthy already pay more than 75% of the federal taxes that are collected? My question to you is, what is the "fair share" for the rest? Is their "fair share" to sit around and collect benefits. Doesn't the rest of the country have a responsibility to do something for their country? By the way, have you written a check lately to donate to the government?

Secondly, quit telling people "there is no silver bullet." People don't want a silver bullet, neither do they want algae to put in their gas tank. Also, quit telling people that the US has only 2% of the world's oil reserves. By government statistics there is 70 times that much in the USA.

Thirdly, if you want to improve in the polls I think you need to start acting more like a Republican. People want change. They got change three years ago and they want to change again.

Finally, although no one has actually taken my advice on this as of yet, you need to get a cute little puppy and hold it during a speech. They just need to know that you have a heart.

Hope I've helped.

Committed to crazy advice,

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Mr. O's Fair Share

Mr. O Wrote:

Dear Rod,

For a while it seemed as though I was becoming more popular with the American people as my ratings went up. Those republicans just keep tearing each other apart. But now my popularity is going back down, and I just don't get it. I'm going to have to do something before this next election. Do you have any advice as to what I can do?

And, by the way, I'm still waiting for your important endorsement. I'll give you half the price you are asking. I'm sure we'll be able to get most of it back through taxes.

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O

I am once again honored by your letter and your desire to have my endorsement. However, as my readership has gone up dramatically as of late, so has the price of my endorsement. After all, one of us has to be principled.

It is always a pleasure to give advice to a president who has his head in his butt. Remember when George H. Bush was running for re-election, the Democrats came up with the slogan "It's the economy, Stupid." I know you would like to twist that to say "it's the stupid economy." Well, both might be right in this case.

So, here is my advice if you want to win this election:

1) Approve the Keystone Pipeline. There's just something psychological about it. Plus we might actually have more oil.

2) Quit telling college student their parents should be proud of them for needing $3,000 per year in contraception.

3) Quit telling tax payers they should pay for that contraception.

4) Quit lying to the Prime Minister of Israel. That was pretty pathetic.

5) Quit telling people you like high gas prices so people will have to ride their bikes to work. Are you trying to turn us into Europe? (don't answer that.)

6) Admit that Obama Care is a big mistake. People like people who own up to their mistakes.

7) Quit trying to force churches to buy your new insurance policy.

8) Quit buying oil from the cartels. Produce more at home and buy from our real friends, Canada.

9) Quit making Americans pay $750,000 for soccer fields for Gitmo. Americans are tired of being taxed to death for this type of foolishness.

Finally, quit begging for my endorsement. I know what you mean that you will get the money back through taxes. Just last week your notorious IRS sent me a tax levy trying to get me to pay someone else's taxes. Man, I'm tired of the corruption in your administration (fire Eric Holder) (fire Leon Panetta). And I'm tired of a tax system that penalizes those who work hard and rewards those who are lazy.

Sorry, Mr. O. But you have a lot of work to do. Your first job is to convince Americans that you are honest. You've asked Americans to do their fair share. I'm I'm asking you to do yours.

I know all this sounds crazy to you. But, after all, this is "Rod's Crazy Advice."



Sunday, March 11, 2012

Atheist Rips Rod

Adam the Atheist wrote:


I won't even address you as "dear Rod" because I don't think there is anything dear about you. You blog is about the stupidest thing I have ever read, and I should know because I read all ov them.

You project the idea that there is a god or a higher power, and everybody knows that that is just a bunch of bunk. I don't know how anybody can believe in something that doesn't actually exist. God, as you know him is just a figment of your imagination. God is nowhere. Religious people are just a bunch of brainwashed idiots.

As far as your quick recovery from double knee replacement, you are either exaggerating or you didn't have the surgery at all. I know one thing for sure is that God didn't help you, and all those people praying for you are deceived and are just wasting their breath.

Hope you publish this so people will find out how stupid you are. And I hope you have a terrible day. I hope others will write in and put you in your place as well.

Adam the Atheist

Dear Adam,

Thanks for writing and making my case for me. Perhaps the only thing stupider than my blog is you. I can't believe that anyone who claims to be as smart as you actually read all these "stupid blogs." Besides, you can't even spell "of" correctly.

You said that God is "nowhere." You didn't even get that right because the correct way to say it is that God is "now here." Yes sir, He is everywhere present and I think you know it or you wouldn't make such a big deal of it. The biggest worry for an atheist is that God might actually exist, and if that is true you might not have any excuse for your sinful behavior. Well, my stupid friend, it is actually true. With my surgery God did answer my prayers and those of my friends.

I would suggest to you that if God is dead, or does not actually exist, then who is this living in my soul?

So, Adam, named after the first man, my suggestion to you is to prove that God does not exist. And once you have failed to prove that, repent and cozy up to Jesus, because I think that somewhere down the road you are really going to need Him. He has a way of filling up that hollow spot in your soul. He helps you to be smarter, too.

Sound Crazy to you? Not as crazy as you think.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sarah Wants Two Dogs.....Bill Doesn't

Bill Wrote:

Dear Rod,

We just bought a new house in a nice neighborhood. We love it but really maxed our finances to get it. We had no sooner moved in when Sarah, my wife, suggested we get a dog to make it feel like home. I said, "Sure, we can get a little terrier." She said, "No, I'd like a big dog like a great dane." I told her that I didn't know if it would be wise to have that large of a dog in the house. Then Sarah said, " I was actually thinking about two great danes. If we had only one he would be lonely when we are away to work."

I tried to protest bur Sarah only got mad at me. This is like our first big disagreement. I really need some crazy advice to get out of this one.

Needing help,

Dear Bill,

Why is it that as soon as people buy a new house they also want a new dog. And worse, why would they want two of those critters to take care of?

We bought a house and had it built in a new subdivision. We were the first on our street to move in. Well, pretty soon all the houses were built, about three hundred of them. The next thing I knew people were moving in all over the place and as soon as they moved in the bought a dog. Now we have what I call "Barking Dog Subdivision"

When I want to go out and sit on my deck to enjoy the shade, the dog next door starts barking, then the dog two doors down starts barking. Then a third dog joins in. All it is is "bark, bark, bark, arf, arf, woof, woof, bark, bark. Then an ambulance goes by and they all start to howl in unison.

But it gets worse than that. Friday nights people like to go out on the town. They go to eat, or go to the bars, or maybe to a ball game. But before they go they put their dogs out of the house so they can enjoy barking at the poor sap (that's me) who is out on his deck grilling hamburgers. The sad thing is, these people don't show up at home until midnight. So their dogs get a good session of tormenting their neighbor (me) who is the only guy not to go to the bar that night.

Let me ask you, Bill, how much to you value your neighbor? Would you like him to invite you over for a burger, or would you like him throwing burgers over the fence that might create some vet bills? You might think about that. And, don't ever think that your dog won't ever bark.

But, Bill, it gets even worse. Many of the dog owners are too lazy to pick up the poo. On a good hot day it kind of spoils the flavor of the hamburger grilled outside. Even the hot dogs taste worse and we already know what those are made of.

So now for the advice. Get a cute little house dog that doesn't like being outside, has very little poo to pick, and barks like crazy when a stranger comes close to the house. And guess what? You'll save money on dog food, he'll fit in the car better, and your neighbors will invite you for a cookout.

So tell Sara, if she wants two great danes that she can feed them, pick up after them, walk them, and pay their vet bills. Also, let her know that her neighbor won't like her. I think she might like a toy terrier after all.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, March 9, 2012

Ramona Rips Rod

Ramona Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I wish you'd quit bragging about yourself. You always think you are so smart. Do you really think that I believe that Mr. O, Mr. Ginko, Mr. Mitts, Mr. Sanitation, and Mr. Pull have really written you. And who do you think you are that you could give them any useful advice. And why do you think anyone would pay you a million dollars for your endorsement.

Also, I wish you would quit bragging about your "fantastic recovery" from double knee replacement. Do you really think it is believable. Well, I know better because I had a knee replacement four months ago and I'm still using the walker. I think you exaggerate things. You make it sound like I'm a slacker when it comes to therapy.

So I have some advice for you....SHUT UP!


Dear Ramona,

This is my blog, so I will brag if I want to. And yes, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart. What makes you so sure that Mr. O hasn't written to me and asked for my advice and endorsement. And, no, my endorsement is not worth a million dollars, I am now asking 1.5 million. And when it is down to just two candidates it will go up to two million. And when I get it, even you will have to admit I'm pretty smart.

As to my "fantastic" recovery. It's all true. I'm sorry about your slow recovery. Would you like me to come over and help you with therapy. You do do therapy, don't you? Come on, Ramona, bend that leg.... further.... further. Now straighten it right out. The more you do this the less it will hurt. I bet bunny would like to work with you.

Honestly, Ramona, this blog is all about crazy advice. It's all about having some fun. And it's about entertaining my readers. I'll let president O know you are concerned about him.

No hard feelings here,


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Knee Doc Seeks Advice

Knee Doc wrote:

Dear Rod,

It is very seldom that I replace both knees on a patient at one time, yet you convinced me to do that for you. I want to compliment you on being a very good patient. Your recovery is way ahead of the curve. In fact, you are doing better than 90% of my patients who get only one knee replaced. I find that pretty amazing. When checking your flexion and extension I found that you are way ahead there, too. Also, when you walk there is no tilt. It it hard to tell from your walk that you have had your knees replaced.

Is there any advice that you could give me that I could pass on to other patients?

Knee Doc

Dear Knee Doc,

Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot to me since I worked and suffered so much in order to recover and impress you. Yes, there is some advice that you could pass on.

My first advice is to follow the advice of your doctor. If he says you need to work hard at your therapy, then work hard at your therapy. And the more you do early on, the quicker you will recover. There is gain with much pain.

Secondly, walk, walk, walk, and walk some more. Count the many trips to the bathroom throughout the night as a blessing. First of all, they keep your legs limber and secondly you are peeing off all the excess weight you gained in the hospital. I lost the ten pounds I gained in the hospital plus fifteen more. Hello, I'm sure there are people out there who would like to lose some pounds.

Thirdly, count it all joy when your therapist comes to your home twice a week to torment you. The truth is, do the therapy and get better. Don't do the therapy and keep hobbling around. At the end of three weeks I discarded the walker. Three days later the cane went away. At three weeks to the day I walked a mile mostly uphill (not kidding) to a Starbucks. Bragged about myself to the cashier, drank my coffee, then walked home. Thank you Bunny for your sadistic terror.

And Doc, I'm really serious about this one. I think I had an advantage because both knees were done at the same time. I had no good leg to depend on, I had to use them both. At times it took all my strength and grit, but I used them and I believe that contributed greatly to my recovery.

And finally. Doc, before you perform surgery, you need to let the patient know that by the two week visit they need to reach certain goals or you won't be happy. That was one of my biggest motivations was to come to your office at two weeks, then five weeks and get your approval.

Now that I think of it, you should pay me to do a commercial for you. That could offset the twelve grand I am out. Just kidding. Or, maybe I'm not kidding. Give it some thought.

Hope I've helped,


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Dr. Green Thinks I Should Copyright

Dr. Green Wrote:

Dear Rod,
I am the head of the literature department at a university that I cannot mention in this letter. But after reading your poem I think you should copyright it and endeavor to have it published. You have a unique poetry style and subject matter. By the way, do you have other poetry that is worthy of being published?

Dr. Green

Dear Dr. Green of the unknown university,

Thank you for writing me and for your encouragement. I can understand why you don't want the name of your university known, it could be risky after complementing my poetry.

No, I haven't thought about copyrighting or publishing my poetry. I really don't know who would buy a book of five poems, especially five poorly written poems by an unknown. Oh wait! I guess I'm becoming famous because of this blog. After all, some pretty important people have written to me on this blog.

Now to satisfy your question about more poetry, below is another I wrote when my wife was registering for college at Green Bay.


By Rod Speed

We drove to Green Bay on a gloomy day
to the UWGB we found our way
The college there is quite a creation
There is where you meet with frustration
Especially on days of registration

First, to the booth to get a parking permit
Then to the science building, if you can find it
In the door and up many a stair to see Dr. Ritch who is nowhere
Then down the stairs and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall

You stand in line to get the right form, then down the hall - your shoes are well worn
To the office you go to get signed in - Ooops! It's the wrong form for Ritch to sign in
Back down the stairs and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall
Stand in line to get the RIGHT form, by now your shoes are really well worn

Next, to get my college I.D. , parking permit, and my locker key
This time I don't have to walk, just stand in line, give money and talk
I'd better hurry and wait or I'll be late,
This all has to be done on this particular date

Next, to the office of financial aid, through all those forms I'll have to wade
They tell me what to do....what's that she said?
By now my eyes are seeing red
"We haven't received your transcript yet, we must have them before your aid you'll get"

I begin to cry, my body shakes, I've done all I can, but not what it takes
I cry out, "O Lord, For heaven's sakes!"
But I continue to sob, and my body shakes

They took my picture for the I.D., "Two dollars please, that's the fee."
"Come back on Monday and your card you'll get."
Another seventy mile trip and I'll be all set!
Out the door and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall.
My car through the rain is a quarter mile away
But this is registration day at Green Bay

Hope this crazy poem satisfies you that there is no talent here,

Committed to crazy advice,

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Rod's a Poet and Doesn't Know it

Clifford wrote:

Dear Rod,

I heard through the grapevine that you are quite a poet, and yet I have never seen any of your poetry. Do you do stuff like "Roses are red and violets are purple, sugar is sweet and so is maple syruple?" (Roger Miller). Just what kind of poetry do you do?


Dear Clifford,

I don't know what grapevine you hear this bunch of nonsense on. But, yes, I write poetry if you can actually call it that. What type, I dunno. Below is a poem I wrote in response to my frustration with alphabetical discrimination, and that is also the title.


I'm a Speed and not an Avery
that in itself is "societal slavery"
I call it "alphabetical discrimination"
and I intend to fight it with determination

When in the Army I had to stand in line....
Third platoon, third squad, third in line
We Speeds were never first...always near last
That's how the military die was cast

Avery, he was always up front
To the Speeds the message was very blunt
He was first and we were last
That's how the military die was cast

As we stood in ranks to get our chow
It all comes back so clearly now
Avery was the first in line
This was repeated time after time

He would get his chow and sit in a chair
We Speeds were always still standing there
Inside and warm Avery is on his seat
Outside in the cold we were still on our feet

By the time we get in to eat our meal
Avery is back in the barracks letting his "poor feet" heal
He has a half-hour or so of free time
We Speeds go right back to work after we dine

So that's the way it is all through life
The A's and the S's are bound to have strife
Avery, you see, he isn't any better
His name just happens to start with first letter

Why, just the other day it happened again
College registration, you know....getting in
Avery's and Anderson's could register first
Speeds and Zablockis were under the curse

Avery and Anderson got class of choice
Speed and Zablocki, of course, had no voice
"I'm sorry, Speed, this class is full"
Being an Avery would have been helpful

Avery goes on to get his higher education
My learning is slowed due to this situation
"A" is for "Avery" and all the breaks
"S" is for "Speed" for heaven sakes

I think I have found the solution to my woe
I must change my name to Aspeed or Aspeedo
Then Aspeed and Azablocki can get all the breaks
For S and Z have not what it takes

My just once they should go from Z to A
But that, of course, would cause Avery dismay
He's so used to standing in front of the line
Stand back a ways would cause him to whine

This poem was written by Rod Aspeed
I want to thank the Zavery's and Sanderson's for reading it last

He's Always Right

Mark wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have a situation that I have been dealing with for many years. I have and older brother, Duke, that doesn't live far from me. But there has been an ongoing problem ever since we were kids. Duke always insists that he is right about things and that I am wrong. He will say things "like even a dummy knows that." Or, "are you some kind of idiot." It's very demeaning. Even on topics where I have a lot more knowledge he still thinks he knows more, and he won't back down. It's gotten to the point where I don't like being around him. Do you have some advice for me?

Dear Mark,

Thanks for writing. Your brother, Duke, has a dogs name..... a bull dog, which stands for bullying. I wouldn't want to be around him, either. But I guarantee you that he likes being around you because he always wins.

Here's what you do, don't be around him. Sooner or later he will notice that his favorite object of ridicule is avoiding him. When he finally asks you about it simply let him know that you are tired of being wrong all the time and that the only time you seem to be wrong is when you are with him. Let him know that you have found other friends to hang out with that don't ridicule and belittle you and that you no longer need him to hang with. Believe me, you will be the winner and he will be the loser.

There will be a long period that you won't see each other because Duke will be dealing with his anger. Once he has dealt with his anger, there may be opportunity to see each other again. I don't think he'll call you a "damned dummy." He will respect you because he will know that you can get up and walk right out the door. Your conversations will be better.

Hope I've helped,


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Puppy Plays Favorites

Sandy wrote:

Dear Rod,

My name is Sandy and I am 8 years old. 11 days ago we got a new puppy in our house. He is so cute. We call him Charlie. But Charlie likes my big sister more than me. I never get to hold him or pet him. My sister Kayla hogs him all the time. It makes me cry because I love Charlie, too. I don't know what to do to make Charlie like me. HELP!


Dear Sandy,

When I read your letter I almost cried. Your feelings must be hurt really bad. But I think there is something you can do.

First, find out what smells and stuff Charlie doesn't like, like maybe some kind of strong soap, and rub that on Kayla's clothes without her knowing. Be sure not to get caught. Then at the same time rub something Charlie really likes on your own clothes and on your hands. Pretty soon Charlie will be coming to you and licking you all over. Smear some jelly on your lips and he will even lick your face.

Secondly, you be the one to go get the leash to take Charlie for a walk. All dogs like to get outside and walk. Pretty soon when you hold up the leash Charlie will come running to you. Bring some puppy snack with you, and if you don't have those bring some cheerios, puppies like cheerios too.

If Kayla gets mad at you, just chew some bubble gum and put it on her chair to sit on. She'll be so mad about her designer jeans that Charlie will be afraid of her.

Please write me and let me know how it all works out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Friday, March 2, 2012

News Reporter Seeks Rod's Advice

B. Wilhelm wrote:

Dear Rod,
As you know I am the anchorman for a major television network. My job is to report the news and report it in such a way to make the Republicans look bad and the Democrats look good. But sometimes it is just hard to do. When I see Mr. O doing all this apology stuff it just simply turns my stomach, but it is my job to report it and make it sound like the right thing to do. When I heard Mr. O tell Americans about high gas prices and that he wants to solve the problem with alga, I just wanted to scream! But once again it was my job to back him. This kind of stuff goes on and on.

It is also my job to make sure that America hears about all the bad stuff about Mr. Mitts, Mr. Ginko, Mr. Sanitation, and so on. Doing that reporting isn't so hard since I really want to bring these guys down. What I need advice on is how to live with myself for being so partial in my reporting. I mean, that is really weighing heavy.

Dear Mr. Wilhelm,

I am really surprised to hear from you. I don't know if I a much good of helping people deal with their conscience, but I'll give it a try.

First, I think you need to let yourself be brainwashed so that you really believe all the good about the Democrats and all the bad about the Republicans. You need to convince yourself that the Republicans really do want people to be unemployed and homeless without any medical benefits. This will help you to really despise them and speak all manner of evil against them.

Secondly, you need to let yourself be brainwashed into believing that Mr. O's call for high gas prices will really help the poor sap that is barely getting by. Convince yourself that the president really should be able to boss church organizations around and make them buy things that they don't believe in. Once you really believe these things your conscience will be seared and you should have no problem reporting them.

I know just the guy to send you to to be brainwashed..... Rush Limbaugh.

Hope I've helped,


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Arnold Wants God Out of Politics

Anrold Wrote:

Dear Rod,

It really irks me when people like Mr. Sanitation or Mr. Huckleberry are always trying to insert God into politics. I think that is a real violation of "separation of church and state." I just wish they would quit. Now I have some of my own relatives that are always bringing the Bible into our arguments with politics. They quote the Old Testament. They quote the New Testament. They are always making references to the nation of Israel. They just simply drive me out of my mind.

Another thing that irks me is when the presidents, and all of them do it, end their speeches by saying "God bless America."

I've been trying for years to tell my relatives that the Bible has no place in politics. But they just keep at it. It's driving me to distraction. I'm wondering if you have some crazy advice that will help me deal with this.

Driven to distraction,

Dear Arnold,

Why do you write to me like I am some authority on God and government. Frankly, I don't control either one any more than you can control your relatives. But having said that, yes, I have some advice for you.

First of all, if God really is who He says He is, then by His universal presence He has already inserted Himself into the affairs of men. It makes no difference if you think He should leave our government alone....He will probably do what He wants to do anyway. And the fact that He is God makes it pretty hard for anyone to stop Him. And why wouldn't we want God in our affairs? It seems to me that He has all wisdom.

Secondly, I sense that you don't really know who God is, or you might not resist Him so much. I'd advise you to take some time to get to know Him, then tell me you don't want Him in the affairs of men.

Thirdly, quit going to those family pot lucks. That's where all these arguments about government and religion get started anyway. Besides, if you don't go, you won't have to eat that yucky dish that aunt Ellen brings all the time. Did you know that she always licks the spoon when she is cooking? How can you be sure she washes her hands after going to the bathroom and before cooking. I know one thing for sure now, those pot lucks will never taste quite the same.

Hope I was able to help you.

Committed to crazy advice,

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bunny's a Hunny

Bunny wrote:

Dear Rod,

I just wanted to write you and thank you for being such a good patient. To be honest with you, most of my patients are non-compliant and I feel that there are times I am wasting my time and theirs. I think the biggest problem is that I make them hurt. I don't think that they get it. Making them hurt is my job. You know the saying, "No pain, No gain!" Well that is almost always true. And I know I hurt you really bad sometimes. :-)

You know, to get those legs straight I have to sit on your knees while extended. Although you screamed a few times, you never stopped me from doing it, and I got your legs straight, too. Every time you screamed, I knew I was doing my job. Bending those stiff legs was equally as exciting. Oh, I know it hurts to bend them, but just look at you..... walking around normal, doing stairways, and now driving. I'm proud of you, but I'm even more proud of the job I've done for you.

But I'm wondering, do you have any advice for me?

Your therapist,

Dear Bunny,

Thanks for writing and thanks for the compliments. You really should be proud of yourself. You came up with new and innovative types of torture at each visit. Yes, I know it was for my own good, but I wish I didn't have to dream about it. I'm thankful to you for all the "pain to gain."

As far as advice goes, gee, I don't know if I can come up with better torture methods or not. Maybe to get full extension on my knees you should have had me sit on a chair and extend my legs and set my feet on a table. Then you could stand on the table and jump on each knee with both feet. Since tearing tissue was the object I'm sure that would have torn the tissue. It all would have been over in a moment rather than the long, drawn out process you used. Mind you, now, I'm not complaining....just advising. To make the experience a little more pleasant you could wear a wicked smile as you do it.

Also, I think you should apply for a job at Gitmo. You'd have those prisoners talking in no time. I really don't know why our government officials haven't figured this out by now. This would beat water boarding any day.

All in all though, I want to thank you for your kind words and harsh treatment. Already I feel like a real Marine. I wear the scars on both knees as a badge of honor, or at least a badge of bravery.

Wishing you the best,


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sally Is Confused

Sally wrote:

Dear Rod,
This is an election year and I usually take voting very seriously. I know for sure I don't want Mr. O back in the White House, but I am having a very hard time making up my mind on the Republican candidate. It seems to me like I don't really like any of them very much. One day I think I will vote for Mr. Mitts. Then the next day I think I'll vote for Mr. Sanitation. I didn't used to like Mr. Ginko, but now he seems the best of the lot. I do know I won't vote for Mr. Pull. The problem is that I think a candidate will be good.... then he does something stupid. Perhaps you could give me some really stupid advice and I'll go with that.

Dear Sally,

First of all, I don't give stupid advice, and I certainly don't give really stupid advice. I specialize in crazy advice, which often works.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be a net tax payer, or do you want to be a net tax receiver. What I mean is, a net tax payer is someone who pays his way by actually having a job and bettering himself as time goes on. A net tax receiver is someone who is satisfied with entitlements, welfare, medicade, and all else the government can pay you.

If you want to be prosperous and be a net tax payer you need to vote for anyone of those Republican candidates you don't like. If you want to live on welfare, vote for Mr. O.

But remember this, under the direction of Mr. O even the welfare money will run out.

Hope I've helped,

Mr. Sanitation Complains

Dear Rod,

As you know me and Mr. Mitts are in a virtual tie for the Republican nomination. In Michigan I had a substantial lead until Mr. Mitts started running his negative campaign ads. Every time he runs those ads I lose ground. I just wish he would run a clean campaign. Besides, I don't see how he can complain about me and criticize me when he has Mitts Care on his record. Everyone knows he is uniquely unqualified to be president. What do you think I should do?

Needing your advice,
Mr. Sanitation

Dear Mr. Sanitation,

It seems to me that you are not so clean yourself. All that jibberish the other day about voting against your conscience in order to "take one for the team." That just seemed a little weak to me. I think that you also need to come up with a financial plan. A flat statement about cutting taxes really doesn't say much. My question is, how are you going to cut taxes?

Since you have been making religious beliefs your main platform, you could get really down and dirty by asking Americans, "Do we really want a Mormon in the White House?" After all, everyone knows that that Catholics are better than Mormons. All the Mormons have is the "Tabernacle Choir." Catholics have the pope. No brainer here. But be careful, because the Catholic Americans may support just might be Mr. Ginko. Actually, I think your best chance at the White House is to turn this election into a modern day "Inquisition." I think you really need to muddle the line of separation of church and state.

In all seriousness, I think you need to brace yourself for the long haul and quit complaining. Who wants a complainer for president. Not many, since we already have one. Don't be a whiner; it reminds me too much of Mr. O. And by the way, you are not running against Mr. Mitts, your real foe is Mr. O. Stand up and take leadership and tell us how you will lead our country out of the mess it is in. Give us the plan, man.

Hope I hurt your feelings,

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Mr. Mitts Blunders

Dear Mr. Mitts,

I know you are not asking for some crazy advice right now but I thought I would give you some anyway. As I see it you are self destructing. you made a really big bonehead blunder. I think that somehow it was a mistake to go to Michigan and tell all those good people who happen to be unemployed that your wife drives two Cadillacs. I mean, don't you get it? Most people can't afford to drive one Cadillac. Heck, in Michigan they are probably taking the bus.

Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on how the real world lives? Has your wealth blinded you to the life style of "Joe the Plumber?"

Perhaps your new slogan should be "Caviar in every fridge and a new Cadillac in every garage!"

Committed to Crazy Advice,

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Mrs. Pallid Seeks Rod's Advice

Mrs. Pallid wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am not a candidate running for president, which presents a real problem since I really do want to be president. I'm not sure how things have come down this way. I thought by now that Republicans everywhere would be clamoring for me to become a candidate. I mean, don't I really have everything they would want in a candidate? I'm a conservative, I was a governor, I embraced the tea party, I was a vice presidential candidate, and I know how to fish and shoot a gun. It's hard for me to think that everyone has actually forgotten about me.

I see that you've given some really crazy advice to several people that has actually worked. Isn't that the way it usually goes....the crazy stuff always works. Well, that's why I'm writing you. Could you give me some advice as to how I can become president even though I'm not a candidate. Ugh, this is weird.

Sara Pallid

Dear Mrs. Pallid,

I was actually wondering when I was going to hear from you. I knew it was just a matter of time. I knew you couldn't stand being on the outside of things, but, yet, you didn't want to be a candidate because you didn't want to be involved in the debates and be the subject of a smear campaign. Actually, that was a pretty smart move. And, yes, I do have some crazy advice for you.

First of all, keep backing Mr. Ginko. He will never be nominated but he can get enough delegates to prevent Mr. Mitts from being nominated.

Secondly, Show up at the GOP convention looking really pretty and innocent. And wear a sign on your back that says "Draft Sara Pallid."

Thirdly, make it known that your husband, Toad, would be your running mate. He is definitely a Washington outsider.

Fourthly, Promise all your big donors you will take them on an Alaskan hunting trip.

Fifthly, adopt the slogan "A moose steak in every freezer, and a gallon of gas in every tank." Promise them that the gas will come from pure Alaskan crude oil.

Finally, pose for photographs with an Alaskan malamute. Promote him as alternate energy.

If all fails, you could start a dogsled factory and become president of that.

Write me in a couple of weeks and let me know how things are working out for you.

Committed to crazy advice,


Mr. Pull Wants to Be Spoiler

Mr. Pull wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president. Everyone knows that I'm not serious. Heck, even I know I'm not serious. I just enjoy calling the other candidates fakes, and cutting into their votes so they cannot be nominated. I've never had so much fun. It's a good thing that my supporters don't realize that I'm wasting their money. But, hey, what's wrong with taking a few delegates to the convention?

I was wondering if you have any creative ways for me to bring the other candidates down. If you do, I could sure use your advice.

Also, I was wondering if getting your endorsement would help me to accomplish my goals. I just happen to have a few $ million sitting around.


Mr. Pull

Dear Mr. Pull,

You sure are nasty. But having said that, I am flattered that you are seeking my advice because you seem to be doing pretty well as a one man wrecking crew. I would give you my endorsement, but how can I be sure that someone as dishonest as you would actually pay. Oh, by dishonest, I mean that you should be running as an independent.... not a Republican because I have a hard time believing you actually are one.

So to make sure that none of the other candidates actually becomes president, I think you should run as an independent. Yes, sir! that would assure us of four more years of Obama. Everyone knows you are a Libertarian, which means all the young people who are too chicken to go to war to defend their country will vote for you.

You can promise big budget cuts because you close down the Department of Defense, because you are so certain that if we talk real nice to our enemies they will leave us alone.

What impresses me with you is that the real "fake" may be calling others a "fake."

Hope I've helped you feel ashamed of yourself.

Committed to crazy advice,

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Mr. Ginko Smugly Seeks Rod's Advice

Mr. Ginko wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am seeking the Republican nomination for president. I had written you once before seeking your endorsement. I am the only one who is running a positive campaign, unlike the shmucks Mitts and Sanitation who keep picking on me. I am the only candidate who can bring us out of this economic downturn and promise $2.50 gasoline. I am also the only candidate with enough guts to bomb the heck out of Iran, Syria, and anyone else who thinks they can get and atomic bomb.

Also, I have great backers like Mrs. Palid, Mr. Whine, the great casino owner, and the Donald (you know who I mean). Even Herman Crane backs me. That is why I don't understand why I am polling last among the candidates. And I further don't understand why you have not endorsed me.

Do you have any ideas as to what I can do to revive my campaign?

Smugly yours,
Mr. ginko

Dear Mr. Ginko,

I understand your plight, though not sympathetically. Yet, I will give you some crazy advice that just might work.

First of all, I think you need to start signing your name with a capital "G". That will make you appear more educated.

Secondly, you might not be in this situation if you would have bought a cute little puppy and had been making your speeches while holding him. Americans might start thinking that you are human after all. But you need to do this soon because I think Mr. Mitts is buying a puppy tomorrow. Make sure yours is not a pit bull. Mr. Sanitation is not planning on buying a puppy and he should quickly slip to last place.

Thirdly, guarantee that gas will be $2.25 per gallon and a free car wash goes with every fill.

Fourthly, instead of promising to bomb Iran, promise the American people that Mr. Whine, together with the Donald will buy Iran. That way, their nuclear program will become our program and we can sell energy all over the middle east, with the proceeds cutting taxes here in the USA.

Finally, stop wasting your money on ads. What will really put you over the top is my endorsement which you can have for $1.5 million. I would charge the other candidates only $1 million, but for you it is $1.5 million because you are the only candidate that does not stand a chance without my endorsement. I think they call that the free enterprise system.

So, send me a picture of your puppy along with $1.5 million and we are in business.

Hope I have helped,