Duane Gets His Knees Replaced

Duane Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I see that you have been giving a lot of advice to people with knee replacements. Well, I really need some advice now because I am scheduled for double knee replacement tomorrow. One of the issues is that I don't sleep well at night because of the anticipation. At night I have crazy dreams about things going wrong and I also dream about the rehab. Furthermore, the hospital called me to let me know that the procedure will be $184,000. That's just a little more money than I have. Do you have any advice for me?

Duane,

Dear Duane,

I'm glad you contacted me for advice before it's too late. I can imagine you are going wild with anticipation.

I just happen to know a guy that does knee replacements for only $19.95 plus an extra fee for the sawsall blade. And you don't have to wait until tomorrow, he can do it this afternoon. It's a walk in and walk out clinic. And you don't have to worry about the anesthetic. If you can stand a small blow to the head, once you wake up the procedure will be over. He even includes a couple free generic ibuprofen to help you recover. He also has a chart to show you how to do deep knee a couple hours after surgery.

Hope you don't bleed to death,

Rod

Tommy Brokelaw

Tommy Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have been a reporter for many years, and, yes, I have my political preferences (bet you can't guess what they are). But I now have a real dilemma...... Mr. Mitts is using some of my reporting in his TV ad, and he's using it to his advantage. The problem is.... I don't like Mr. Mitts or any other republican because I represent the liberal media. I know it sounds crazy, me going to a crazy man for advice, but maybe you can come up with something whacky enough to help me out.

Sincerely,

Tommy Brokelaw

Dear Mr. Brokelaw,

I certainly would like to help you out..... that is, help you right out of business. I always say that you reporters should be careful of what you say because someday someone may want to quote you and hold your feet to the fire. You make a living off from slamming Republicans and calling it fair reporting. Now Mr. Mitts would like to make his living by quoting you. Sounds fair to me.

However, if you insist on me helping you, you will have to follow my advice closely.

First of all, when you report, turn your microphone off. Secondly, turn your camera off. Thirdly, keep your trap shut. Fourthly, use others as you would have others use you. And finally, go to speech therapy.... I never could understand what you were saying.

Oh, and did I mention that you shouldn't get so mad over things. Just remember when you spin the news to suit your own purposes... others are spinning you. I guess what goes around comes around.

I wish you the best in retirement,

Rod

Boat Load

Sherry wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been married to my husband Gary for nearly two years now, and we haven't had any children as we have both been trying to advance our careers. I feel that we have both been happy and fulfilled up until now and we have occasionally talked about having a baby. But the other day Gary announced that he would like to have "a boat load" of kids. I was absolutely stunned and frankly got a little scared. I don't want a "boat load." What am I to do?

Dear Sherry,

I'm glad you asked the crazy advice expert. I believe you have several options.

First of all, find out what size of boat he is talking about. Is this a cruise ship or a canoe. You might be willing to handle the canoe if it is a three passenger and both you and him are in it paddling.

Secondly, send Gary out on some errands. Have him pick up a large box of Pampers, a case of baby formula, two dozen jars of baby food, six cute outfits for a girl and six for a boy, baby booties, baby stockings, a crib, a high chair, a changing table, a dresser, and things to decorate the nursery. Then when he shows you the bill for everything, remind him that this is just the beginning of what he will spend on one of those cute little babies. My guess is that his boat will get smaller.

Thirdly, ask a friend who has a new baby for one of the dirty diapers. Wrap it up in a nice package and give it to Gary. When he opens it let him know that he has to share in changing those and that there is a good possibility that your house may smell like that for years to come.

Then have Gary research the price of a college education at a good university, car insurance for a teenager, and braces for the kids teeth. After Gary turns pale he may settle for a very small. I think Gary would settle for one kid of either sex.

Remind Gary that it will take both of your careers to support the kid and also buy a house and save for retirement.

Good luck with your boat load,

Rod

Granddaughter Replies

Tammy Wrote:

Dear Mr. Bad Advice!

My name is Tammy and I am Frank's granddaughter and I think your advice really stinks! I wish you would mind your own business. My grandfather was going to help me buy a car until you "adviced" him out of it. I'm so mad I could spit. An ipod and an ice cream cone are no substitute for a new car. Besides, I think I could have sweet talked grandma, too. You ruined it all! If I could see you face to face, I'd choke you!

Not Happy,

Tammy

Dear Not Happy,

I wasn't giving you advice, but your grandpa, Frank. and, Frankly, (nice play on words, huh) my advice is to be taken with a grain of salt. But in this case I think it was great advice, especially the part about the ice cream cone because from the sounds of things in your letter, that is about what you deserve. Yes, I can see the sweet qualities your grandfather was talking about. If I were him though I'd be a little on guard next time you put your arms around his neck. And, hey, if you don't want the ipod you could always send it to me.

Looks like you will have to drive off to college in an old clunker like the rest of the college kids. And grampa will be able to afford one more month of the retirement home in his old age, that is, if you don't go to hugging him around the neck again. In that case, grandma might have to go it alone.

Hope you feel better now.

Committed to Crazy Advice,

Rod

Conniving Granddaughter

Frank wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm surprised at myself for writing to you for advice. But I do have a problem that just might warrant some advice from a guy as crazy as you, and, man, you are crazy!

Anyway, I have this granddaughter who is the sweetest and cutest little girl I've ever seen. Well, actually she's not so little now but she sure is cute. Maybe "cute" isn't the right word. She's just a good looking girl. She's fourteen now and a real conniver. She gives me the sweetest hugs and knows how to sweet talk me to get what she wants. I know exactly what she's doing, but I fall for it every time. Well, the other day she went a little too far, and I still fell for it.

When she came to my house she gave me a peck on the cheek, a big squeeze, and started telling me how much she loves her old grandpa. The hug and squeeze were okay, but I didn't like the "old grandpa part." Anyway, I knew something was up so I asked her, "What's up?" She said, "Oh, nothing." I said, "What do you mean, O, nothing." She said, "O, nothing." I said, "It doesn't sound like nothing." She said, "Since you asked." Well, at that very moment I regretted asking.

Then she said, "You know that I'll be turning 15 in a couple of months and I'll be able to get my driver's permit. (At this point she sat on my lap and put her arm around my neck) Then she said, "Dad and Mom won't buy me a car. I was wondering if for my birthday you could help me with a down payment on a car, Grandpa?" Like an idiot I said, "How much?" Like an angel she said, "Only $5,000." Like a fish that was hooked and half out of the water I said, "OK."

The problem is that grandma is not so sweet toward me now. Rod, I'm in real trouble, what should I do?

Dear Frank,

I also am surprised that you are seeking my advice. But this just proves that you are no different than dozens of other idiots. I can see you are caught between a rock and a hard place, but I also believe there are some easy answers.

First of all, you are lucky to have such a sweet granddaughter who knows how to get what she wants. You are building a relationship with her that will last for many years to come. That may be a very expensive relationship but I am sure you will keep getting sweet hugs as long as your money holds out.

Ask yourself who will be there to care for you in your old age? I guarantee you it will not be grandma if you keep giving your savings to your granddaughter. I also doubt that it will be your sweet little granddaughter because she most likely will drive that shiny new car you bought her to another state where she goes to college and gets married. Your other grandkids won't take care of you either because they will hate you for not buying them a car.

Face it Frank, you are a loser. You should have been able to figure this out on your own. But here is how you win. Tell your granddaughter "Sorry, but I can't afford it after all." Grandma will be relieved and the other grandkids will stop resenting you. Then buy each of your grandkids an ipod and get grandma an ipad. Then take them all to the Dairy Queen.

Hope I've helped.

Rod

Reprise: Dale's Backward Knees

Mary Ann wrote:

Dear Rod,

A couple of weeks ago I wrote you asking for advice about my husbands backward knees. If you will remember, the double knee replacement went badly as they put Dale's new knees in backwards. I did use some of your advice and our dining room table now has an ottoman under it and two slots cut into it. It looks a little weird, but not as weird as Dale. I've stopped feeling sorry for Dale, but I do still get the giggles some times.

All in all, it has worked out to Dales advantage. When we go dancing he can do dance steps no one else can. He does a dance he calls "the crawl." In this dance he is on his hands and feet, he bends his knees backward (the way they were put in) and does a four foot like dance that no one else can do. When he does the limbo, instead of bending his knees and leaning back, he bends them and leans forward. It looks a little freaky, but he is the life of the party.

We have also made modifications to our car. We've taken out the front passenger seat, Dale sits in the back, and rests his feet on an ottoman. We've also had to put an ottoman in front of the toilet. Every time I go to the furniture store now they take me directly to the ottomans.

Walking is still difficult, he has had to train himself not to bend his legs. He usually gets around a little better on a skate board. We are training our dog, Lassie, to tow him. We figured that Lassie was so good at getting Timmy out of the well that this would be easy for her.

I just wanted to write and thank you for your crazy advice,

Mary Ann,

Dear Mary Ann,

As you know, I don't write this blog with the thought that anything I write will actually help anyone. You are so kind to thank me. But I am a little puzzled as to why Dale didn't go back to the surgeon to have corrections made. Is the surgeon too cheap to use anesthetic? I'm just wondering because I'm up for knee replacements myself.

Also, I'm wondering if this made it easier for Dale to clip his toenails, and does he look odd with warn spots on the back of his jeans? Does he have to pedal his bicycle backwards? Do they also have an ottoman for Dale at church? Is his doctor's name "Jeckel?'

Anyway, I'm glad things are working out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

State of the Onion

Mr. O Wrote:

Dear Rod,

Did you watch the "state of the onion" address last night. I thought I did a pretty good job of painting a good picture of things that people wanted to hear while avoiding the real issues. I hope that my approval rating goes from 43% to 44%. Some of those democrats will follow me anywhere. Right or wrong they will follow me. Yes, sir! That's a good feeling. But, what I didn't like last night was that half the people stood and cheered me and the other half booed me. Now, I don't like being booed. Do you have any ideas as to how I can stop the booing? And, by the way, I'm still waiting for your endorsement.

Sincerely,

President O

Dear Barry,

Since you are seeking my endorsement I took the liberty of calling you by your first name. Anyway, there a numerous ways to stop the booing.

First, you need to get a list of names of those who boo you and make sure they get a threat to be audited by the IRS. That will make them turn pale. They won't even show up at your speeches anymore.

Secondly, raise their taxes. After all, some of them make just about as much money as you do.

Thirdly, force them to get government health care. Everyone knows that private health care is only for elite democrats.

Fourthly, take their private airplanes away. Everyone knows that only the environmentalists have jobs important enough to use private jets.

Last of all, make them all drive electric cars.

Once it is proven that all your policies are failing, they will all start cheering.

Just one question Mr. President, do electric cars still work during a blackout?

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Messy Husband

Donna Wrote:

Dear Rod,

Why is it that men have to be so messy? I've been married to my husband, Jake, for nine years now and he is as messy as the day we got married. It all started on our honeymoon. Why he took off his clothes and just threw them on the floor and the next thing I knew he was throwing me on the bed. I thought right then and there, "this guy's a slob."

Oh, he tries to be a neaty, but he just can't make the grade. I keep telling him that when he removes his shoes he needs to put them in the shoe rack. Same with the other stuff, like his belt should go on the belt hook, the socks back in the sock drawer, the jeans in the jeans drawer, etc.

He tries to help with the laundry but I end up refolding the towels, ironing the sheets, re-folding the socks and underwear. Sometimes I even have to empty the lint trap.

After he showers, he does hang his towels, but I have to re-hang them. Same thing after he dries dishes, I have to re-hang the dish towel and hand towel. After he wipes off the countertops I have to wipe them again. When he dusts the floors, I have to go over them again.

Even when he makes the bed I have to straighten the covers and fluff the pillows. Sometimes I get so mad at him that when he gets home from his construction job I really lay into him.

I'm tired of nagging him. What shall I do?

Dear Donna,

First, I want to sympathize with you for being married to such an inept clutz. I can't imagine what it would be like being married to someone who can't even fold his socks right or perfectly hang a towel in the bathroom. Your countertops must be crawling with germs and vermin. Tripping over a guy's shoes has to be about the worst thing a woman can do. Your husband must be really pathetic.

Here's what I suggest you do: First, you need to yell at him a little more. That will show him you really mean business. Secondly, send him to obedience school. I'm sure they have those for husbands in just about every major city now. Then, in the evenings after he is off work make him go to classes on "how to be a better husband." I think every church has a class like that. Finally, keep comparing him to your sister's husband who must be supercalifragilistic (Practically perfect in every way).

I'm pretty sure that in due time he will smarten up......and you won't be picking up after him anymore.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mom is a Hoarder

Dear Rod,

Because I have this absolutely crazy mother, I need some really crazy advice, since it seems that nothing else is working. My mother is 83 years old and living alone since my dad died three years ago. She thinks she is independent but she also expects me to be at here house to do numerous things such as mow the lawn, shovel the snow, vacuum the floors, Clean the bathroom, do her laundry, take out her garbage, and do her shopping. I used to do this with no reservations but lately it is getting harder to do especially since I know she can well afford to hire someone to come in an do the same things.

I also have two younger sisters and a brother who don't do anything to help. Yet, I know when it comes time to get the inheritance they will get an equal share. It's just not fair.

I also have my own house to take care of. And the real big issue is that she saves everything. Things are piling up around her house. The front porch is full, the back porch is full, and now she is piling stuff on the furniture. She doesn't offer me a dime for what I do and the Lord knows I could sure use the money. What should I do?

Sincere advice seeker,

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

You have made an easy solution difficult. You have several very good options, and some that are not so good. Let's start with the not so good.

In the not so good category you could 1) play along with her and keep doing hat you are doing. 2) Start sneaking the junk out of her house a little at a time hoping that she won't notice (she will). 3) Start talking abusively to her (she'll give all her money to the other kids). 4) put arsenic in her food (her money will go to the other kids).

In the good option category: 1) Stop doing everything for her. Once she realizes you won't do all this all the time she will hire someone else. (she'll give her money to the other kids). 2) Have her declared incompetent and put in an assisted living home (her money will pay for the home and you will have to split what is left with the other kids). 3) Forge a large check to yourself and take a vacation to Cancun. Plan on living in Mexico the rest of your life.

In short, no matter how hard up you are financially you are not going to get your hands on her money. Obviously your mother is smarter than you and she knows how the system works. Obviously your siblings are smarter than you because they also know how the system works. Obviously, you don't. Sorry.

Rebecca, stop working for something you will not get. Helping your mother should be something of your character, not your greed. Your siblings have to answer for themselves. Resent them if it makes you feel better but don't expect any reward for it.

Not so crazy advice,

Rod

Driver's Ed

Cindy Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I am in Driver's Education and I hope to get my driver's license soon. But I am having a few problems. For one, I don't like my driver's ed teacher. He keeps yelling at me and when he does it confuses me and I always make the wrong decision like step on the gas instead of stepping on the break. Once I accidentally put the car in reverse, but, hey, I'm a student, not an experienced driver. When I was a kid, I'd watch my dad drive. When he went around a corner he'd just let the steering wheel slip back through his fingers and the car would straighten out. I can't figure out why it don't work for me. Anyway, Mr. Smith, my teacher slammed on the breaks and I just about went through the windshield. Then he started in on yelling at me again. He looked a little pale. I started crying. Anyway, you can see what a pain my teacher is. Do you have any advice?

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Don't feel so bad. Some people never get a driver's license, and others shouldn't. I think your biggest problem is that Mr. Smith doesn't like you, either. You probably haven't even brought him an apple pie yet. They say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I can think of no better route than apple pie. So give him the apple pie, smile real big, and apologize for your near accidents. I think your lessons will go better with his mouth stuffed full of pie.

Then you need to figure out what PRNDL means. No, that's not the name of the car. When the lever on the right side of the steering wheel puts the red mark on P, that means you are in park. You can step on the gas a lot and the car won't move. Don't blame Mr. Smith for that. When you put the red mark on R, that means you are "raring" to go...... backwards. That also means you have to look backwards. N means neutral and I don't know of any cars that have neutral any more. But that is probably where Mr. Smith feels safe when you are driving. D means Drive. That means you can now step on the gas and move forward. L means Low. Lower gears mean more power but slower speeds. Promise Mr. Smith you will drive in L. I have an idea he likes lower speeds.

If all fails, send in 5 Wheaties box tops to General Mills along with 50 cents and get your drivers license that way. I'm pretty sure half the drivers in the USA have already done that.

Write me and let me know how this works out. I could use one of those apple pies, too.

Dedicated to foolishness,

Rod

Kid Trouble in the Car

Margaret wrote:

Dear Rod,

I see that you have been advising presidential candidates so I figured that your advice would be good for me, too. The problem is, that my husband and I love to take road trips in our car. Or, I should say used to love it. Then the kids came along. Three kids in one car just doesn't work. All I ever hear in the car is stuff like this: "Are we there yet?" "Don't touch me!" "You're touching my space!" "Mom, She's touching me!" "I'm hungry!" "When we gonna get there?" "Stop hitting me!" "Mom, she's hitting me!" On and on it goes.

On top of all that, my husband has to have the radio going with music that just drives me up the wall. I've tried just about everything, but none of it works.

Frustrated,

Margaret

Dear Frustrated,

I can see where the kids would spoil the trip, but I believe that you have options to this problem.

First of all, tell that stupid husband of yours to turn off the radio.

Secondly, tell him you want to drive.

Thirdly, get little tiny padlocks and pierce the kids' upper and lower lips. Then threaten the kids you'll use the padlocks.

Fourthly, you drive, then have your husband sit in the back seat between two kids and have the good kid sit in the front on the passenger side.

Finally, you could do what all good parents do.....QUIT TAKING ROAD TRIPS!!!!

Write me and let me know how the padlock thing works out.

Truly committed to bad advice,

Rod

Mr. Sanitation Wants My Endorsement

Mr. Sanitation wrote:

Dear Rod,

If you have paid any attention to the news you must know by now that I am running for President. We must beat Mr. O in November, and I believe that I am just the candidate to do it. The trouble is that I'm polling fourth in NC behind Mr. Mitts and Mr. Ginko. I'm even running behind Mr. Pull. I think I would have a chance if I could just finish ahead of Mr. Pull. I know the other candidates have asked for your sick advice and your endorsement, and they are ahead of me, so it must be working.

Since your blog is read everywhere now I believe you have great influence, so it would be of utmost importance for me to get your endorsement and some real crazy advice. What should I do?

Dear Mr. Sanitation:

First of all, I think it would be important for you to stop losing elections. I mean, man, you got blown out in Pennsylvania, the state named after the famous William Penn. If you can stop losing you will start winning. So try winning for a change.

Secondly, The two leading candidates have been involved in a scandal. Why Mr. Mitts has money in the bank in the Caymans. Everybody knows that if you have money in the Caymans, you must be a crook, or at least be rich. And look at him! He's leading the polls. Now Mr. Ginko is another story. Did you know that he has had three wives and the woman he's living with now is actually his wife? He's right up there with Mr. Mitts. The point is, people like a good scandal.

You need to contact CBS and pay them to start a scandal on you. That way your name will become a household word. Probably a word I can't mention here..... but a word.

Thirdly, you have to ask Mr. Pull to be your running mate. Mr. Pull wants to fire the military and stop all taxation. Lot's of people like that. Then you will automatically come in ahead of Mr. Pull and that will give you the break you are looking for.

Fourthly, yes, my endorsement would go a long way. But my endorsement is in high demand and as I said before, I am very principled about who I give my endorsement to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward the first candidate to make me a millionaire. I've never known what its like to hide money in the Caymans.

Actually, Mr. Sanitation, the advice is so crazy and effective that I'm not sure why I'm not charging you for it. Hey, that's a good idea for your first scandal: "Mr. Sanitation Refuses to Pay Campaign Advisor!" I'll call CBS tomorrow.

Good luck on Saturday,

Your Crazy Advisor,

Rod

Backwards Knees

Mary Ann wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husband, Dale, recently had double knee replacement and we are home doing the rehab now. Right after we got home Dale started complaining that the surgeon put his new knees in backwards. I tried to assure him that a surgeon would never do that. But Dale kept insisting. And now that I look at him closely it does seem a little strange that his knees bend forward instead of backward. When he sits at the dinner table his legs either have to be straight out in front of him or he bends them upward so his feet are on either side of his head. When I look at him it is so sad and hideous that I want to cry. Other times it just strikes me as funny and I can't stop laughing. Dale gets mad at me, but I can't help it.

Also, it is very strange when he tries to walk. One foot or the other keeps flipping up in front of him. I told Dale that he needs to go back and get it corrected. But Dale said the surgery was too painful and he don't know if he wants to be operated on again.

Do you have any advice for me?

Mary Ann

Dear Mary Ann,

You have a very interesting situation on your hands. I think you have several options.

First of all, you could either put an ottoman under the dinner table for Dale to rest his feet on or you could cut two slots in the table about six inches wide and thirty inches long so Dale can bend his legs while eating. Of course, you will have to learn to keep a straight face while sitting at the table with him.

Secondly, teach Dale to walk with stiff legs so his feet won't keep flipping up in front of him. Once he gets to the car, though, his feet will have to point in the air. Getting out of the car might be a problem.

Thirdly, you could contact a carnival and see if they would accept Dale as one of their freak shows.

Or, you could contact Dale's physician and see if they will promise to use an anesthetic this time when the corrections are made.

Hope I've helped you,

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Wima Replies

Wilma Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I know my husband, Melford, wrote you recently asking for some crazy advice, and that is just exactly what he got. How can you keep giving out worthless advice that only causes problems in other people's lives? Melford has never smoked in his life, now he is leaving half-smoked cigarettes all over the house. I keep running around the house putting out cigarettes. I feel like a fire brigade.

Also, the other day he pulled up to the house with a U-haul and started hauling out all my old newspapers that I have saved up over the years along with all the cardboard index cards I made out of used cereal boxes. I was planning to reread those newspapers. Now they're gone. It's all your fault! Why don't you mind your own business?

Wilma

Dear Wilma,

You'd better get all those newspapers and index cards out of the house before it burns down. Why weren't you helping your husband load the U-Haul? Wilma, don't you know that the dog pound needs newspaper to line the dog cages? And the homeless shelter is also running short on blankets. You need to be satisfied knowing that you are helping the homeless, both human and hound.

I didn't tell Melford to actually smoke the cigarettes. I just thought they would help reduce the clutter. You haven't seen a bulldozer, have you?

Crazy advice to you,

Rod

Mr. O Wants My Endorsement

Mr. O Wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am the President, and there is a big election coming up. I see that the candidates from the other side are all writing you for some advice and for your endorsement. That just goes to show that they are not very smart. But, having said that, I would like a little advice myself. The polls show that Mr. Mitts could possibly beat me in November. But if I had your endorsement I think I could pull this election off. Besides, I want you to know that if you endorse him, you are a racist and I will see to it that the IRS will audit you. So, any advice you can give me will be helpful.

Sincerely,

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O,

It was quite an honor and a little frightening to hear from. Actually, I was quite surprised because I was expecting to hear from Mr. Sanitation.

Concerning the endorsement, you do realize that Mr. Ginko has offered $75,000 for my endorsement? But I just happen to be running a special for sitting Presidents..... $150,000. Take it or leave it. Is it possible to endorse one Republican and one Democrat?

Mr. O, I'm not sure why you want to be President a second term. Already more than half the country hates you. Aren't you satisfied with that? That's the way it goes, they love you enough to elect you, then they start hating you right away. Everything that happens is naturally your fault. My first advice to you would be to quit your job and go work on Wall Street.

Because the voters are leaning against you right now, I would encourage you to send them a reality check. Oh, sorry! I meant a real check. Instead of giving a trillion dollars to bail out corporations, just send each voter a check. I'm sure they will love you for it. Just make sure you personally sign all two hundred million checks or the voters will think some sneaky Republican sent it.

Also, get rid of Mr. foot in the mouth (Mr. B). Ask someone substantial to be your running mate from outside of Washington, like Jay Leno or David Letterman. Even Dan Rather would be better than Mr. B. Donald Trump might jump at the chance. I hear Vladmir Putin may soon need a job.

I will be glad when this election is over 'cause I'm getting tired of all these politics. I want to start giving real crazy advice to real crazy people.

Write me and let me know how things work out.

Your crazy advice advisor,

Rod

Mr. Ginko Seeks Endorsement

Mr. Ginko wrote:

Dear Rod,

I read your blog recently and realized how valuable your crazy advice is. To be honest, you are as about coherent as a Democrat. But I will let that pass for now. Did you see the debate the other night. Boy, did I ever smoke 'em. I left Mr. Mitts and Mr. Sanitation in the dust. I was on a roll man. But the problem is, Rod, is that Mr. Mitts is still leading in the polls and I need some real crazy advice to pull ahead. Also, getting an endorsement from a well read blogger like you would really help. Do you have any new strategy for me?

Sincerely,

Mr. Ginko

Dear Mr. Ginko,

Thanks for writing me. I am honored.

But first things first. Mr. Mitts offered $50,000 for my endorsement. What is your offer. Mind you, I still expect to hear from Mr. Sanitation.

A new strategy would be to start telling the truth. I know it's hard and takes discipline. But if you tell the truth sincere enough, the voters might be convinced that it's not just another lie. Tell them "Cross my heart and hope to die." Try to say it with a straight face.

Another piece of advice that could be very effective is to associate yourself with Tim Tebow. While giving one of your speeches in front of the cameras, do the "Tebow." The Democrats will hate you even more, but all the Republican will rally around.

Then to convince the voters that you are just a humble family man, tell the crowd that you take the garbage out at your house. Make sure your wife is there nodding her head "yes".

Then, finally, Mr. Ginko, Get a cute puppy and hold him while making a speech. No other candidate has done this yet. People are dog lovers and they will vote for a dog lover. For good measure, hold a pussy cat the next time you speak. Some voters are cat people. And while you are at it, promise all the voters free pet food. Oh, sorry, I forgot they already get that with food stamps.

Don't forget that Mr. Mitts is also counting on me. I'm very principled as I can only be sold to the highest bidder.

I'll be waiting to see you on TV holding that cute little puppy.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mr. Mitts Wants Endorsement

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know I am running for President. Getting votes is really hard, and it seems as though Mr. Sanitation is gaining on me in the polls. Also, at the debate last night, Mr. Gingo really worked me over. I am writing you for two reasons: 1) Your crazy advice seems to work for others, and so I would like some of that advice. 2) Since your blog is so widely read, I am wondering if you would also consider endorsing me.

Yours truly,

Mitts

Dear Mr. Mitts,

I am both honored and surprised that a presidential candidate would seek my advice and endorsement. But since you asked.......

First of all, Mitts, Don't let your record stand on it's own. You have to embellish things to make yourself look better. Basically, that is lying. I figure all politicians are pretty good at that.

Secondly, tell people what they want to hear. Tell the corporations you are for capitalism. Tell the middle class you are for high paying jobs. Tell those in poverty not to worry. Promise cheap gas, cheap medical care, great unemployment benefits, and free health care. Promise two cars in every garage provided by Government Motors (GM). And promise 0% taxation.

Thirdly, Since people don't like politicians very much, promise to cut the salaries of congressmen and senators to $1. Require them to go door to door selling pork barrels for $50 each. Then encourage the citizens to put "no solicitation" signs next to their doors. These signs should be right next to the security system signs that read "shotgun security."

As to the endorsement, I'd rather wait and see how much Mr. Ginko is willing to pay me.

Hope I helped.

Your crazy advisor,

Rod

Stanley, the Teacher Replies

Stanley wrote:

Dear Rod,

A few days ago I asked you for advice, and boy did it ever work! I am now the most popular teacher at our middle school. The whole atmosphere of my classroom has changed. I sure took care of the problem with the three disruptive boys.

I went right out and bought a couple packs of Juicy Fruit and brought it to school and started chewing away. I didn't chew it too much. I wanted the gum to be real sticky and sloppy. Then I put it on the chairs of Jason, Ryan, and Paul (the three boys) just before class. Of course, they rushed into class right after the bell rang and sat right in it. I could hardly contain myself. Then I started calling out names of the students to come and get their test papers. It was so hilarious. When Jason stood, his chair stuck to his behind. The class just roared. The same thing happened to Ryan and Paul. I just sat there gloating. I've never been prouder of myself.

Of course, that didn't solve all the problems. In the middle of class the students started tweeting and texting on their cell phones. Well, I tweeted and texted right back. You should have seen the look on the students faces. Now we have the quietest classroom in the whole school. The only sounds are ring tones. I do all my teaching by texting and tweeting now. They answer all the questions the same way. I have more class participation than ever before. Now there is no reason for the kids to miss class. If they skip school and go to the mall, I can still teach them by tweeting. I have never enjoyed teaching more!

But now I have a new problem. The superintendent wants to talk to me about the three boys pants that I ruined. He also wants to know why my class is so quiet. What should I tell him?

Dear Stanley,

I'm glad things are working out for you. I believe you have options. 1) Tell your superintendent that you would like to meet with him face to face, but the meeting may be more effective you you texted back and forth. 2) Tell him that you don't know who put the gum on the boys' chairs, but you will look into it. 3) Tell him that your students are quietly studying away and that all their grades are improving. 4) Or, tell him the truth and plan on early retirement.

I'm glad I could help you Stanley. Write me and let me know where you are applying for work.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Lenny Replies

Lenny wrote:

Dear Rod,

I followed your advice and it didn't work at all. I did everything you said except for two things. I did shave Duke, all except his tail. He wouldn't hold it still even after I put it in a vice. I tried to potty train him, and that didn't work out well either. The two things I didn't do were chop his tail off and take out the garbage. Sarah was really mad that I didn't take out the garbage.

Rod, do you realize how hard it is to get a golden retriever to sit on the toilet? I could get him to sit there with the lid down, but with the lid up..... oh boy! All he wanted to do was get a drink.

So, Rod, I think your advice stinks..... but not as much as our house does. Now all I have is an ugly dog, an even madder wife, stinky garbage, a scratched up toilet seat, and dog hair all over the floor because Sarah wouldn't clean it up. Sarah still wants to leave me.

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Why do I have to give advice to such stupid people? This is a blog for crazy advice. That means that smart people don't follow my advice. Smart people don't even ask for my advice. But I should have known that because you asked you would be dumb enough to follow it.

Having said all that, things would probably be okay between you and Sarah if you would only have taken out the garbage and done nothing else. It is still true that women go soft on husbands who take out the garbage. But, no! you couldn't even follow the one sound piece of advice I gave you.

So you have no one to blame but yourself. A little less TV time and more garbage time will fix everything up.

Write me and let me know how things go after you take the garbage out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

The Pack Rat

Melford wrote:

Dear Rod,

Boy am I ever glad to have someone to get advice from! We are an elderly couple that has lived in the same house for over thirty years. We have the two car garage (only one car), the shed in the back yard, the storage room in the basement and the basement itself. You would think that we have plenty of storage, but my wife, Wilma, is a pack rat. I think she has saved everything we have ever owned. She has all the baby clothes, the kids clothes, the potty chair, the high chair, the crib, 45 years worth of Christmas cards, At least that many years worth of tax papers, our old bicycles, the kids, bicycles, seven or eight old toasters, at least than many old coffee pots, old magazines and comics. On an on! Now the stuff is stacking up in the living room, dining room, kitchen, spare room, etc. You name it, and the junk is there. I tried to tell her that we need to get rid of the stuff. But she won't let go. She thinks all this junk has value and that we will be rich some day.

What shall I do?

Dear Melford,

I can see you have real problem but I can also see that you have options.

First, you need to tell Wilma that you are in your 80's and it is now time to be rich. Don't go the route of a yard sale because you will be the rest of your life standing in the front yard. Hire an auctioneer who promises to haul away all the worthless junk that doesn't sell.

Secondly, you could drag all your dirty tools into the kitchen and dining room. When Wilma complains you can cut a deal that when everything else goes, the tools will go.

Thirdly, you can haul the recyclables to the redemption center. You might make enough to pay your gas.

Fourthly, you can accidentally leave a lit cigarette in a bad spot while you take Wilma to dinner.

Or, Lastly, you could hire an excavator to bulldoze the house.

Write me and let me know what works for you.

Clearly dedicated to bad advice,

Rod

The Watchdog

Helen Wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husband, Carl, and I are both retired and we decided that we would like to have a little dog in the house to keep us company and to sort of be a watchdog. Well, the other day Carl brought home this cute cocker spaniel, whom we call "Blackie" because he is all black. I fell in love with the dog at first sight. He's very affectionate. But there's one big problem, he let's the awfullest stinkers, and a lot of them. It doesn't bother carl because he has lost his sense of smell. But our house smells like a nursing home on a bad day. I'm embarrassed to have my lady friends over for tea.

What shall I do?

Dear Helen,

I'm glad you are ready for some good advice. I believe that you have options.

First of all, you could ask Carl to trade Blackie in for a new Blackie. I'm sure the humane society will find a nice fitting home for the old Blackie, such as a farmer who will keep him in the barn. In this way you will still have Blackie.

Secondly, you could quit feeding Blackie onions.

Thirdly, you could keep not inviting the ladies over for tea. I bet they are the reason Carl got Blackie in the first place.

Fourthly, you could go to Costco and buy a case a Febreeze. Or, you could buy nose plugs. But make sure you get enough to pass around to the ladies at tea.

Last of all, don't light any matches as long as Blackie is around. That means no birthday candles and no tea lites. It also means Carl will have to quit smoking.

I hope I helped you.

Write me and tell me how this works out.

Dedicated to bad advice,

Rod

Stanley, the Teacher

Stanley wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm not sure why I'm writing you because I know I'll get some bad advice that will get me in trouble at work. Yet, I thought I would give it a try to see what you have to say.

I'm a middle school teacher at a metro middle school. I have a group of three boys who are giving me a terrible time. They talk aloud during class, tweet and text on their cell phones, tell off colored jokes, threaten the other kids at times. They seldom pay attention. And this past week they put gum on my desk chair and I sat right in it. Of course, everybody in the class knew about it except me, until it was too late. It was so embarrassing when I tried to stand up. The whole class roared with laughter.

I don't know what to do. I thought about suspending them, but I really don't want to kick anyone out of class. I know the principle would suspend them from school. What do you think I should do?

Dear Stanley,

Very interesting. I think you have several options. Have you laid awake at night upon your bed thinking about ways to get even? Have you thought about what life might be like if you weren't a teacher? Have you thought about killing the little brats? Have you imagined yourself in prison the rest of your life. Stanley, one thing you can do is quit your teaching job before it's too late. Oh, I know, you'll have to give up the big government pension. But do you know how much money a guy makes in prison?

Another option, Stanley, is to go to the board of education. Every school had a board when I was a kid. Some of the teachers had them, too. I remember my second grade teacher, Ms. Barstad, whose board was a pointer stick. She had me lay my fingers across the desk before she whacked them 10 times. Mr. Williams, my 7th grade teacher, had a board, too. His had a handle, was four inches wide, an inch thick, and had holes drilled in it. I think he made it in shop. That board of education, when used properly had a lot of influence. Then there was Mr. Tonish, our principle. His board of education was about the same as Mr. Williams only bigger. And Mr. Tonish was bigger, too. Ouch! I think back in that day the school supply company must have had an assortment of paddles that the teachers could choose from.

Then my last suggestion would be to get even. When these boys talk aloud in class you should talk at the same time, only louder. When they don't pay attention to you, you don't pay attention to them. When they disrupt the class, you disrupt the class more. When they tell off colored jokes, you tell even more off colored jokes. When they tweet on their cell phones, you tweet back at them. When they threaten the other kids, you threaten them. And last of all, chew some gum and put it on their seat.

Write me and let me know how these things work out.

Sarah Replies

Sarah replied to my advice. She wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm so mad I could choke you! When I came home from work last night there was this ugly monster who greeted me at the door. I've never seen anything so ugly in my life. I screamed. I thought I'd come face to face with some alien animal. Then I realized it was Duke. Poor Duke, he was all naked and shaven. I just about threw up when I saw him. What ever made you tell my husband, Lenny, to shave him? This dog will be an embarrassment to me.

And what do you mean that a "dog is worth two wives?" I'll have you to know that I am the only one in this house that works. Lenny sits around and watches TV all day and doesn't lift a hand to clean the house. I go to work, I do the laundry, I come home and cook, I do the vacuuming. That husband of mine isn't worth a half a dog. So there! He didn't even take the garbage out!

What kind of advice do you give, anyway? Sheesh!

Dear Sarah,

What do you mean? "What kind of advice do I give?" Sheesh yourself. I have my disclaimer plastered all over my blog that I give crazy, undependable, bad advice. That's what people do is come to me for bad advice. Everybody else thinks their advice is so good, but I know that my advice is bad and I enjoy giving it. I can't help it that Lenny has only a half a brain and believed my advice and followed it. Poor Duke.

When I said that a dog is worth two wives, I thought Lenny could figure it out. Actually, it's the other way around: a wife is worth two dogs. What did you marry him for? Do you enjoy being abused and being a martyr? Are you guys Polish or something? Lenny should embarrass your more than Duke does. You may be right, Lenny may be worth only a half a dog, which makes you lucky. Can you imagine what life would be like with two whole dogs?

Anyway, not all is lost. Duke will grow his hair back. But please tell me that Lenny didn't really doc his tail. By the way, where is Lenny? No, Don't tell me.

I'll be waiting for your comment.

Dedicated to crazy advice,

Rod

Lenny's Dog Problem

Lenny wrote:

Dear Rod,

My wife, Sarah, and I have been married a couple of years and we live in this small apartment with our golden retriever, Duke. Sarah is mad because Duke sheds hair all over the house and his long swishy tail keeps knocking things over. Also, Duke has a lot of accidents in the house because he doesn't like going out in the cold to do his thing. Sarah threatened to leave me if I don't get rid of Duke. What shall I do?

Well, duh! Lenny. I'm surprised you are even writing me about this. A guy with a half a brain could figure this out. Everybody knows that a dog is man's best friend and that one dog is worth two wives. Since you live in an apartment building you can't keep the dog outside. Why the Humane Society would be by in no time wanting to take poor Duke away from you.

But there is away to keep both your dog and your wife. First of all when your wife is away at work, take the garbage out during TV commercials. Women go soft on husbands who take the garbage out. Then shave your dog. He might look like a new breed but at least there won't be hair all over the house. Lenny, you ever heard of docking the tail? They do that to cocker spaniels all the time because their tails are so ugly. Well, it is a nice term for chopping the tail off. Lenny, the dog's tail has to go!

Then you need to train Duke concerning his potty habits. Since you live in an apartment building, you don't want to be running down three flights of stairs every time he scratches at the door. And I'm sure they don't want Duke crapping on the lawn. It gets messy when the mower runs over it. So you gotta train Duke to use the toilet. Retrievers are smart so that shouldn't be too hard..... after all, look at the way Duke has manipulated you so far.

When you take Duke for a walk just tell the neighbors he's a new breed. They will understand. And I'm sure that Duke will understand that you are just trying to save your marriage.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

If anyone else would like some advice, just leave a question or comment below.

Welcome to Rod's Crazy Advice

Welcome to the first edition of "Rod's Crazy Advice!" Nothing in the blog is intended to make sense. Following my advice will surely lead you down the wrong path to success. I am not a doctor, counsellor, lawyer, business magnate, successful author or columnist. I just write for fun and I thought that giving out senseless, worthless, meaningless, advice might be fun. So, if you would like the wrong answer.... I'm the person to ask. I can't wait!

You can post a question in the comments area, or you can comment on my advice. I may comment on your comment, which in turn may lead you to comment once again.

When giving advice I will use fictitious names. You don't think I'd give advice to real people, do you? I don't really want to be a defendant in court. Also, Keep your language clean, and don't use the real names of people you know. This blog needs to be totally anonymous.

Thanks!