Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Mr. Mitts Wants Endorsement
Mr. Mitts wrote:
As you know I am running for President. Getting votes is really hard, and it seems as though Mr. Sanitation is gaining on me in the polls. Also, at the debate last night, Mr. Gingo really worked me over. I am writing you for two reasons: 1) Your crazy advice seems to work for others, and so I would like some of that advice. 2) Since your blog is so widely read, I am wondering if you would also consider endorsing me.
Dear Mr. Mitts,
I am both honored and surprised that a presidential candidate would seek my advice and endorsement. But since you asked.......
First of all, Mitts, Don't let your record stand on it's own. You have to embellish things to make yourself look better. Basically, that is lying. I figure all politicians are pretty good at that.
Secondly, tell people what they want to hear. Tell the corporations you are for capitalism. Tell the middle class you are for high paying jobs. Tell those in poverty not to worry. Promise cheap gas, cheap medical care, great unemployment benefits, and free health care. Promise two cars in every garage provided by Government Motors (GM). And promise 0% taxation.
Thirdly, Since people don't like politicians very much, promise to cut the salaries of congressmen and senators to $1. Require them to go door to door selling pork barrels for $50 each. Then encourage the citizens to put "no solicitation" signs next to their doors. These signs should be right next to the security system signs that read "shotgun security."
As to the endorsement, I'd rather wait and see how much Mr. Ginko is willing to pay me.
Hope I helped.
Your crazy advisor,