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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Avid Reader Misses Blog

Gerald wrote:

Dear Rod,

I noticed that you haven't entered any new blogs for a couple of days. Just want you to know that I read each and every one of them and am deeply disappointed when you don't have a new blog for me each day.

So please keep it up!


Dear Jerry,

That is your nick name, isn't it? You are quite the slave driver!

But, here's the problem. I was out trying to make a true living by digging a trench 70 feet long so I could bury some drain tile for a 93 year old lady. If you had been there to help me I could have gotten back to my blogging a little sooner, and we all know that my blog is more important than somebody's house flooding out. As soon as Mr. O or Mr Mitts buys my
endorsement for $1.5 million I won't be digging ditches any longer and will have more time to blog. Actually, with $1.5 million I won't have to blog either. But, hey, everybody has to do something.

I'm glad you like the blog. But you are supposed to write in with a question for advice, not a complaint. So my advice to you is if you don't find a new blog each and every day, go back and read some of the old ones. Or you could start an argument with your wife so you could write in for some advice. Just don't ask for advice on growing lawns because mine isn't doing so good this year. It would help if it would actually snow in Colorado when it's supposed to, but I'm not entirely sure that God would appreciate me telling Him how to run His business. I do better with presidential candidates.

So, Jerry, I'll make you a deal. You quit whining and ask for some advice, and I guarantee you that I will tell you something that is sure to ruin your life. You'll get a kick out of it and so will my readers.

Committed to crazy advice,

Monday, March 26, 2012

Take This Job and Love It

Kurtis wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been working at this same job for the past fourteen years and I am getting somewhat burned out on it. I work so hard and get so little praise. It does pay our bills and offers a little left over, but I come home in the evening so tired and feeling so negative toward my job that I often want to say, "take this job and shove it." I borrowed that from some country song, but that is the way I feel.

Then when I see how much taxes they take out, it got me to thinking about where that money goes. I know a lot of it goes to entitlements. I have a neighbor who hasn't worked for years and keeps on getting government assistance. It makes me mad that I work so hard at a job I dislike so much while there are others collecting government benefits that I am paying for.

Do you have any advice for me?

Fed up,


Dear Kurt,

I hope I can call you Kurt because I am going to anyway. But thanks for writing and spilling your guts and bad karma all over my blog site. And, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, you are like a lot of Americans who hate their jobs but like the money. If the money would be better for you on welfare.... you'd be on welfare. But for some reason it isn't and that might be the result of your hard work that your boss is showing appreciation to you through your handsome paycheck.

Secondly, write your congressman instead of me. I can't do anything about your taxes or the entitlements that are paid out, but your congress man can. In fact he already has by making these entitlements available to begin with. Write him and tell him how mad you are.

Thirdly, quit spilling your guts about your job. If your boss ever finds out you won't have a job for long. And please don't tell me that you already posted these comments on PaceBook. I can guarantee you your boss looks you up on PaceBook at least once a week. You need to start telling everyone how much you love your job and how good your boss is. I'll bet you will like your job more, and you'll quit scowling when the boss walks into the room.

So my advice to you is "take this job and love it." Then do me a favor, write me after you get a raise, but write your congressman if you don't. Just don't apply for welfare and then spend the rest of your days sitting in front of the TV eating chips and drinking beer with your neighbor.

By the way, I'm digging a 70 foot long ditch with a shovel today, want to join me? You can take this job and "shovel" it.

Committed to Crazy Advice,


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Tax Payer Seeks Advice

Fredrick wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been going to HMR-Brock tax preparation agency every year for the last sixteen years, and every single year they have charged me more than the previous year to get my taxes done. When I first went there I thought they were pretty high, but now they are really high. The only reason I have been going there is that I get "peace of mind" knowing that they are prepared correctly. And this past year they made an error on my taxes for which I may get audited, and not them. Well, this year I am faced with paying close to $1,000 to get my taxes prepared.

I know it's crazy asking you for advice, but do you have any ideas for me.


Dear Fred,

It is okay if I call you Fred, isn't it? Thanks for writing because you made my day. It's not very often that someone else admits to being crazy, usually I am the only one. And, yes, it is crazy writing me. Of course, that's why people do it. We are all more crazy than we think.

What I think is really crazy is that you stuck with HMR-Brock as long as you have. What it really stands for is How Many Rip-offs by Mr. Brock. And, by the way, how is your peace of mind now since you know they prepared your taxes incorrectly?

I, myself, was also crazy enough to stick with them for as long as I did. When I finally switched to someone else my tax prep bill went from $900 to $200. That was more than enough money to buy a new lazy boy chair, which a lazy man like me needs.

Freddie, have you ever heard of turbo tax? Man, $50 gets you filed and you don't have to drive across town and sit in that chair while some old lady squints at your information and looks at you above the rim of her glasses wondering what kind of idiot walked in to give their money away this time. It's amazing how we feel that spending too much to get our taxes done, then buying some sort of policy is supposed to give us peace of mind. Actually, all that happens is that they get "a piece of mine." A peace of my checking account.

So, Freddie, if you are going to give your money away you can send it to me or at least find somebody you like to give it to. Or you could take the money you saved and make a down payment on that new motor cycle you have always wanted. But save some of the money back to hire the good divorce lawyer you will need.

Hope I've helped. Write and let me know how the motor cycle thing works out.

Committed to soundly crazy advice (oxymoron)


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Pay Some One Else's Taxes

Eugene Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can give me some good advice because I think I'm in a heap of trouble..... but I don't know why I should be. But the IRS is sure giving me a lot of grief right now. You see, for years I worked for this company as an employee and received W2s every year. I've always paid my taxes in full. Well, in 2010 the company I worked for went out of business. The other day I received a notice from the IRS that I owe over $16,000 in back taxes, saying that I am responsible for the unpaid taxes of this company. Frankly that scared the you know what out of me. Now I am nervous all the time. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice that can help me?

Dear Eugene,

What do you think I am, an accountant or something? Sheesh, the only advice I give out is crazy and I don't know if even that will help you. Have you been saying bad things about Mr. O? If so, he probably sent the IRS after you. Having someone audited is his best weapon. I'm surprised He hasn't tried to use the IRS on Iran or Syria. That would make them shake in their boots.

I would advise you to see an accountant who will get on the phone and tell the IRS what's what. If he doesn't do that, at least he could write the IRS nasty letters, or tell Bill O'Rielly, or Rush Limbaugh, or somebody like that. Who knows, you might become nationally famous like Joe the Plumber or somebody like that. Focks News would have their panels discussing this and some of the best lawyers in the country would be giving you their opinion for free. Who knows, they might even interview you and you can tell the whole nation what you think of the IRS. Use decent words though or all the listeners will here is "bleep, bleepity, bleep. Use the IRS agents name though so the whole conservative world can shame him and the Wall Street protestors can cheer him. Mr. O. might even have a word.

You gotta look at this as a situation to exploit for your own good. I'll even come to the prison and visit you once it is all over..... that is if they don't execute you first for tax evasion. In that case I will take video of you when they give you the needle and put it on U-tube. Just so you know U-tube is different that a U-boat.

Write me and let me know how my advice works out.

Committed to giving crazy advice to the crazy of this world.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Max Gripes About His Accountant

Max wrote:

Dear Rod,

Every year I go to this tax preparation agency and it seems like every year they assign me to this woman that is old enough that she must be getting senile or something like that very soon. She is so old she can hardly see and she uses a walker to get around. My wife and I sit there doing all we can do to keep from laughing. Once I even had to get up and go outside pretending that I had a cough. But I was laughing so hard that my eyes were watering.

I sure hope you have some advice for me because I don't know if I can stand it another year.


Dear Max,

Where did you say you are from. It sounds like you have the same tax preparer that I do. And yes, I do have some advice.

As humorous as your visit to that tax office may be, stick with your preparer. She is probably the smartest one in the office, and your tax papers will be correct. I found this out the hard way. My wife and I had a similar experience. To keep from laughing at the old lady I resorted to drinking water, but at one point even that couldn't stop my laugh and I had to get up and fein that I had a cough. My wife was experiencing much of the same. We thought, how could that old decrepit lady have her mind about her enough to prepare taxes.

Well, the next year we went to another person at the same agency. She seemed to know her business, and, wallah! she had our taxes done a fraction of the time as before.

Well, this year I went into that same tax agency to get some information. They brought up my tax form from the year before and, oh, oh,..... part of my taxes were filed wrong. Guess who found the error..... the squinting old lady who was pushing a walker around. I went home and told my wife about it and told her...."I'll never make fun of Ruth again."

Max, there is a reason these old people work there. First of all, they are the only ones in the office that know the whole tax code and the agency badly needs them. Secondly, these old ladies need the income.

I suggest to you that when you go to get your taxes done, make like you have a weak bladder so you can get up and run to the can whenever you feel an uncontrollable laugh coming on. But don't laugh too hard because you have the best tax person in the office.

Write me and let me know how it works out.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Poofy Hair Hater

Samuel wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can help me because I think I have the "poofy hair jinx." It seems like every time I go to a public place, to church, a concert, a ball game, etc., I get stuck behind somebody with poofy hair. And sadly, it is not always women. Poof hair means that I can't see much besides their out of style, ridiculous looking hair.

The other day I went to church, sat with some friends, and wouldn't you know it that just before church started this lady sat down right in front of me with the poofiest hair I have ever seen, and for an hour and fifteen minutes that's all I could see. I got nothing out of the sermon because my frustration was building inside me.

This year, for the first time I got season tickets for the Nuggets. Season tickets, of course, means assigned seats. So I got to the game early to enjoy all the pre-game activities. But just as the game started, this guy with an afro sat down right in front of me, so I had to crane my neck the whole game to see the action, and I've been craning my neck ever since the first game.

The same thing happened to me the other day at a concert. I'm really frustrated and fed up. Do you have any advice for me?

Samuel (Sammy)

Dear Sammy,

Thanks for writing. You have a pretty unique situation, but I believe I have some great advice.

First of all, you don't have to go to the ball game because you can probably see it on TV. Not only that the refrigerator and the bathroom are closer by. The game is cheaper, and you get to see replays of the action four or five times. But if you still insist on going to the games, you should grow your own afro so that the guy behind you knows what you are going through.

As far as the concert is concerned, I don't know why you would want to go there and get stampeded anyway. Concert goers are really crazy people. That poofy hair in front of you is probably just a wig. I suggest you grab it and give it a good hard yank.

Now church could be a little more delicate situation because if you get up and move someplace else people get offended thinking you don't like them, and that is not very Christian. So what I would suggest is to bring a pair of sharp scissors and start hacking away. The lady in front of you is probably clapping her hands to the music, so she won't notice. Then quickly hide the scissors and act real innocent. I'm sure your friends sitting around you won't rat you out. They are your friends, aren't they?

Please write me and let me know how things have worked out.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, March 16, 2012


Dear Reader:

Today no one wrote in asking for my crazy but great advice. No pet lovers, no lovers, no, not even presidential candidates. Not even Mr. O himself has written. So I will take this opportunity to bore you with another poem that I wrote a number of years ago. At the time of writing this poem I had just failed in my career as an insurance agent, and the poem is about that experience. After reading this you will also know that I failed as a poet. Link a bunch of failures together though and suddenly you have success..... at something. Enjoy the poem.


I am not a member of the "persuagent"
I found this out as an insurance agent
For twenty-some years I thought I could persuade
Preaching the Christian gospel was my crusade
For all those years I strived to tell
My flock how to live their lives so well
With the Spirit's anointing I gave the passionate plea
For people to accept Christ on bended knee
Many a soul gave their hearts to God
Then bore fruit as life's path they trod

Today I pastor that church no more
Things have changed in my life for sure
But since I thought I had the knack to be persuagent
I thought I could work as an insurance agent
I attended the classes to get my "degree"
My company even paid the fee
They were expecting a lot from me
And that is really how it should be

When I reported for service, I didn't know what to expect
But on the first day I learned the word "Prospect"
This was an order that was standing tall
I had to learn how to "cold call"
Picking up the phone was the hardest part
I really didn't know how to start
"Dialing for dollars" had to become an art
But was very nerve-wracking for an upstart

The few people I did get a chance to see
Didn't make it a habit of buying from me
I tried to be very "persuangent"
But few would buy from this insurance agent
So as a matter of survival
I'd be better off holding a revival
I bid farewell to this "lucrative" career
I'm sorry it lasted only one year

By Rod Speed

Note: From there I went into business for myself remodeling houses and doing carpentry and home repairs for others.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Mr. Foot in Mouth Disease Seeks Rod's Advice

Mr. B Wrote:

Dear Rod,

Did you hear my wonderful speech today where I really ripped the wealthy. As you know Mr. O and I want everyone to play by the same rules and to do their fair share. It's just not fair that some people are rich while others have much less. The only way we can make sure everyone does their fair share is to tax the rich and redistribute the money to the poor.

Also, Mr. O and I are tired of these high gas prices. I mean, we want prices high so that people are forced to use other energy, but during election time this is a real bother. I wish that Iran situation would just go away. I mean, what do people expect..... we have only 2% of the world's oil reserves, at least that's what Mr. O keeps telling us. The "No silver bullet thing" you know.

What I don't get is that even a majority of the Republicans don't like Mr. Mitts, yet he is leading Mr. O on the national polls. Do you have any advice for us to help us bring our numbers up?

Mr. B

Dear Mr. B,

Glad you could write me. Yes, I do have some advice along with some questions.

You and Mr. O want the wealthy to do their "fair share" which I interpret is to pay more taxes. Are you aware that the wealthy already pay more than 75% of the federal taxes that are collected? My question to you is, what is the "fair share" for the rest? Is their "fair share" to sit around and collect benefits. Doesn't the rest of the country have a responsibility to do something for their country? By the way, have you written a check lately to donate to the government?

Secondly, quit telling people "there is no silver bullet." People don't want a silver bullet, neither do they want algae to put in their gas tank. Also, quit telling people that the US has only 2% of the world's oil reserves. By government statistics there is 70 times that much in the USA.

Thirdly, if you want to improve in the polls I think you need to start acting more like a Republican. People want change. They got change three years ago and they want to change again.

Finally, although no one has actually taken my advice on this as of yet, you need to get a cute little puppy and hold it during a speech. They just need to know that you have a heart.

Hope I've helped.

Committed to crazy advice,

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Mr. O's Fair Share

Mr. O Wrote:

Dear Rod,

For a while it seemed as though I was becoming more popular with the American people as my ratings went up. Those republicans just keep tearing each other apart. But now my popularity is going back down, and I just don't get it. I'm going to have to do something before this next election. Do you have any advice as to what I can do?

And, by the way, I'm still waiting for your important endorsement. I'll give you half the price you are asking. I'm sure we'll be able to get most of it back through taxes.

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O

I am once again honored by your letter and your desire to have my endorsement. However, as my readership has gone up dramatically as of late, so has the price of my endorsement. After all, one of us has to be principled.

It is always a pleasure to give advice to a president who has his head in his butt. Remember when George H. Bush was running for re-election, the Democrats came up with the slogan "It's the economy, Stupid." I know you would like to twist that to say "it's the stupid economy." Well, both might be right in this case.

So, here is my advice if you want to win this election:

1) Approve the Keystone Pipeline. There's just something psychological about it. Plus we might actually have more oil.

2) Quit telling college student their parents should be proud of them for needing $3,000 per year in contraception.

3) Quit telling tax payers they should pay for that contraception.

4) Quit lying to the Prime Minister of Israel. That was pretty pathetic.

5) Quit telling people you like high gas prices so people will have to ride their bikes to work. Are you trying to turn us into Europe? (don't answer that.)

6) Admit that Obama Care is a big mistake. People like people who own up to their mistakes.

7) Quit trying to force churches to buy your new insurance policy.

8) Quit buying oil from the cartels. Produce more at home and buy from our real friends, Canada.

9) Quit making Americans pay $750,000 for soccer fields for Gitmo. Americans are tired of being taxed to death for this type of foolishness.

Finally, quit begging for my endorsement. I know what you mean that you will get the money back through taxes. Just last week your notorious IRS sent me a tax levy trying to get me to pay someone else's taxes. Man, I'm tired of the corruption in your administration (fire Eric Holder) (fire Leon Panetta). And I'm tired of a tax system that penalizes those who work hard and rewards those who are lazy.

Sorry, Mr. O. But you have a lot of work to do. Your first job is to convince Americans that you are honest. You've asked Americans to do their fair share. I'm I'm asking you to do yours.

I know all this sounds crazy to you. But, after all, this is "Rod's Crazy Advice."



Sunday, March 11, 2012

Atheist Rips Rod

Adam the Atheist wrote:


I won't even address you as "dear Rod" because I don't think there is anything dear about you. You blog is about the stupidest thing I have ever read, and I should know because I read all ov them.

You project the idea that there is a god or a higher power, and everybody knows that that is just a bunch of bunk. I don't know how anybody can believe in something that doesn't actually exist. God, as you know him is just a figment of your imagination. God is nowhere. Religious people are just a bunch of brainwashed idiots.

As far as your quick recovery from double knee replacement, you are either exaggerating or you didn't have the surgery at all. I know one thing for sure is that God didn't help you, and all those people praying for you are deceived and are just wasting their breath.

Hope you publish this so people will find out how stupid you are. And I hope you have a terrible day. I hope others will write in and put you in your place as well.

Adam the Atheist

Dear Adam,

Thanks for writing and making my case for me. Perhaps the only thing stupider than my blog is you. I can't believe that anyone who claims to be as smart as you actually read all these "stupid blogs." Besides, you can't even spell "of" correctly.

You said that God is "nowhere." You didn't even get that right because the correct way to say it is that God is "now here." Yes sir, He is everywhere present and I think you know it or you wouldn't make such a big deal of it. The biggest worry for an atheist is that God might actually exist, and if that is true you might not have any excuse for your sinful behavior. Well, my stupid friend, it is actually true. With my surgery God did answer my prayers and those of my friends.

I would suggest to you that if God is dead, or does not actually exist, then who is this living in my soul?

So, Adam, named after the first man, my suggestion to you is to prove that God does not exist. And once you have failed to prove that, repent and cozy up to Jesus, because I think that somewhere down the road you are really going to need Him. He has a way of filling up that hollow spot in your soul. He helps you to be smarter, too.

Sound Crazy to you? Not as crazy as you think.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sarah Wants Two Dogs.....Bill Doesn't

Bill Wrote:

Dear Rod,

We just bought a new house in a nice neighborhood. We love it but really maxed our finances to get it. We had no sooner moved in when Sarah, my wife, suggested we get a dog to make it feel like home. I said, "Sure, we can get a little terrier." She said, "No, I'd like a big dog like a great dane." I told her that I didn't know if it would be wise to have that large of a dog in the house. Then Sarah said, " I was actually thinking about two great danes. If we had only one he would be lonely when we are away to work."

I tried to protest bur Sarah only got mad at me. This is like our first big disagreement. I really need some crazy advice to get out of this one.

Needing help,

Dear Bill,

Why is it that as soon as people buy a new house they also want a new dog. And worse, why would they want two of those critters to take care of?

We bought a house and had it built in a new subdivision. We were the first on our street to move in. Well, pretty soon all the houses were built, about three hundred of them. The next thing I knew people were moving in all over the place and as soon as they moved in the bought a dog. Now we have what I call "Barking Dog Subdivision"

When I want to go out and sit on my deck to enjoy the shade, the dog next door starts barking, then the dog two doors down starts barking. Then a third dog joins in. All it is is "bark, bark, bark, arf, arf, woof, woof, bark, bark. Then an ambulance goes by and they all start to howl in unison.

But it gets worse than that. Friday nights people like to go out on the town. They go to eat, or go to the bars, or maybe to a ball game. But before they go they put their dogs out of the house so they can enjoy barking at the poor sap (that's me) who is out on his deck grilling hamburgers. The sad thing is, these people don't show up at home until midnight. So their dogs get a good session of tormenting their neighbor (me) who is the only guy not to go to the bar that night.

Let me ask you, Bill, how much to you value your neighbor? Would you like him to invite you over for a burger, or would you like him throwing burgers over the fence that might create some vet bills? You might think about that. And, don't ever think that your dog won't ever bark.

But, Bill, it gets even worse. Many of the dog owners are too lazy to pick up the poo. On a good hot day it kind of spoils the flavor of the hamburger grilled outside. Even the hot dogs taste worse and we already know what those are made of.

So now for the advice. Get a cute little house dog that doesn't like being outside, has very little poo to pick, and barks like crazy when a stranger comes close to the house. And guess what? You'll save money on dog food, he'll fit in the car better, and your neighbors will invite you for a cookout.

So tell Sara, if she wants two great danes that she can feed them, pick up after them, walk them, and pay their vet bills. Also, let her know that her neighbor won't like her. I think she might like a toy terrier after all.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, March 9, 2012

Ramona Rips Rod

Ramona Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I wish you'd quit bragging about yourself. You always think you are so smart. Do you really think that I believe that Mr. O, Mr. Ginko, Mr. Mitts, Mr. Sanitation, and Mr. Pull have really written you. And who do you think you are that you could give them any useful advice. And why do you think anyone would pay you a million dollars for your endorsement.

Also, I wish you would quit bragging about your "fantastic recovery" from double knee replacement. Do you really think it is believable. Well, I know better because I had a knee replacement four months ago and I'm still using the walker. I think you exaggerate things. You make it sound like I'm a slacker when it comes to therapy.

So I have some advice for you....SHUT UP!


Dear Ramona,

This is my blog, so I will brag if I want to. And yes, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart. What makes you so sure that Mr. O hasn't written to me and asked for my advice and endorsement. And, no, my endorsement is not worth a million dollars, I am now asking 1.5 million. And when it is down to just two candidates it will go up to two million. And when I get it, even you will have to admit I'm pretty smart.

As to my "fantastic" recovery. It's all true. I'm sorry about your slow recovery. Would you like me to come over and help you with therapy. You do do therapy, don't you? Come on, Ramona, bend that leg.... further.... further. Now straighten it right out. The more you do this the less it will hurt. I bet bunny would like to work with you.

Honestly, Ramona, this blog is all about crazy advice. It's all about having some fun. And it's about entertaining my readers. I'll let president O know you are concerned about him.

No hard feelings here,


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Knee Doc Seeks Advice

Knee Doc wrote:

Dear Rod,

It is very seldom that I replace both knees on a patient at one time, yet you convinced me to do that for you. I want to compliment you on being a very good patient. Your recovery is way ahead of the curve. In fact, you are doing better than 90% of my patients who get only one knee replaced. I find that pretty amazing. When checking your flexion and extension I found that you are way ahead there, too. Also, when you walk there is no tilt. It it hard to tell from your walk that you have had your knees replaced.

Is there any advice that you could give me that I could pass on to other patients?

Knee Doc

Dear Knee Doc,

Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot to me since I worked and suffered so much in order to recover and impress you. Yes, there is some advice that you could pass on.

My first advice is to follow the advice of your doctor. If he says you need to work hard at your therapy, then work hard at your therapy. And the more you do early on, the quicker you will recover. There is gain with much pain.

Secondly, walk, walk, walk, and walk some more. Count the many trips to the bathroom throughout the night as a blessing. First of all, they keep your legs limber and secondly you are peeing off all the excess weight you gained in the hospital. I lost the ten pounds I gained in the hospital plus fifteen more. Hello, I'm sure there are people out there who would like to lose some pounds.

Thirdly, count it all joy when your therapist comes to your home twice a week to torment you. The truth is, do the therapy and get better. Don't do the therapy and keep hobbling around. At the end of three weeks I discarded the walker. Three days later the cane went away. At three weeks to the day I walked a mile mostly uphill (not kidding) to a Starbucks. Bragged about myself to the cashier, drank my coffee, then walked home. Thank you Bunny for your sadistic terror.

And Doc, I'm really serious about this one. I think I had an advantage because both knees were done at the same time. I had no good leg to depend on, I had to use them both. At times it took all my strength and grit, but I used them and I believe that contributed greatly to my recovery.

And finally. Doc, before you perform surgery, you need to let the patient know that by the two week visit they need to reach certain goals or you won't be happy. That was one of my biggest motivations was to come to your office at two weeks, then five weeks and get your approval.

Now that I think of it, you should pay me to do a commercial for you. That could offset the twelve grand I am out. Just kidding. Or, maybe I'm not kidding. Give it some thought.

Hope I've helped,


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Dr. Green Thinks I Should Copyright

Dr. Green Wrote:

Dear Rod,
I am the head of the literature department at a university that I cannot mention in this letter. But after reading your poem I think you should copyright it and endeavor to have it published. You have a unique poetry style and subject matter. By the way, do you have other poetry that is worthy of being published?

Dr. Green

Dear Dr. Green of the unknown university,

Thank you for writing me and for your encouragement. I can understand why you don't want the name of your university known, it could be risky after complementing my poetry.

No, I haven't thought about copyrighting or publishing my poetry. I really don't know who would buy a book of five poems, especially five poorly written poems by an unknown. Oh wait! I guess I'm becoming famous because of this blog. After all, some pretty important people have written to me on this blog.

Now to satisfy your question about more poetry, below is another I wrote when my wife was registering for college at Green Bay.


By Rod Speed

We drove to Green Bay on a gloomy day
to the UWGB we found our way
The college there is quite a creation
There is where you meet with frustration
Especially on days of registration

First, to the booth to get a parking permit
Then to the science building, if you can find it
In the door and up many a stair to see Dr. Ritch who is nowhere
Then down the stairs and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall

You stand in line to get the right form, then down the hall - your shoes are well worn
To the office you go to get signed in - Ooops! It's the wrong form for Ritch to sign in
Back down the stairs and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall
Stand in line to get the RIGHT form, by now your shoes are really well worn

Next, to get my college I.D. , parking permit, and my locker key
This time I don't have to walk, just stand in line, give money and talk
I'd better hurry and wait or I'll be late,
This all has to be done on this particular date

Next, to the office of financial aid, through all those forms I'll have to wade
They tell me what to do....what's that she said?
By now my eyes are seeing red
"We haven't received your transcript yet, we must have them before your aid you'll get"

I begin to cry, my body shakes, I've done all I can, but not what it takes
I cry out, "O Lord, For heaven's sakes!"
But I continue to sob, and my body shakes

They took my picture for the I.D., "Two dollars please, that's the fee."
"Come back on Monday and your card you'll get."
Another seventy mile trip and I'll be all set!
Out the door and down the hall, mile after mile, wall after wall.
My car through the rain is a quarter mile away
But this is registration day at Green Bay

Hope this crazy poem satisfies you that there is no talent here,

Committed to crazy advice,

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Rod's a Poet and Doesn't Know it

Clifford wrote:

Dear Rod,

I heard through the grapevine that you are quite a poet, and yet I have never seen any of your poetry. Do you do stuff like "Roses are red and violets are purple, sugar is sweet and so is maple syruple?" (Roger Miller). Just what kind of poetry do you do?


Dear Clifford,

I don't know what grapevine you hear this bunch of nonsense on. But, yes, I write poetry if you can actually call it that. What type, I dunno. Below is a poem I wrote in response to my frustration with alphabetical discrimination, and that is also the title.


I'm a Speed and not an Avery
that in itself is "societal slavery"
I call it "alphabetical discrimination"
and I intend to fight it with determination

When in the Army I had to stand in line....
Third platoon, third squad, third in line
We Speeds were never first...always near last
That's how the military die was cast

Avery, he was always up front
To the Speeds the message was very blunt
He was first and we were last
That's how the military die was cast

As we stood in ranks to get our chow
It all comes back so clearly now
Avery was the first in line
This was repeated time after time

He would get his chow and sit in a chair
We Speeds were always still standing there
Inside and warm Avery is on his seat
Outside in the cold we were still on our feet

By the time we get in to eat our meal
Avery is back in the barracks letting his "poor feet" heal
He has a half-hour or so of free time
We Speeds go right back to work after we dine

So that's the way it is all through life
The A's and the S's are bound to have strife
Avery, you see, he isn't any better
His name just happens to start with first letter

Why, just the other day it happened again
College registration, you know....getting in
Avery's and Anderson's could register first
Speeds and Zablockis were under the curse

Avery and Anderson got class of choice
Speed and Zablocki, of course, had no voice
"I'm sorry, Speed, this class is full"
Being an Avery would have been helpful

Avery goes on to get his higher education
My learning is slowed due to this situation
"A" is for "Avery" and all the breaks
"S" is for "Speed" for heaven sakes

I think I have found the solution to my woe
I must change my name to Aspeed or Aspeedo
Then Aspeed and Azablocki can get all the breaks
For S and Z have not what it takes

My just once they should go from Z to A
But that, of course, would cause Avery dismay
He's so used to standing in front of the line
Stand back a ways would cause him to whine

This poem was written by Rod Aspeed
I want to thank the Zavery's and Sanderson's for reading it last

He's Always Right

Mark wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have a situation that I have been dealing with for many years. I have and older brother, Duke, that doesn't live far from me. But there has been an ongoing problem ever since we were kids. Duke always insists that he is right about things and that I am wrong. He will say things "like even a dummy knows that." Or, "are you some kind of idiot." It's very demeaning. Even on topics where I have a lot more knowledge he still thinks he knows more, and he won't back down. It's gotten to the point where I don't like being around him. Do you have some advice for me?

Dear Mark,

Thanks for writing. Your brother, Duke, has a dogs name..... a bull dog, which stands for bullying. I wouldn't want to be around him, either. But I guarantee you that he likes being around you because he always wins.

Here's what you do, don't be around him. Sooner or later he will notice that his favorite object of ridicule is avoiding him. When he finally asks you about it simply let him know that you are tired of being wrong all the time and that the only time you seem to be wrong is when you are with him. Let him know that you have found other friends to hang out with that don't ridicule and belittle you and that you no longer need him to hang with. Believe me, you will be the winner and he will be the loser.

There will be a long period that you won't see each other because Duke will be dealing with his anger. Once he has dealt with his anger, there may be opportunity to see each other again. I don't think he'll call you a "damned dummy." He will respect you because he will know that you can get up and walk right out the door. Your conversations will be better.

Hope I've helped,


Saturday, March 3, 2012

Puppy Plays Favorites

Sandy wrote:

Dear Rod,

My name is Sandy and I am 8 years old. 11 days ago we got a new puppy in our house. He is so cute. We call him Charlie. But Charlie likes my big sister more than me. I never get to hold him or pet him. My sister Kayla hogs him all the time. It makes me cry because I love Charlie, too. I don't know what to do to make Charlie like me. HELP!


Dear Sandy,

When I read your letter I almost cried. Your feelings must be hurt really bad. But I think there is something you can do.

First, find out what smells and stuff Charlie doesn't like, like maybe some kind of strong soap, and rub that on Kayla's clothes without her knowing. Be sure not to get caught. Then at the same time rub something Charlie really likes on your own clothes and on your hands. Pretty soon Charlie will be coming to you and licking you all over. Smear some jelly on your lips and he will even lick your face.

Secondly, you be the one to go get the leash to take Charlie for a walk. All dogs like to get outside and walk. Pretty soon when you hold up the leash Charlie will come running to you. Bring some puppy snack with you, and if you don't have those bring some cheerios, puppies like cheerios too.

If Kayla gets mad at you, just chew some bubble gum and put it on her chair to sit on. She'll be so mad about her designer jeans that Charlie will be afraid of her.

Please write me and let me know how it all works out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Friday, March 2, 2012

News Reporter Seeks Rod's Advice

B. Wilhelm wrote:

Dear Rod,
As you know I am the anchorman for a major television network. My job is to report the news and report it in such a way to make the Republicans look bad and the Democrats look good. But sometimes it is just hard to do. When I see Mr. O doing all this apology stuff it just simply turns my stomach, but it is my job to report it and make it sound like the right thing to do. When I heard Mr. O tell Americans about high gas prices and that he wants to solve the problem with alga, I just wanted to scream! But once again it was my job to back him. This kind of stuff goes on and on.

It is also my job to make sure that America hears about all the bad stuff about Mr. Mitts, Mr. Ginko, Mr. Sanitation, and so on. Doing that reporting isn't so hard since I really want to bring these guys down. What I need advice on is how to live with myself for being so partial in my reporting. I mean, that is really weighing heavy.

Dear Mr. Wilhelm,

I am really surprised to hear from you. I don't know if I a much good of helping people deal with their conscience, but I'll give it a try.

First, I think you need to let yourself be brainwashed so that you really believe all the good about the Democrats and all the bad about the Republicans. You need to convince yourself that the Republicans really do want people to be unemployed and homeless without any medical benefits. This will help you to really despise them and speak all manner of evil against them.

Secondly, you need to let yourself be brainwashed into believing that Mr. O's call for high gas prices will really help the poor sap that is barely getting by. Convince yourself that the president really should be able to boss church organizations around and make them buy things that they don't believe in. Once you really believe these things your conscience will be seared and you should have no problem reporting them.

I know just the guy to send you to to be brainwashed..... Rush Limbaugh.

Hope I've helped,


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Arnold Wants God Out of Politics

Anrold Wrote:

Dear Rod,

It really irks me when people like Mr. Sanitation or Mr. Huckleberry are always trying to insert God into politics. I think that is a real violation of "separation of church and state." I just wish they would quit. Now I have some of my own relatives that are always bringing the Bible into our arguments with politics. They quote the Old Testament. They quote the New Testament. They are always making references to the nation of Israel. They just simply drive me out of my mind.

Another thing that irks me is when the presidents, and all of them do it, end their speeches by saying "God bless America."

I've been trying for years to tell my relatives that the Bible has no place in politics. But they just keep at it. It's driving me to distraction. I'm wondering if you have some crazy advice that will help me deal with this.

Driven to distraction,

Dear Arnold,

Why do you write to me like I am some authority on God and government. Frankly, I don't control either one any more than you can control your relatives. But having said that, yes, I have some advice for you.

First of all, if God really is who He says He is, then by His universal presence He has already inserted Himself into the affairs of men. It makes no difference if you think He should leave our government alone....He will probably do what He wants to do anyway. And the fact that He is God makes it pretty hard for anyone to stop Him. And why wouldn't we want God in our affairs? It seems to me that He has all wisdom.

Secondly, I sense that you don't really know who God is, or you might not resist Him so much. I'd advise you to take some time to get to know Him, then tell me you don't want Him in the affairs of men.

Thirdly, quit going to those family pot lucks. That's where all these arguments about government and religion get started anyway. Besides, if you don't go, you won't have to eat that yucky dish that aunt Ellen brings all the time. Did you know that she always licks the spoon when she is cooking? How can you be sure she washes her hands after going to the bathroom and before cooking. I know one thing for sure now, those pot lucks will never taste quite the same.

Hope I was able to help you.

Committed to crazy advice,