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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Thanks For Reading

Dear Readers,

Here's a big thanks for your commitment to reading my blog, "Rod's Crazy Advice."  As you can tell it was my ironic or as some would say, my sarcastic side coming out. I got that out of my system for a while and I must admit that I feel much better. I no longer feel the need to be sarcastic and to misguide people through life so I therefore will abandon my writing of this blog for a while. It may not go away entirely for I never know when the IRS will try to intimidate me into paying someone else's taxes. Or I don't know when there will be another outbreak in Barking Dog Subdivision. Or I don't know when Home Depot will block off the aisle I need to shop in. I may remain sarcastic about those such things. When I do, you may run into another post on my blog. God have mercy on you. 

But, until then, thanks. But keep paying for me because I need to shop Home Depot frequently. In that case you may need to pray for yourself lest I blog again.

May the Lord have mercy on us all!


No longer committed to crazy advice.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Way Too Loud

Harmon wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've got a really big problem that I am now dealing with. I have been attending the same church for the past ten years or so and have witnessed a lot of changes in that time.  When I first started attending there was a different pastor than there is now and, conversely, a different minister of music. The music has also changed with the minister. When I once enjoyed the worship service I am now very uncomfortable. Where as we used to sing a mix of traditional and contemporary songs, the songs are now all contemporary. Also, the music is so loud that I can hardly stand it. In fact, I had to leave the service a couple of times because the music was so penetrating.

Whatever happened to the old gospel songs? Those were songs that had depth and great meaning. I don't mean that we should sing only those songs, but lately we sing none of them. I love my church but I feel that my needs are no longer being met in the worship service. Do you have any advice for me?

Dear Harmon,

You sound like you are as old as I am. And, yes, I do have some advice.

First of all, I think that you should admit to yourself that you are old and out dated and that your needs don't matter as much as that of the younger people. To talk plainly to you, you are an old codger. Maybe the term "old geezer" is better. The world about us is changing but old codgers change slower than the world does.

Secondly, You can make up your mind that you will go with the flow. Bring your own earplugs if you need to or use the ones that the church provides.  Though it does seem strange that a church would provide earplugs because they know their music is too loud.

Thirdly, you can sit in the foyer until the music service is over. That will give you a chance to learn all the contemporary songs you don't know without having to sing them. Some of them actually have a good message and should be easy to learn because the same line is used over and over.

Fourthly, you can start your own church called "The First Church of the Old Codgers."  I'll bet there are scores of other old codgers just like yourself who would gladly attend so long as they could sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus", and "Holy, Holy, Holy" once in a while. And even though you probably need a hearing aide for normal things, at least you would not have to wear earplugs.

Finally, if any of my advice works, let me know.

Committed to crazy advice,


Thursday, April 19, 2012

IRS Oversteps

This is an editorial on the IRS (that's the Internal Revenue Service for those of you who don't pay taxes).

As a self employed business owner I am required to make quarterly estimated payments to the IRS for taxes on income that I may or may not have earned. This includes both the employer and employees parts for Social Security which is called self employment taxes. The government wants to be sure to grab my money whether I have actually earned income or not.

Those who work for me are sub-contractors, which also qualifies them as self employed businessmen. This means that they must also pay their taxes the same way I do. I am therefore exempt from paying their taxes because they are not my employees.

However, the IRS is now using a new tactic to collect taxes that are owed. Two of my sub-contractors have neglected to pay any of their Federal or self employment taxes. The IRS has now sent me tax levies for each of these sub-contractors expecting me to withhold any future payments to my contractors and sending it in to the government. So they figure that by sending me a bill for $28,300 for someone else's taxes that I will do them the big favor of somehow coming up with the money for them. These tax bills go back to 2008. This prompts me to ask the question as to why they didn't go after these business owners earlier.

Anyway, One of the contractors I was able to call and he called the IRS and got set up on a payment plan. I got off the hook on that one. But this recent one for $28,300 I am unable to do so because the contractor hasn't subbed for me for over two years. I don't know where this is going to go.

But here's the point(s). First of all, by garnishing someone's contract pay I am putting the safety of myself, my wife, and my property at risk. Obviously the IRS doesn't care about that. They're all about the money and they have no conscience. Secondly, I do not believe that they can legally require me to collect another businessman's taxes. Thirdly, all of the tax preparers that I have talked to agree with me and say that this is simply a method of intimidation.

The last point is probably the most important point. Our government has shifted from being "for the people" to a government of "penalties and intimidation." They are all about the money to keep themselves running. If there is a fourth point it is this: The taxes that we pay are intrusive and overbearing. Lower tax rates would lead to more willing tax payers. Lower taxes would stimulate the economy. I know one thing for sure.... I'd be building more decks, installing more doors, buying more materials. The government doesn't care about that. They just want more money to pay their salaries so that they can upgrade their own houses. They don't care about your house.

My advice. Abolish the IRS. Go to a system where everyone pays taxes (40% of Americans don't). A consumption tax is fairest. Basic necessities exempt, and that doesn't mean beer and dog food. Eliminate the Federal tax on gasoline; low income people have to go to work, too. Create a 12 step program for IRS workers as they withdraw from their addiction to government checks and integrate into the world that the rest of us live in.

Still committed to crazy advice (although this advice is not so crazy)


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hank Watches at Home

Hank Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm not very good at writing but I will try this anyhow. You sure were right about going to sporting events. Did you see those Rockies last night? Man did they ever stink. I'm sure glad I didn't go to that ball game. I always sits at home and watches them play and when they stinks like that I just shuts them off and grabs another beer and burrito and finds something else to watch. Those millionaire baseball players aren't getting any of my money. Tell Delvin he's right for saving his money.

Dear Hank,

In case you haven't noticed this blog is "Rod's Crazy Advice." I guess that for some of you I will have to Capitalize the word "crazy" and perhaps drop the word "advice." Some of you just don't get it that I use a lot of irony in my blog. And, no, irony is not a metal. But I will be direct with you because you are just plain "stupid." you might have to look that word up in the dictionary if you can find it under all your beer cans and burrito wrappers.

First, of all, you are paying those millionaire baseball players salaries if you watch them on TV. Ever heard of television rights? Your cable company pays for television rights which in turn you pay for with your cable subscription. So let me thumb my nose at you on that one.

Secondly, you were watching the wrong game last night. On another sports channel the Nuggets won their most important game of the season by two points. That would have been worth your money, which by the way you did pay.

Thirdly, I'm not opposed to people squandering their money by going to the ball games and sporting events. It's their money and they can make millionaires out of professional players if they want to. Besides, with ticket prices it is mostly millionaires sitting in the stands anyway. Of course, the Rock Pile still has cheap tickets and the bonus is that you might even get beaned with a home run ball and have a nice lump on your head to show your friends the next day. But if you sit there you'd better bring your binoculars. But careful, you don't want the ball to hit you in the binoculars while looking through them. I can just see your two black eyes now. :-)

Finally, Do you have to get out of your chair to reach the fridge or the pantry? I was just wondering because you seem like the type that just sits. Please don't tell me that you have a bedpan next to your favorite chair.

So my advice to you is to get out of the house. Go to the baseball game. You haven't really lived until someone has spilled a cold beer on you.

And one more thing, you are right..... you aren't very good at writing. You're not supposed to end every other word with an s.

Committed to CRAZY (That is just for you)


Monday, April 16, 2012

Take Me to the Ballgame!

Delvin wrote:

Dear Rod,

We have four major sports teams in our city and we seldom to never go to see them perform. My wife keeps saying we should do this sometime but we never seem to get it on our calendar and we certainly don't get online to buy tickets. We just can't seem to get into the habit of doing that. Do you have any advice?

Dear Delvin,

Thanks for writing. I really sympathize with your problem. I want you to imagine the tears running down my cheeks. Actually, I'm not crying for you but for the poor underpaid professional players who are trying to feed their families while you and your wife sit there and stonewall on buying tickets. Shame!

Just think of what you and your wife are missing out on by not going to the baseball game. First of all you miss driving through bumper-to-bumper traffic getting there. You miss out on paying $30 for parking. Then you will certainly miss standing in the long line waiting to get in. Then there is finding your seat only to discover the guy in front of you is wearing a big cowboy hat and the guy behind you is already drunk and is about to spill beer on you and your wife. Then you get to miss out on buying $8 hotdogs and $7 cokes. You will certainly miss the nice soft cushion on your seat because you forgot to bring one. And you will miss your umbrella, too because you forgot that at home. You will miss seeing the faces of your favorite players because you are sitting too far back and forgot your binoculars. You won't even recognize your favorite players by number because the other day the all wore #42.

I'm asking, why would anyone actually want to go to the game when they can watch it on the HD 50 inch screen TV, park in the garage, enjoy 50 cent hotdogs and cokes, sit in a padded chair where the footrest flips up and the bathroom is just down the hall. At home you also get to see the important plays several times and the person next to you isn't spilling beer on you. A great night in for the two of you for about $10. And you don't have to worry about the beer drinking fan driving in the next lane.

And Delvin, don't you just love it that you didn't spend about $100 to sit in the rain and watch your team lose while the $20 million guy throws his bat down in anger?

Hope I've helped.

Committed to crazy advice,


Thursday, April 12, 2012

They Don't Get It!

Boaz wrote:

Dear Rod,

I don't think that Bernice and Jesse get it! I'm sitting here in Estes Park, Colorado enjoying a great cup of coffee and the best carrot cake I've ever eaten. It's not all about the coffee. Sometimes you have to go to where the carrot cake is. I'm looking out this window at the beautiful mountains and the Big Thompson River running below me and I am thinking, "Where else can I get this?" So I think that Bernice and Jesse need to smarten up.


Dear Boaz,

You must have been an unwanted child in order for your parents to give you a name like that! And keep talking like that and you will be an unwanted husband, too. Bernice and Jesse might not get it, but you don't have to belittle them. By the way, are you married to Bernice.... or ..... Jesse? Is this a family feud that is going on here? Did Jesse buy the Prius yet?

The problem here, Boaz, is that most men don't have a clue about the likes and dislikes of their wives. And I hope I am saying wives singularly. It's really all in how you ask them to go to coffee with you. You don't just say "let's go to coffee." You gotta say, "how would you like a nice hazelnut latte or mocha frap?" Then she will say, "Where?" Then you will say, "How about that nice little coffee shop in the mountains where the scenery is so nice?" Then she will say, "Who's car are we taking?" And you'll say, "We'll take the Prius so we can save on gas." Then she'll say, "I'm all for saving money. It's cheaper than going to some chick flick, so let's go." And now you will save some money because you won't need that expensive divorce lawyer.

So I'm guessing that if you are not married to Bernice or Jesse, you must be married to Ruth. I haven't heard from Ruth, yet. Do you mind if I call you Az for short?

Hope everything works out for you.


More Coffee Issues

Jesse wrote:

Dear Rod,

I agree with Bernice. My husband also has a big coffee problem. He drinks so much coffee that his pee comes out brown. Even his eyes twitch and his hands shake. Not only that we have to drive a long ways to go to certain coffee shops. One of his favorites is thirty miles away, and another is just about that far away. The other day we actually drove fifty miles one way to get a cup of coffee, and I don't even like the stuff. We're paying almost as much for gas as we are coffee now. I think Bernice is right and enough is enough!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!


Dear Jesse,

What ever gave you the idea that I smoke? It sounds like you and Bernice are sisters and you are married to the same man. That's weird.

I don't think his twitchy eyes and shaky hands are from too much coffee. I think he's just scared to ask you to go with him again. I can imagine how that conversation goes. I think you need to make up to him by buying him a Starbucks card.

Have you ever heard of the Prius? I think you need to get one so that you can quit complaining about the price of gas.

What else would you do with your free time? Go to some chick flick? Can you imagine what the daily popcorn and coke would cost there? Besides, you know good and well that your favorite theater is twenty miles away. You're actually saving money buying coffee.

Jesse, what can be better than sitting at a Starbucks with great music playing, looking at the beautiful Colorado mountain scenery, and commiserating with friends? But I do admit that if you live in Iowa looking out the window at cornfields and hog farms my not be ideal.

Go buy yourself a Prius, then write me and let me know how life is going.

Committed to Crazy Advice,


Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Bernice wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husbands favorite thing to do with his free time is go to a coffee shop. It seems we can never figure anything else out to do. I am so tired of seeing the inside of a Starbucks that I could absolutely puke. Yet, I end up going along with him because he can't seem to think of anything else to do. And do you know what our Starbucks bill is? No wonder their stock is doing so well. I feel like we are supporting them all by ourselves.

Do you have any advice?

Dear Bernice,

Oh no! What a bummer! Your husband is addicted to coffee. I think you need to have him committed to a twelve step program. I just don't get it, all these people throwing their lives away drinking coffee. What a shame?

Oh ya, you wanted advice. Well here it is. Force yourself to learn to like lattes and frapaccinos (or however you spell it). Then buy some Starbucks stock and sit back and buy yourself rich. Who knows, maybe you will open your own Starbucks someday. Then you will be glad for all those slugs who are addicted to coffee.

Perhaps you could invent Starbucks coffee flavored soft serve ice cream. I can't understand why nobody has done that yet. Perhaps you could do that, then walk around town with one of those little ice cream carts. You'll be getting kids started on coffee early which is good for future business at your store.

Just think, one day you will be able to stand in front of a group and say, "My name is Bernice and I am a coffeeholic." Everybody will applaud.

Write me when your husband is cured,

Committed to crazy advice,


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Mr. Mitts is on a Roll

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

I want to thank you for all your previous advice. As you can see, it has all paid off. I'm on a roll now and will soon have the nomination. This just shows that being a good guy and spending millions does pay off. But I am wondering why you never advised me to give a speech while holding a cute little puppy.

Anyway, is there any advice you can give me now as I prepare to run against Mr. O?

Dear Mr. Mitts,

Thanks for the compliments.

First of all you have to show the American people that Mr. O is more out of touch with their needs than you are. No more mentioning the two Cadillacs your wife drives, even if they are American made. Remember that the rest of us don't have even one Cadillac. And please don't say anything about the elevator being built for you car at your mansion in California. Those of us who have elevators live in apartment buildings.... not mansions.

You have to focus on denouncing Mittscare as one of your biggest mistakes. If you don't, how can you denounce Obamycare?

You have to focus on jobs. It's been so long that some Americans have had one that they might not know what you are talking about. They need to be reminded that its not a government check for watching TV.

You have to focus on cheaper gas so folks can drive their Focus. I thought that was a nice play on words. It should never cost $50 to fill a Focus. And, yes, supply and demand does work here. We produce more of our own and the Saudis will lower their price. It's funny how they understand the free market system better than we do. Don't forget your slogan, "a Cadillac in every garage, and a gallon of gas in every tank!"

Stop the presses! I mean, let's quit printing bogus money that makes everything cost more. Nobody likes being paid with funny money.... not even the Chinese.

As far as making a speech with a cute puppy goes, I was saving that for your presidential run. But I have been somewhat Stymied, I have been searching for a dog that matches your personality and have had a really hard time since it appears that you have no personality. I wish that just once you'd get a little excited about something. You don't have to look presidential all the time. But you don't have to sound like Howard Dean, either.

One more thing..... don't forget about my endorsement fee. Remember that Mr. Sanitation isn't dead in the water yet.

Write me again when you are president. I will be glad to be your press secretary.

Committed to crazy advice,


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Michelle's Husband Complains

Husband wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have to keep this anonymous since I am a high profile figure. But I need some advice concerning my wife, Michelle. She has this thing with food. Everything in our house has to be organic and healthful. No snack foods in our house! No chips, no ice cream, no twinkies, and no little debbies. Her idea of a snack is a banana, or an orange, or something like that. Not only that, she won't let me smoke. She even goes out of town to seminars telling people what to eat. She just doesn't understand that a man just has to have a good junk food snack every now and then. Well, let me rephrase that.... every day. It's no wonder I'm so thin. The only time I can snack or smoke is when she's away at one of her wholesome food seminars.

I'm wondering, is there any advice you can give me?

Dear Anonymous,

I think your wife wrote me yesterday. Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? And yes, I have some advice.

First of all I want to say that I agree with you. It's hard to beat a good junk food snack. I've been eating them for years and haven't died from diabetes yet. After I doctored the scale, I don't weigh any more, either.

I think you are doing the right thing sneaking behind your wife's back eating junk food. But man, the cigs have to go.

You could have some secret service agents buy you junk food and relabel it as healthy. They could also relabel the bananas as artificially grown near some atomic plant.

Or, you could stand up and be a man and say "Wify dear, I'll have a little Debbie or a Kent if I want one." But you'd better have a good lawyer..... at least a better one than what went before the supreme court the other day because Michelle might think that a little Debbie is just another Monica Lewinski, and Kent might mean you are sexually disoriented.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

Committed to crazy advice,


Friday, April 6, 2012

Michelle Complains About Her Husband

Dear Rod

I know I'm taking a big change writing you, but right now I'm really desperate. I have a lot of issues with my husband. For one, he's always talking politics. Then he goes to one political meeting after another. Sometimes he even flies out of town for these meetings. He has a habit of distorting the truth, he's always negative, a lot of his friends have abandoned him, and I even had to nag him into quit smoking. Thank God he quit smoking. I wish he'd get a normal job like everyone else.

I'm taking a chance on you,


Dear Michelle,

Thanks for writing. It sounds like your husband is Mr. O.

First of all, I can't blame him for talking politics, but I would much rather have him take another vacation to Hawaii. But I'm afraid that even there he will have another political meeting.

Secondly, Have you tried washing his mouth out with soap. When I was a kid and got sassy with my mom or lied to her I got a good taste of Zest. Actually that was a bad taste that did cure me for a day or two. So, with Barak you'll have to keep a lot of Zest around.

Thirdly, losing friends is what you do when you constantly talk politics. He would have much better success telling his friends how much money he can give them. Money always talks.

Fourthly, I'm glad you have the smoking issue under control. But have you walked out behind the White House to see if there are any cigarette butts on the ground? I'm telling you, talking politics the way he does will drive any man to smoke.

As far as the normal job is concerned, there are no normal jobs. They have all gone away. He hasn't caught on yet that the government doesn't actually create jobs. He's busy hindering corporations and companies that do. So in about nine months, good luck job hunting. I have friends who have been without a job for over two years. Just thought I would encourage you.
And in reality, I, too, hope he has a normal job soon.

Hope I've encouraged you,

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Peeved Contractor

Clarence wrote:

Dear Rod,

My name is Clarence and I'm a contractor. The biggest peeve I have with my work is that people expect me to do work for free. It always goes like this: "As long as you are here I've got something else for you to look at. It will only take a few minutes." I never hear them say.... "I'm willing to pay extra" or "would you give me a bid on that?" They're expecting freebies.

Just the other day we were painting this foyer where the ceiling is twenty-two feet high. The second story of this foyer has windows, huge windows, that had not been washed for at least a decade. The owner said, "While you are up there would you please wash the windows." I said, "Sure, that will take about an hour, we can add it on to the bill." He said, "You mean you won't just do it?" I said, "I pay my men by the hour." Well, anyway, to make a long story short, the owner got peeved. When he paid me at the end of the job he shorted me $100.

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this?


Dear Clarence,

What an idiot you are! Don't you know that contractors are in the same category as used car salesmen, politicians, lawyers, and doctors who screw up your surgery? Wow! I can't believe you are so naive. But, yes I do have some advice for you.

First, you can remain bitter and take the case to small claims court and waste your time there. You might get your hundred bucks back but I guarantee you that your former client will claim that you did a rotten job painting and that you were lucky to get paid what you did get paid.

Secondly, you can remain bitter and put a lien against his house. Of course that will cost you. But in your state of mind you might consider it worth it just to get even.

Thirdly, you can remain bitter and drive by his house in the middle of the night and throw a handful of roofing nails on the guy's driveway. Good luck sleeping, though.

Fourthly, you can get over it. You can recover the money by not buying those expensive Starbucks drinks for two weeks. You'll probably lose two pounds in the process. So you can write the guy a letter and tell him how happy you are that he cheated you because you are now on a great weight loss program because of it. He might think you are starving and send you the hundred dollars because his conscience is bothering him. But don't count on it because I think he lost his conscience a long time ago.

So, Clarence, don't be an idiot. Just get over it. Think of it this way, you never really lost $100. $52 of those dollars would be taxes. $10 would be your tithes to the church. So all you lost was $38. And think of it, you just got free advice so yo are probably money ahead.

Hope I've helped,

Committed to crazy advice,

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Poor Loser

Cindi wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've got a real problem that I don't know how to solve. Me and my sister like to play board games and cards and things like that together. In school I was always the better student like as in making the honor roll. My sister Katie never made the honor roll even once. Yet she almost always wins these games. I know I am smarter but she is always winning. Do you have some advice for me?

Dear Cindi,

It looks to me like you have a real life or death problem here. Your situation is of absolutely no interest to my readers or myself, yet, for some unknown reason beyond reason it was the best problem of the day. So, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, I would advise you to quit playing with your sister because you are getting a loser's complex. Conversely, your sister is getting a winner's complex. It will be really hard for you to beat her. And since the joy of the game for you is winning I suggest you quit while Katie is ahead.

Secondly, if you insist on playing games, you could do what most people do in your situation do.....resort to cheating. In fact, the reason your sister always wins must be because she is cheating. If Katie is younger than you, she probably learned early that she had to lie and cheat to beat you. She will go a long way in life. Mr. O is proof of that.

Thirdly, don't think you are so smart just because you made the honor roll. That mainly means that they filled your young skull full of mush with liberalism. That doesn't necessarily mean you are smart, it just means you don't like paper mills. Look at me, I never made the honor roll once and here I am writing this blog. Can you beat that for success?

Finally, find another liberal to play with. You will both find a way to lose. That aught to be a lot of fun. Just don't go to Vegas to play because ironically, all the risk takers are conservatives.

Oh gee, I didn't mean for this to turn political. I'll sure be glad when this presidential election is over.

Committed to crazy advice,


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Mr. O Asks Rod How He is Doing

Mr. O wrote:

Dear Rod,

How are you doing? Ooops, I meant to say, "How am I doing?" What I mean is, how do you think I'm doing with this year's presidential campaign? Did I spell "campaign" right? Well, anyway, I think you probably noticed how I got everybody's attention off the poor economy by making a big deal out of the killing of that black boy in Florida by that white guy. Well, he's white enough since he is hispanic. Boy, all the mainstream media jumped all over that and so did some congressmen and congresswomen. Folks will forget all about Obammycare and the poor economy.

Besides all that, the government is sending checks to 40% of Americans. That's 40% of the people that I can count on to vote for me. Pretty slick, don't you think? I might be able to win this election without buying your endorsement.

So, if the mic isn't on, I just want to say one thing..... screw you and your endorsement.

Sincerely (I think)

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O,

Thanks for writing once again.

Yes, I do think you will get 40% of the vote, but unless you have forgotten, it still takes around 50% to win an election. I am just wondering, are you as concerned about white boys who get murdered by black boys at you are about a black kid getting murdered (and there has been no trial) by someone you think is "white enough?" What ever happened to equality and justice for all? I think you need to know that there are still a lot of Americans who are color blind and believe in equal opportunity and equal justice. Creating a racial crisis is not a way to win an election. Were you an eye witness to the incident in Florida?

Secondly, after the above mentioned incident, the Obammycare fiasco, and the things that were said when you thought the mic was turned off, you couldn't raise enough money to buy my endorsement, which you will badly need to even come close in this election. Remember, Mr. O, all those people receiving free money are going to want a raise or they just might turn on you. It's funny how greed changes people. And where will you get that money. Oh ya, I forgot that you have printing presses.

Well, good luck! November is coming sooner than you realize. Do you want some real crazy advice? Quit before you fall further behind. This could be really embarrassing.

So, how am I doing? Fine. How are you doing? Not so fine.

Sincerely (for sure)