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Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Bernice wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husbands favorite thing to do with his free time is go to a coffee shop. It seems we can never figure anything else out to do. I am so tired of seeing the inside of a Starbucks that I could absolutely puke. Yet, I end up going along with him because he can't seem to think of anything else to do. And do you know what our Starbucks bill is? No wonder their stock is doing so well. I feel like we are supporting them all by ourselves.

Do you have any advice?

Dear Bernice,

Oh no! What a bummer! Your husband is addicted to coffee. I think you need to have him committed to a twelve step program. I just don't get it, all these people throwing their lives away drinking coffee. What a shame?

Oh ya, you wanted advice. Well here it is. Force yourself to learn to like lattes and frapaccinos (or however you spell it). Then buy some Starbucks stock and sit back and buy yourself rich. Who knows, maybe you will open your own Starbucks someday. Then you will be glad for all those slugs who are addicted to coffee.

Perhaps you could invent Starbucks coffee flavored soft serve ice cream. I can't understand why nobody has done that yet. Perhaps you could do that, then walk around town with one of those little ice cream carts. You'll be getting kids started on coffee early which is good for future business at your store.

Just think, one day you will be able to stand in front of a group and say, "My name is Bernice and I am a coffeeholic." Everybody will applaud.

Write me when your husband is cured,

Committed to crazy advice,


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