Sunday, April 8, 2012
Mr. Mitts is on a Roll
Mr. Mitts wrote:
I want to thank you for all your previous advice. As you can see, it has all paid off. I'm on a roll now and will soon have the nomination. This just shows that being a good guy and spending millions does pay off. But I am wondering why you never advised me to give a speech while holding a cute little puppy.
Anyway, is there any advice you can give me now as I prepare to run against Mr. O?
Dear Mr. Mitts,
Thanks for the compliments.
First of all you have to show the American people that Mr. O is more out of touch with their needs than you are. No more mentioning the two Cadillacs your wife drives, even if they are American made. Remember that the rest of us don't have even one Cadillac. And please don't say anything about the elevator being built for you car at your mansion in California. Those of us who have elevators live in apartment buildings.... not mansions.
You have to focus on denouncing Mittscare as one of your biggest mistakes. If you don't, how can you denounce Obamycare?
You have to focus on jobs. It's been so long that some Americans have had one that they might not know what you are talking about. They need to be reminded that its not a government check for watching TV.
You have to focus on cheaper gas so folks can drive their Focus. I thought that was a nice play on words. It should never cost $50 to fill a Focus. And, yes, supply and demand does work here. We produce more of our own and the Saudis will lower their price. It's funny how they understand the free market system better than we do. Don't forget your slogan, "a Cadillac in every garage, and a gallon of gas in every tank!"
Stop the presses! I mean, let's quit printing bogus money that makes everything cost more. Nobody likes being paid with funny money.... not even the Chinese.
As far as making a speech with a cute puppy goes, I was saving that for your presidential run. But I have been somewhat Stymied, I have been searching for a dog that matches your personality and have had a really hard time since it appears that you have no personality. I wish that just once you'd get a little excited about something. You don't have to look presidential all the time. But you don't have to sound like Howard Dean, either.
One more thing..... don't forget about my endorsement fee. Remember that Mr. Sanitation isn't dead in the water yet.
Write me again when you are president. I will be glad to be your press secretary.
Committed to crazy advice,