Bunny's a Hunny

Bunny wrote:

Dear Rod,

I just wanted to write you and thank you for being such a good patient. To be honest with you, most of my patients are non-compliant and I feel that there are times I am wasting my time and theirs. I think the biggest problem is that I make them hurt. I don't think that they get it. Making them hurt is my job. You know the saying, "No pain, No gain!" Well that is almost always true. And I know I hurt you really bad sometimes. :-)

You know, to get those legs straight I have to sit on your knees while extended. Although you screamed a few times, you never stopped me from doing it, and I got your legs straight, too. Every time you screamed, I knew I was doing my job. Bending those stiff legs was equally as exciting. Oh, I know it hurts to bend them, but just look at you..... walking around normal, doing stairways, and now driving. I'm proud of you, but I'm even more proud of the job I've done for you.

But I'm wondering, do you have any advice for me?

Your therapist,

Bunny

Dear Bunny,

Thanks for writing and thanks for the compliments. You really should be proud of yourself. You came up with new and innovative types of torture at each visit. Yes, I know it was for my own good, but I wish I didn't have to dream about it. I'm thankful to you for all the "pain to gain."

As far as advice goes, gee, I don't know if I can come up with better torture methods or not. Maybe to get full extension on my knees you should have had me sit on a chair and extend my legs and set my feet on a table. Then you could stand on the table and jump on each knee with both feet. Since tearing tissue was the object I'm sure that would have torn the tissue. It all would have been over in a moment rather than the long, drawn out process you used. Mind you, now, I'm not complaining....just advising. To make the experience a little more pleasant you could wear a wicked smile as you do it.

Also, I think you should apply for a job at Gitmo. You'd have those prisoners talking in no time. I really don't know why our government officials haven't figured this out by now. This would beat water boarding any day.

All in all though, I want to thank you for your kind words and harsh treatment. Already I feel like a real Marine. I wear the scars on both knees as a badge of honor, or at least a badge of bravery.

Wishing you the best,

Rod

Sally Is Confused

Sally wrote:

Dear Rod,

This is an election year and I usually take voting very seriously. I know for sure I don't want Mr. O back in the White House, but I am having a very hard time making up my mind on the Republican candidate. It seems to me like I don't really like any of them very much. One day I think I will vote for Mr. Mitts. Then the next day I think I'll vote for Mr. Sanitation. I didn't used to like Mr. Ginko, but now he seems the best of the lot. I do know I won't vote for Mr. Pull. The problem is that I think a candidate will be good.... then he does something stupid. Perhaps you could give me some really stupid advice and I'll go with that.

Dear Sally,

First of all, I don't give stupid advice, and I certainly don't give really stupid advice. I specialize in crazy advice, which often works.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be a net tax payer, or do you want to be a net tax receiver. What I mean is, a net tax payer is someone who pays his way by actually having a job and bettering himself as time goes on. A net tax receiver is someone who is satisfied with entitlements, welfare, medicade, and all else the government can pay you.

If you want to be prosperous and be a net tax payer you need to vote for anyone of those Republican candidates you don't like. If you want to live on welfare, vote for Mr. O.

But remember this, under the direction of Mr. O even the welfare money will run out.

Hope I've helped,

Rod

Mr. Sanitation Complains

Dear Rod,

As you know me and Mr. Mitts are in a virtual tie for the Republican nomination. In Michigan I had a substantial lead until Mr. Mitts started running his negative campaign ads. Every time he runs those ads I lose ground. I just wish he would run a clean campaign. Besides, I don't see how he can complain about me and criticize me when he has Mitts Care on his record. Everyone knows he is uniquely unqualified to be president. What do you think I should do?

Needing your advice,

Mr. Sanitation

Dear Mr. Sanitation,

It seems to me that you are not so clean yourself. All that jibberish the other day about voting against your conscience in order to "take one for the team." That just seemed a little weak to me. I think that you also need to come up with a financial plan. A flat statement about cutting taxes really doesn't say much. My question is, how are you going to cut taxes?

Since you have been making religious beliefs your main platform, you could get really down and dirty by asking Americans, "Do we really want a Mormon in the White House?" After all, everyone knows that that Catholics are better than Mormons. All the Mormons have is the "Tabernacle Choir." Catholics have the pope. No brainer here. But be careful, because the Catholic Americans may support just might be Mr. Ginko. Actually, I think your best chance at the White House is to turn this election into a modern day "Inquisition." I think you really need to muddle the line of separation of church and state.

In all seriousness, I think you need to brace yourself for the long haul and quit complaining. Who wants a complainer for president. Not many, since we already have one. Don't be a whiner; it reminds me too much of Mr. O. And by the way, you are not running against Mr. Mitts, your real foe is Mr. O. Stand up and take leadership and tell us how you will lead our country out of the mess it is in. Give us the plan, man.

Hope I hurt your feelings,

Rod

Mr. Mitts Blunders

Dear Mr. Mitts,

I know you are not asking for some crazy advice right now but I thought I would give you some anyway. As I see it you are self destructing. you made a really big bonehead blunder. I think that somehow it was a mistake to go to Michigan and tell all those good people who happen to be unemployed that your wife drives two Cadillacs. I mean, don't you get it? Most people can't afford to drive one Cadillac. Heck, in Michigan they are probably taking the bus.

Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on how the real world lives? Has your wealth blinded you to the life style of "Joe the Plumber?"

Perhaps your new slogan should be "Caviar in every fridge and a new Cadillac in every garage!"

Committed to Crazy Advice,

Rod

Mrs. Pallid Seeks Rod's Advice

Mrs. Pallid wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am not a candidate running for president, which presents a real problem since I really do want to be president. I'm not sure how things have come down this way. I thought by now that Republicans everywhere would be clamoring for me to become a candidate. I mean, don't I really have everything they would want in a candidate? I'm a conservative, I was a governor, I embraced the tea party, I was a vice presidential candidate, and I know how to fish and shoot a gun. It's hard for me to think that everyone has actually forgotten about me.

I see that you've given some really crazy advice to several people that has actually worked. Isn't that the way it usually goes....the crazy stuff always works. Well, that's why I'm writing you. Could you give me some advice as to how I can become president even though I'm not a candidate. Ugh, this is weird.

Sincerely,

Sara Pallid

Dear Mrs. Pallid,

I was actually wondering when I was going to hear from you. I knew it was just a matter of time. I knew you couldn't stand being on the outside of things, but, yet, you didn't want to be a candidate because you didn't want to be involved in the debates and be the subject of a smear campaign. Actually, that was a pretty smart move. And, yes, I do have some crazy advice for you.

First of all, keep backing Mr. Ginko. He will never be nominated but he can get enough delegates to prevent Mr. Mitts from being nominated.

Secondly, Show up at the GOP convention looking really pretty and innocent. And wear a sign on your back that says "Draft Sara Pallid."

Thirdly, make it known that your husband, Toad, would be your running mate. He is definitely a Washington outsider.

Fourthly, Promise all your big donors you will take them on an Alaskan hunting trip.

Fifthly, adopt the slogan "A moose steak in every freezer, and a gallon of gas in every tank." Promise them that the gas will come from pure Alaskan crude oil.

Finally, pose for photographs with an Alaskan malamute. Promote him as alternate energy.

If all fails, you could start a dogsled factory and become president of that.

Write me in a couple of weeks and let me know how things are working out for you.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mr. Pull Wants to Be Spoiler

Mr. Pull wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know I am a candidate for the Republican nomination for president. Everyone knows that I'm not serious. Heck, even I know I'm not serious. I just enjoy calling the other candidates fakes, and cutting into their votes so they cannot be nominated. I've never had so much fun. It's a good thing that my supporters don't realize that I'm wasting their money. But, hey, what's wrong with taking a few delegates to the convention?

I was wondering if you have any creative ways for me to bring the other candidates down. If you do, I could sure use your advice.

Also, I was wondering if getting your endorsement would help me to accomplish my goals. I just happen to have a few $ million sitting around.

Sincerely,

Mr. Pull

Dear Mr. Pull,

You sure are nasty. But having said that, I am flattered that you are seeking my advice because you seem to be doing pretty well as a one man wrecking crew. I would give you my endorsement, but how can I be sure that someone as dishonest as you would actually pay. Oh, by dishonest, I mean that you should be running as an independent.... not a Republican because I have a hard time believing you actually are one.

So to make sure that none of the other candidates actually becomes president, I think you should run as an independent. Yes, sir! that would assure us of four more years of Obama. Everyone knows you are a Libertarian, which means all the young people who are too chicken to go to war to defend their country will vote for you.

You can promise big budget cuts because you close down the Department of Defense, because you are so certain that if we talk real nice to our enemies they will leave us alone.

What impresses me with you is that the real "fake" may be calling others a "fake."

Hope I've helped you feel ashamed of yourself.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mr. Ginko Smugly Seeks Rod's Advice

Mr. Ginko wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am seeking the Republican nomination for president. I had written you once before seeking your endorsement. I am the only one who is running a positive campaign, unlike the shmucks Mitts and Sanitation who keep picking on me. I am the only candidate who can bring us out of this economic downturn and promise $2.50 gasoline. I am also the only candidate with enough guts to bomb the heck out of Iran, Syria, and anyone else who thinks they can get and atomic bomb.

Also, I have great backers like Mrs. Palid, Mr. Whine, the great casino owner, and the Donald (you know who I mean). Even Herman Crane backs me. That is why I don't understand why I am polling last among the candidates. And I further don't understand why you have not endorsed me.

Do you have any ideas as to what I can do to revive my campaign?

Smugly yours,

Mr. ginko

Dear Mr. Ginko,

I understand your plight, though not sympathetically. Yet, I will give you some crazy advice that just might work.

First of all, I think you need to start signing your name with a capital "G". That will make you appear more educated.

Secondly, you might not be in this situation if you would have bought a cute little puppy and had been making your speeches while holding him. Americans might start thinking that you are human after all. But you need to do this soon because I think Mr. Mitts is buying a puppy tomorrow. Make sure yours is not a pit bull. Mr. Sanitation is not planning on buying a puppy and he should quickly slip to last place.

Thirdly, guarantee that gas will be $2.25 per gallon and a free car wash goes with every fill.

Fourthly, instead of promising to bomb Iran, promise the American people that Mr. Whine, together with the Donald will buy Iran. That way, their nuclear program will become our program and we can sell energy all over the middle east, with the proceeds cutting taxes here in the USA.

Finally, stop wasting your money on ads. What will really put you over the top is my endorsement which you can have for $1.5 million. I would charge the other candidates only $1 million, but for you it is $1.5 million because you are the only candidate that does not stand a chance without my endorsement. I think they call that the free enterprise system.

So, send me a picture of your puppy along with $1.5 million and we are in business.

Hope I have helped,

Rod

Mr. Mitts is Desperate

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you can see from all my interviews and TV commercials that I appear very calm, well spoken, assured and I appear very presidential. All through this campaign I have been the front runner. Then comes along this guy, Mr. Sanitation, who virtually came out of nowhere and is now the front runner in the polls because of his recent victories. To be honest with you (which I assure you is nothing new) I have become a little concerned. Well actually, I'm getting desperate. I've spent a lot of money on negative ads and he is still ahead of me in the polls. I grew up in Michigan, but Mr. Sanitation is leading even there. The primaries are next week and I'm getting worried.

I noticed that you gave Mr. Sanitation some advice that must have worked. Do you have some of that advice for me?

Also, I'm still waiting for your endorsement.

Truly desperate,

Mr. Mitts

Dear Mr. Mitts,

I am sorry to hear about your plight. It must be terrible knowing that you are a millionaire and still can't sleep at night. Who ever put the notion in your head to be president? Don't you know that people don't like millionaires and they don't like presidents, either. After all, we already have a president that the people don't like.

As for my endorsement, well, actually my feelings are a little hurt that you would spend millions of dollars on negative ads and all you would have had to is make me a millionaire and I would have endorsed you. You need to get with it man and do what works!

Here is what will work for you. 1) Buy my endorsement for $1 million. 2) Stop losing and start winning. 3) Leave Mr. Sanitation alone. 4) Campaign against Mr. O. who is whom you ultimately have to beat. 5) Use the word conservative three times in each sentence because people still don't believe you are one. You need to say stuff like: "I m a conservative, my father George was a conservative, my wife is a conservative and we are raising our children to be conservatives. I will be a conservative president, with both houses of congress as conservatives, who will pass conservative laws. Then say, I have the endorsement of Rod who writes "Rod's Crazy Advice." I guarantee you that that last sentence will do it for you.

My final word of advice is, Let Mr. O. beat himself. Between him and Mr. foot-in-the-mouth Biden this should be easy. Run commercials on what Mr. O said he would do and contrast that with what he says now. Americans will think that Mr O is twins who disagrees with himself. When it comes to the election they will expect two different Mr. Os to be on the ballot.

Oh, there is just one more thing. I advised Mr. Ginko to get a cute puppy and hold it while making a speech because everyone knows that Americans are dog lovers. Well, he didn't do it and he has slipped to last place. This is your big opportunity to get a puppy. Believe me, this will melt the hearts of all democrat voters.

Remember Mr. Mitts, that by helping me (getting my endorsement) you will be helping yourself. I think that's the way politics works.

Committed to Crazy advice,

Rod

Art Seeks Rod's Advice

Art Wrote:

Dear Rod,

Please call me Art as I have a bad case of arthuritis in both knees (notice my play on words). And since you have had double knee replacement I thought I might find out how your experience went and whether you have any advice for me.

Art

Dear Art,

Yes, I noticed your play on words (sick), and yes I have some advise for you (sick). But I hope you realize that nowhere near my name do the terms (Dr., or MD) exist. There are several phases involved in this surgery.

First of all, don't try to perform this surgery on yourself. Sure, you might save yourself over $100,000, but I'm afraid that by looking through a mirror to do this you might get your knees glued on sideways.

Phase One: In this phase you will get a CT scan to measure your knees so the proper parts can be made (hope you have good insurance). You will be sent home with a list of physical therapy to do before surgery. If you cheat on the PT you will be cheating yourself at recovery. Phase one also includes the pre-op physical. They want to make sure your heart will keep beating while they have your legs sawed off. Also, during phase one you will start to have crazy dreams about the operation and the post surgery therapy.

Phase Two: is the surgery itself. The last thing you will remember is the nurse putting the drip in your arm and raising the sides on your bed so you don't fall out while being pushed down the hall for surgery. The next thing you will remember is waking up in your hospital room with two machines attached to your legs exercising them. There will be a constant line of people coming and going doing various things for you. You may be experiencing a certain amount of pain. While you are still delusional a nurse will explain to you how to self medicate and will show you where the menu is. A nice juicy burger might sound good, but you'll probably settle for a half a bagel.

Phase Three: While in the hospital you will spend about 8 hours a day on the exercise machine, you'll pee into a catheter, you'll drift in and out of sleep. The day after surgery they will try to get you on your feet and coax you to take a few steps, then sit you in a chair. My first day I stood. The second day, I stood, walked a few steps and sat in a chair. The third day, I walked up and down the hall with a walker, and went up and down some steps. The Dr. got the report, came to my room and said, "you're going home."

Phase Four: That's where I am now. Each week since surgery I've had a physical therapist come to the house three times a week for a 30 minute session. The therapist teaches certain practical functions. She also tortures me for 30 minutes and teaches me how to torture myself. I have a certain chair where I do many of the exercises, I call it the "chair of suffering." But make no mistake, no pain, no gain. In this phase I also lost a lot of water weight and body weight. I'm down 23 pounds from the time I left the hospital. You'll be standing in front of the toilet about every hour on the hour, every night, the first week you are home. You'll sleep whenever you can.

So, Art, getting new knees of titanium is not at all like getting buns of steel. But, hey, three weeks after surgery I'm walking over three miles a day, I couldn't do that before surgery.

Hope my story has helped you, Art.

Rod

Mr. O Pleads for Help

Dear Rod,

As you know, I have written you before seeking your endorsement for my re-election. Back then my popularity was sagging and now it is sagging even more. I was getting pretty worried about Mr. Ginko and Mr. Mitts. I had no idea that Mr. Sanitation would surge the way he has. I see the advice that you gave Mr. Sanitation actually worked. I think you advised him to quit losing and start winning. As you can see, he has been winning as of late.

I haven't yet threatened to have you audited by the IRS, but I am getting really close seeing that you have not yet endorsed me. Frankly, I'm losing patience with you. So, I demand that you endorse me and give me some other crazy advice that will advance my campaign.

Sincerely,

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O,

I am happy to see that you are your usual self. But in spite of that I do have some advice for you that should surely help you.

First of all, I think you should continue your policy of preventing and hindering domestic oil and gas production. Everybody knows that the thousands of jobs domestic oil production would create are actually "dirty jobs." Americans really don't want dirty jobs, especially the unemployed. Related to this gas prices will go up and most Americans really like this. There is nothing more satisfying than bragging to your friend how much you paid for gas. One friend will say, "I paid $4.75 per gallon for gas." His friend will say, "That's nothing, I paid $4.85." Now what can be more satisfying than that?

Secondly, keep up your policies of requiring churches to pay for abortions. This creates heated arguments in churches and forces people to pay for something they don't believe in. Once again, how satisfying it is to have something so controversial to argue over.

Thirdly, keep supporting the "occupy Wall Street" movement. Citizens love to see their government buildings burned, and like it even more when successful businesses are destroyed. It is important to have more and more people hit the streets and hold more and more riots.

Fourthly, treat Iran with kid gloves, but get really tough with Israel. After all, American citizens love living under the threat of nuclear weapons.

As to my endorsement, I will only endorse a true American. Through your actions you have shown me that you are embarrassed over the USA. So, as you keep apologizing for the USA, I will keep apologizing for you.

Sorry, Mr. O. But no endorsement this time around.

Committed to Crazy Advice,

Rod

Puppy Lovers

Sharon wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm a fourteen year old girl and I have my first boyfriend whose name is Sam, I call him Sammie. I like him a lot, in fact, I think I love him.....he's so cute. The other girls at school envy me. But to be honest, having a boy friend isn't turning out the way I thought it would. I mean, I don't think Sammie loves me the same way that it love him, and he doesn't do all the things that I think a boyfriend should do.

For example, like on Valentine's Day, I thought he should have brought me twelve red roses, a box of chocolates, and a nice card. Then he should have taken me out to eat at a nice restaurant. But all I got was a silly little card like what sixth graders give out. I was so disappointed.

Another example is, well, like, he never opens doors for me, or let's me go ahead of him in the cafeteria line. Also, he doesn't like to hold hands as much as I do.

I need some really crazy advice cause all I ever hear my mom say is "Drop him, he's a loser!"

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

What makes you think that all of a sudden, I am a counsellor? I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. You should know better than to write me, because, in the real world no one can really figure out a teenager.....let alone, two of them. But since you asked....

What you have is a real case of "Puppy Love!" what I mean is, you love puppies. You like cute and cuddly puppies that jump up on your lap and lick your face. Puppies are a little different than boys are, though. The reason you got no Valentine's gifts is because your boyfriend, Sammie, has no money. And why do you call him "Sammie?" And the reason he doesn't open doors for you is because boys don't do that any more and because he is a loser. Actually, most boys are losers.

So here is what you should do: Drop him so you can get better grades in school.

Hope I've helped.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Hiatus

Gene Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have noticed that you have taken a hiatus from giving crazy advice. I was wondering if it is because people have quit writing you, or if you have run short on crazy advice. I miss reading your blog so I hope that there are some people with serious problems to whom you can give your worthless advice.

Your faithful reader,

Gene

Dear Gene,

You must be sicker than I am, and that's hard to do considering I just had both legs chopped off and glued back on. Anyone who hopes someone else has serious problems just so he can be entertained, is weird. But, nonetheless, thanks for the compliment. Do you really think I'm good at screwing up someone else's life?

But here's the truth of the matter. I really did have surgery and have been taking medication, which impairs my already impaired ability to think. I was afraid that my advice at this time might not just be crazy, but psycho-crazy. I didn't want people to think I am a nut and I certainly didn't want to end up in one of Mr. Obama's government run hospitals..... I think they call them Gitmo. And as sick as you are, I certainly didn't want to run into you there.

So, while I am recovering I may be a little slow at screwing up other's lives. But, hey, I'll soon be back to normal.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Hell Week

Gilbert Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I know I will get into trouble for writing you, but I really needed to confide in someone smart enough to give me some crazy advice.

My brother, Larry, was in the Navy and endeavored to join the SEALS. About all he ever talks about is "hell week" and that anyone who have never gone through "hell week" really doesn't know what suffering is. Larry, himself, never made it all the way through "hell week" but likes to allude to that as though his being there makes him a better man others. I love my brother, but I am plain tired of hearing the "hell week" stuff. Do you have any crazy advice that might shut him up?

Sincerely,

Gilbert

Dear Gilbert,

It sounds to me like you have a real problem, because your brother, Larry, will always claim to be better than you because of "hell week." Of course he doesn't really know what "hell week" is all about since he never made it through. But you do have some options.

First of all, convince a surgeon to give you a double knee replacement operation. The first seven days following that is truly "hell week." Once they chop your old knees out and glue in titanium and plastic parts they then put you on this machine that bends your legs in directions they no longer want to go on their own. They leave you on this machine for hours and give you enough pain killer to keep you from passing out with the pain. Your body craves sleep but you are in too much pain to do so. If you accidentally fall asleep, they send someone in to take your blood pressure, temperature, pulse. If you still fall asleep they send housekeeping to knock on your door. They have an endless line of people outside your door ready to keep you awake whenever needed. Then they shut off the machine so your legs can stiffen up real nice. Then they come in and crank on the machine so that on the pain scale of 1-10 you are now experience a 15.

Then it is time to get you on your feet. The day after they chop off both your knees they send someone into your room to make you get on your feet. Once again you experience a 15. The next day they have you walking and they are threatening to send you to a nursing home for rehab. But at just the last minute you find the strength to walk down the hall while firmly gripping your walker. A few minutes later the Dr. walks into your room and says, "there's a snowstorm outside, so we are sending you home."

Once you are home they send people to to your house to poke you and steal your blood. They send someone to stretch your legs in very hurtful positions. They show you how to freeze yourself with ice packs. They also show you other methods of self torture. You must get out of bed every hour to pee (this helps prevent sleep).

By the end of this first week, Gilbert, you will really know what "hell week" is. The nice thing is that you made it through and your brother, Larry, failed. Now you have all the bragging rights.

To rub it in, you can tell Larry, "You couldn't even make it through hell week at the Navy seals program."

And guess what, Gilbert? Your new knees should last you at least another twenty years.

Write and let me know how your personal "hell week" is going.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod