Mrs. Pallid Seeks Rod's Advice

Mrs. Pallid wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am not a candidate running for president, which presents a real problem since I really do want to be president. I'm not sure how things have come down this way. I thought by now that Republicans everywhere would be clamoring for me to become a candidate. I mean, don't I really have everything they would want in a candidate? I'm a conservative, I was a governor, I embraced the tea party, I was a vice presidential candidate, and I know how to fish and shoot a gun. It's hard for me to think that everyone has actually forgotten about me.

I see that you've given some really crazy advice to several people that has actually worked. Isn't that the way it usually goes....the crazy stuff always works. Well, that's why I'm writing you. Could you give me some advice as to how I can become president even though I'm not a candidate. Ugh, this is weird.

Sincerely,

Sara Pallid

Dear Mrs. Pallid,

I was actually wondering when I was going to hear from you. I knew it was just a matter of time. I knew you couldn't stand being on the outside of things, but, yet, you didn't want to be a candidate because you didn't want to be involved in the debates and be the subject of a smear campaign. Actually, that was a pretty smart move. And, yes, I do have some crazy advice for you.

First of all, keep backing Mr. Ginko. He will never be nominated but he can get enough delegates to prevent Mr. Mitts from being nominated.

Secondly, Show up at the GOP convention looking really pretty and innocent. And wear a sign on your back that says "Draft Sara Pallid."

Thirdly, make it known that your husband, Toad, would be your running mate. He is definitely a Washington outsider.

Fourthly, Promise all your big donors you will take them on an Alaskan hunting trip.

Fifthly, adopt the slogan "A moose steak in every freezer, and a gallon of gas in every tank." Promise them that the gas will come from pure Alaskan crude oil.

Finally, pose for photographs with an Alaskan malamute. Promote him as alternate energy.

If all fails, you could start a dogsled factory and become president of that.

Write me in a couple of weeks and let me know how things are working out for you.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod