Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Mr. O Pleads for Help
As you know, I have written you before seeking your endorsement for my re-election. Back then my popularity was sagging and now it is sagging even more. I was getting pretty worried about Mr. Ginko and Mr. Mitts. I had no idea that Mr. Sanitation would surge the way he has. I see the advice that you gave Mr. Sanitation actually worked. I think you advised him to quit losing and start winning. As you can see, he has been winning as of late.
I haven't yet threatened to have you audited by the IRS, but I am getting really close seeing that you have not yet endorsed me. Frankly, I'm losing patience with you. So, I demand that you endorse me and give me some other crazy advice that will advance my campaign.
Dear Mr. O,
I am happy to see that you are your usual self. But in spite of that I do have some advice for you that should surely help you.
First of all, I think you should continue your policy of preventing and hindering domestic oil and gas production. Everybody knows that the thousands of jobs domestic oil production would create are actually "dirty jobs." Americans really don't want dirty jobs, especially the unemployed. Related to this gas prices will go up and most Americans really like this. There is nothing more satisfying than bragging to your friend how much you paid for gas. One friend will say, "I paid $4.75 per gallon for gas." His friend will say, "That's nothing, I paid $4.85." Now what can be more satisfying than that?
Secondly, keep up your policies of requiring churches to pay for abortions. This creates heated arguments in churches and forces people to pay for something they don't believe in. Once again, how satisfying it is to have something so controversial to argue over.
Thirdly, keep supporting the "occupy Wall Street" movement. Citizens love to see their government buildings burned, and like it even more when successful businesses are destroyed. It is important to have more and more people hit the streets and hold more and more riots.
Fourthly, treat Iran with kid gloves, but get really tough with Israel. After all, American citizens love living under the threat of nuclear weapons.
As to my endorsement, I will only endorse a true American. Through your actions you have shown me that you are embarrassed over the USA. So, as you keep apologizing for the USA, I will keep apologizing for you.
Sorry, Mr. O. But no endorsement this time around.
Committed to Crazy Advice,