Mr. Ginko Smugly Seeks Rod's Advice

Mr. Ginko wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you know, I am seeking the Republican nomination for president. I had written you once before seeking your endorsement. I am the only one who is running a positive campaign, unlike the shmucks Mitts and Sanitation who keep picking on me. I am the only candidate who can bring us out of this economic downturn and promise $2.50 gasoline. I am also the only candidate with enough guts to bomb the heck out of Iran, Syria, and anyone else who thinks they can get and atomic bomb.

Also, I have great backers like Mrs. Palid, Mr. Whine, the great casino owner, and the Donald (you know who I mean). Even Herman Crane backs me. That is why I don't understand why I am polling last among the candidates. And I further don't understand why you have not endorsed me.

Do you have any ideas as to what I can do to revive my campaign?

Smugly yours,

Mr. ginko

Dear Mr. Ginko,

I understand your plight, though not sympathetically. Yet, I will give you some crazy advice that just might work.

First of all, I think you need to start signing your name with a capital "G". That will make you appear more educated.

Secondly, you might not be in this situation if you would have bought a cute little puppy and had been making your speeches while holding him. Americans might start thinking that you are human after all. But you need to do this soon because I think Mr. Mitts is buying a puppy tomorrow. Make sure yours is not a pit bull. Mr. Sanitation is not planning on buying a puppy and he should quickly slip to last place.

Thirdly, guarantee that gas will be $2.25 per gallon and a free car wash goes with every fill.

Fourthly, instead of promising to bomb Iran, promise the American people that Mr. Whine, together with the Donald will buy Iran. That way, their nuclear program will become our program and we can sell energy all over the middle east, with the proceeds cutting taxes here in the USA.

Finally, stop wasting your money on ads. What will really put you over the top is my endorsement which you can have for $1.5 million. I would charge the other candidates only $1 million, but for you it is $1.5 million because you are the only candidate that does not stand a chance without my endorsement. I think they call that the free enterprise system.

So, send me a picture of your puppy along with $1.5 million and we are in business.

Hope I have helped,

Rod