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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hell Week

Gilbert Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I know I will get into trouble for writing you, but I really needed to confide in someone smart enough to give me some crazy advice.

My brother, Larry, was in the Navy and endeavored to join the SEALS. About all he ever talks about is "hell week" and that anyone who have never gone through "hell week" really doesn't know what suffering is. Larry, himself, never made it all the way through "hell week" but likes to allude to that as though his being there makes him a better man others. I love my brother, but I am plain tired of hearing the "hell week" stuff. Do you have any crazy advice that might shut him up?



Dear Gilbert,

It sounds to me like you have a real problem, because your brother, Larry, will always claim to be better than you because of "hell week." Of course he doesn't really know what "hell week" is all about since he never made it through. But you do have some options.

First of all, convince a surgeon to give you a double knee replacement operation. The first seven days following that is truly "hell week." Once they chop your old knees out and glue in titanium and plastic parts they then put you on this machine that bends your legs in directions they no longer want to go on their own. They leave you on this machine for hours and give you enough pain killer to keep you from passing out with the pain. Your body craves sleep but you are in too much pain to do so. If you accidentally fall asleep, they send someone in to take your blood pressure, temperature, pulse. If you still fall asleep they send housekeeping to knock on your door. They have an endless line of people outside your door ready to keep you awake whenever needed. Then they shut off the machine so your legs can stiffen up real nice. Then they come in and crank on the machine so that on the pain scale of 1-10 you are now experience a 15.

Then it is time to get you on your feet. The day after they chop off both your knees they send someone into your room to make you get on your feet. Once again you experience a 15. The next day they have you walking and they are threatening to send you to a nursing home for rehab. But at just the last minute you find the strength to walk down the hall while firmly gripping your walker. A few minutes later the Dr. walks into your room and says, "there's a snowstorm outside, so we are sending you home."

Once you are home they send people to to your house to poke you and steal your blood. They send someone to stretch your legs in very hurtful positions. They show you how to freeze yourself with ice packs. They also show you other methods of self torture. You must get out of bed every hour to pee (this helps prevent sleep).

By the end of this first week, Gilbert, you will really know what "hell week" is. The nice thing is that you made it through and your brother, Larry, failed. Now you have all the bragging rights.
To rub it in, you can tell Larry, "You couldn't even make it through hell week at the Navy seals program."

And guess what, Gilbert? Your new knees should last you at least another twenty years.

Write and let me know how your personal "hell week" is going.

Committed to crazy advice,

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