Mr. Mitts is Desperate

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

As you can see from all my interviews and TV commercials that I appear very calm, well spoken, assured and I appear very presidential. All through this campaign I have been the front runner. Then comes along this guy, Mr. Sanitation, who virtually came out of nowhere and is now the front runner in the polls because of his recent victories. To be honest with you (which I assure you is nothing new) I have become a little concerned. Well actually, I'm getting desperate. I've spent a lot of money on negative ads and he is still ahead of me in the polls. I grew up in Michigan, but Mr. Sanitation is leading even there. The primaries are next week and I'm getting worried.

I noticed that you gave Mr. Sanitation some advice that must have worked. Do you have some of that advice for me?

Also, I'm still waiting for your endorsement.

Truly desperate,

Mr. Mitts

Dear Mr. Mitts,

I am sorry to hear about your plight. It must be terrible knowing that you are a millionaire and still can't sleep at night. Who ever put the notion in your head to be president? Don't you know that people don't like millionaires and they don't like presidents, either. After all, we already have a president that the people don't like.

As for my endorsement, well, actually my feelings are a little hurt that you would spend millions of dollars on negative ads and all you would have had to is make me a millionaire and I would have endorsed you. You need to get with it man and do what works!

Here is what will work for you. 1) Buy my endorsement for $1 million. 2) Stop losing and start winning. 3) Leave Mr. Sanitation alone. 4) Campaign against Mr. O. who is whom you ultimately have to beat. 5) Use the word conservative three times in each sentence because people still don't believe you are one. You need to say stuff like: "I m a conservative, my father George was a conservative, my wife is a conservative and we are raising our children to be conservatives. I will be a conservative president, with both houses of congress as conservatives, who will pass conservative laws. Then say, I have the endorsement of Rod who writes "Rod's Crazy Advice." I guarantee you that that last sentence will do it for you.

My final word of advice is, Let Mr. O. beat himself. Between him and Mr. foot-in-the-mouth Biden this should be easy. Run commercials on what Mr. O said he would do and contrast that with what he says now. Americans will think that Mr O is twins who disagrees with himself. When it comes to the election they will expect two different Mr. Os to be on the ballot.

Oh, there is just one more thing. I advised Mr. Ginko to get a cute puppy and hold it while making a speech because everyone knows that Americans are dog lovers. Well, he didn't do it and he has slipped to last place. This is your big opportunity to get a puppy. Believe me, this will melt the hearts of all democrat voters.

Remember Mr. Mitts, that by helping me (getting my endorsement) you will be helping yourself. I think that's the way politics works.

Committed to Crazy advice,

Rod