Dear Rod,
I have to keep this anonymous since I am a high profile figure. But I need some advice concerning my wife, Michelle. She has this thing with food. Everything in our house has to be organic and healthful. No snack foods in our house! No chips, no ice cream, no twinkies, and no little debbies. Her idea of a snack is a banana, or an orange, or something like that. Not only that, she won't let me smoke. She even goes out of town to seminars telling people what to eat. She just doesn't understand that a man just has to have a good junk food snack every now and then. Well, let me rephrase that.... every day. It's no wonder I'm so thin. The only time I can snack or smoke is when she's away at one of her wholesome food seminars.
I'm wondering, is there any advice you can give me?
Dear Anonymous,
I think your wife wrote me yesterday. Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? And yes, I have some advice.
First of all I want to say that I agree with you. It's hard to beat a good junk food snack. I've been eating them for years and haven't died from diabetes yet. After I doctored the scale, I don't weigh any more, either.
I think you are doing the right thing sneaking behind your wife's back eating junk food. But man, the cigs have to go.
You could have some secret service agents buy you junk food and relabel it as healthy. They could also relabel the bananas as artificially grown near some atomic plant.
Or, you could stand up and be a man and say "Wify dear, I'll have a little Debbie or a Kent if I want one." But you'd better have a good lawyer..... at least a better one than what went before the supreme court the other day because Michelle might think that a little Debbie is just another Monica Lewinski, and Kent might mean you are sexually disoriented.
Write me and let me know how it works out.
Committed to crazy advice,
Rod
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