Poofy Hair Hater

Samuel wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can help me because I think I have the "poofy hair jinx." It seems like every time I go to a public place, to church, a concert, a ball game, etc., I get stuck behind somebody with poofy hair. And sadly, it is not always women. Poof hair means that I can't see much besides their out of style, ridiculous looking hair.

The other day I went to church, sat with some friends, and wouldn't you know it that just before church started this lady sat down right in front of me with the poofiest hair I have ever seen, and for an hour and fifteen minutes that's all I could see. I got nothing out of the sermon because my frustration was building inside me.

This year, for the first time I got season tickets for the Nuggets. Season tickets, of course, means assigned seats. So I got to the game early to enjoy all the pre-game activities. But just as the game started, this guy with an afro sat down right in front of me, so I had to crane my neck the whole game to see the action, and I've been craning my neck ever since the first game.

The same thing happened to me the other day at a concert. I'm really frustrated and fed up. Do you have any advice for me?

Samuel (Sammy)

Dear Sammy,

Thanks for writing. You have a pretty unique situation, but I believe I have some great advice.

First of all, you don't have to go to the ball game because you can probably see it on TV. Not only that the refrigerator and the bathroom are closer by. The game is cheaper, and you get to see replays of the action four or five times. But if you still insist on going to the games, you should grow your own afro so that the guy behind you knows what you are going through.

As far as the concert is concerned, I don't know why you would want to go there and get stampeded anyway. Concert goers are really crazy people. That poofy hair in front of you is probably just a wig. I suggest you grab it and give it a good hard yank.

Now church could be a little more delicate situation because if you get up and move someplace else people get offended thinking you don't like them, and that is not very Christian. So what I would suggest is to bring a pair of sharp scissors and start hacking away. The lady in front of you is probably clapping her hands to the music, so she won't notice. Then quickly hide the scissors and act real innocent. I'm sure your friends sitting around you won't rat you out. They are your friends, aren't they?

Please write me and let me know how things have worked out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod