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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Sarah Wants Two Dogs.....Bill Doesn't

Bill Wrote:

Dear Rod,

We just bought a new house in a nice neighborhood. We love it but really maxed our finances to get it. We had no sooner moved in when Sarah, my wife, suggested we get a dog to make it feel like home. I said, "Sure, we can get a little terrier." She said, "No, I'd like a big dog like a great dane." I told her that I didn't know if it would be wise to have that large of a dog in the house. Then Sarah said, " I was actually thinking about two great danes. If we had only one he would be lonely when we are away to work."

I tried to protest bur Sarah only got mad at me. This is like our first big disagreement. I really need some crazy advice to get out of this one.

Needing help,

Dear Bill,

Why is it that as soon as people buy a new house they also want a new dog. And worse, why would they want two of those critters to take care of?

We bought a house and had it built in a new subdivision. We were the first on our street to move in. Well, pretty soon all the houses were built, about three hundred of them. The next thing I knew people were moving in all over the place and as soon as they moved in the bought a dog. Now we have what I call "Barking Dog Subdivision"

When I want to go out and sit on my deck to enjoy the shade, the dog next door starts barking, then the dog two doors down starts barking. Then a third dog joins in. All it is is "bark, bark, bark, arf, arf, woof, woof, bark, bark. Then an ambulance goes by and they all start to howl in unison.

But it gets worse than that. Friday nights people like to go out on the town. They go to eat, or go to the bars, or maybe to a ball game. But before they go they put their dogs out of the house so they can enjoy barking at the poor sap (that's me) who is out on his deck grilling hamburgers. The sad thing is, these people don't show up at home until midnight. So their dogs get a good session of tormenting their neighbor (me) who is the only guy not to go to the bar that night.

Let me ask you, Bill, how much to you value your neighbor? Would you like him to invite you over for a burger, or would you like him throwing burgers over the fence that might create some vet bills? You might think about that. And, don't ever think that your dog won't ever bark.

But, Bill, it gets even worse. Many of the dog owners are too lazy to pick up the poo. On a good hot day it kind of spoils the flavor of the hamburger grilled outside. Even the hot dogs taste worse and we already know what those are made of.

So now for the advice. Get a cute little house dog that doesn't like being outside, has very little poo to pick, and barks like crazy when a stranger comes close to the house. And guess what? You'll save money on dog food, he'll fit in the car better, and your neighbors will invite you for a cookout.

So tell Sara, if she wants two great danes that she can feed them, pick up after them, walk them, and pay their vet bills. Also, let her know that her neighbor won't like her. I think she might like a toy terrier after all.

Committed to crazy advice,


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