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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Lenny's Dog Problem

Lenny wrote:

Dear Rod,
My wife, Sarah, and I have been married a couple of years and we live in this small apartment with our golden retriever, Duke. Sarah is mad because Duke sheds hair all over the house and his long swishy tail keeps knocking things over. Also, Duke has a lot of accidents in the house because he doesn't like going out in the cold to do his thing. Sarah threatened to leave me if I don't get rid of Duke. What shall I do?

Well, duh! Lenny. I'm surprised you are even writing me about this. A guy with a half a brain could figure this out. Everybody knows that a dog is man's best friend and that one dog is worth two wives. Since you live in an apartment building you can't keep the dog outside. Why the Humane Society would be by in no time wanting to take poor Duke away from you.

But there is away to keep both your dog and your wife. First of all when your wife is away at work, take the garbage out during TV commercials. Women go soft on husbands who take the garbage out. Then shave your dog. He might look like a new breed but at least there won't be hair all over the house. Lenny, you ever heard of docking the tail? They do that to cocker spaniels all the time because their tails are so ugly. Well, it is a nice term for chopping the tail off. Lenny, the dog's tail has to go!

Then you need to train Duke concerning his potty habits. Since you live in an apartment building, you don't want to be running down three flights of stairs every time he scratches at the door. And I'm sure they don't want Duke crapping on the lawn. It gets messy when the mower runs over it. So you gotta train Duke to use the toilet. Retrievers are smart so that shouldn't be too hard..... after all, look at the way Duke has manipulated you so far.

When you take Duke for a walk just tell the neighbors he's a new breed. They will understand. And I'm sure that Duke will understand that you are just trying to save your marriage.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

If anyone else would like some advice, just leave a question or comment below.

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