Conniving Granddaughter

Frank wrote:

Dear Rod,

I'm surprised at myself for writing to you for advice. But I do have a problem that just might warrant some advice from a guy as crazy as you, and, man, you are crazy!

Anyway, I have this granddaughter who is the sweetest and cutest little girl I've ever seen. Well, actually she's not so little now but she sure is cute. Maybe "cute" isn't the right word. She's just a good looking girl. She's fourteen now and a real conniver. She gives me the sweetest hugs and knows how to sweet talk me to get what she wants. I know exactly what she's doing, but I fall for it every time. Well, the other day she went a little too far, and I still fell for it.

When she came to my house she gave me a peck on the cheek, a big squeeze, and started telling me how much she loves her old grandpa. The hug and squeeze were okay, but I didn't like the "old grandpa part." Anyway, I knew something was up so I asked her, "What's up?" She said, "Oh, nothing." I said, "What do you mean, O, nothing." She said, "O, nothing." I said, "It doesn't sound like nothing." She said, "Since you asked." Well, at that very moment I regretted asking.

Then she said, "You know that I'll be turning 15 in a couple of months and I'll be able to get my driver's permit. (At this point she sat on my lap and put her arm around my neck) Then she said, "Dad and Mom won't buy me a car. I was wondering if for my birthday you could help me with a down payment on a car, Grandpa?" Like an idiot I said, "How much?" Like an angel she said, "Only $5,000." Like a fish that was hooked and half out of the water I said, "OK."

The problem is that grandma is not so sweet toward me now. Rod, I'm in real trouble, what should I do?

Dear Frank,

I also am surprised that you are seeking my advice. But this just proves that you are no different than dozens of other idiots. I can see you are caught between a rock and a hard place, but I also believe there are some easy answers.

First of all, you are lucky to have such a sweet granddaughter who knows how to get what she wants. You are building a relationship with her that will last for many years to come. That may be a very expensive relationship but I am sure you will keep getting sweet hugs as long as your money holds out.

Ask yourself who will be there to care for you in your old age? I guarantee you it will not be grandma if you keep giving your savings to your granddaughter. I also doubt that it will be your sweet little granddaughter because she most likely will drive that shiny new car you bought her to another state where she goes to college and gets married. Your other grandkids won't take care of you either because they will hate you for not buying them a car.

Face it Frank, you are a loser. You should have been able to figure this out on your own. But here is how you win. Tell your granddaughter "Sorry, but I can't afford it after all." Grandma will be relieved and the other grandkids will stop resenting you. Then buy each of your grandkids an ipod and get grandma an ipad. Then take them all to the Dairy Queen.

Hope I've helped.

Rod