Thursday, January 19, 2012
Mr. Sanitation Wants My Endorsement
Mr. Sanitation wrote:
If you have paid any attention to the news you must know by now that I am running for President. We must beat Mr. O in November, and I believe that I am just the candidate to do it. The trouble is that I'm polling fourth in NC behind Mr. Mitts and Mr. Ginko. I'm even running behind Mr. Pull. I think I would have a chance if I could just finish ahead of Mr. Pull. I know the other candidates have asked for your sick advice and your endorsement, and they are ahead of me, so it must be working.
Since your blog is read everywhere now I believe you have great influence, so it would be of utmost importance for me to get your endorsement and some real crazy advice. What should I do?
Dear Mr. Sanitation:
First of all, I think it would be important for you to stop losing elections. I mean, man, you got blown out in Pennsylvania, the state named after the famous William Penn. If you can stop losing you will start winning. So try winning for a change.
Secondly, The two leading candidates have been involved in a scandal. Why Mr. Mitts has money in the bank in the Caymans. Everybody knows that if you have money in the Caymans, you must be a crook, or at least be rich. And look at him! He's leading the polls. Now Mr. Ginko is another story. Did you know that he has had three wives and the woman he's living with now is actually his wife? He's right up there with Mr. Mitts. The point is, people like a good scandal.
You need to contact CBS and pay them to start a scandal on you. That way your name will become a household word. Probably a word I can't mention here..... but a word.
Thirdly, you have to ask Mr. Pull to be your running mate. Mr. Pull wants to fire the military and stop all taxation. Lot's of people like that. Then you will automatically come in ahead of Mr. Pull and that will give you the break you are looking for.
Fourthly, yes, my endorsement would go a long way. But my endorsement is in high demand and as I said before, I am very principled about who I give my endorsement to. Right now I think I'm leaning toward the first candidate to make me a millionaire. I've never known what its like to hide money in the Caymans.
Actually, Mr. Sanitation, the advice is so crazy and effective that I'm not sure why I'm not charging you for it. Hey, that's a good idea for your first scandal: "Mr. Sanitation Refuses to Pay Campaign Advisor!" I'll call CBS tomorrow.
Good luck on Saturday,
Your Crazy Advisor,