Coffeeholic

Bernice wrote:

Dear Rod,

My husbands favorite thing to do with his free time is go to a coffee shop. It seems we can never figure anything else out to do. I am so tired of seeing the inside of a Starbucks that I could absolutely puke. Yet, I end up going along with him because he can't seem to think of anything else to do. And do you know what our Starbucks bill is? No wonder their stock is doing so well. I feel like we are supporting them all by ourselves.

Do you have any advice?

Dear Bernice,

Oh no! What a bummer! Your husband is addicted to coffee. I think you need to have him committed to a twelve step program. I just don't get it, all these people throwing their lives away drinking coffee. What a shame?

Oh ya, you wanted advice. Well here it is. Force yourself to learn to like lattes and frapaccinos (or however you spell it). Then buy some Starbucks stock and sit back and buy yourself rich. Who knows, maybe you will open your own Starbucks someday. Then you will be glad for all those slugs who are addicted to coffee.

Perhaps you could invent Starbucks coffee flavored soft serve ice cream. I can't understand why nobody has done that yet. Perhaps you could do that, then walk around town with one of those little ice cream carts. You'll be getting kids started on coffee early which is good for future business at your store.

Just think, one day you will be able to stand in front of a group and say, "My name is Bernice and I am a coffeeholic." Everybody will applaud.

Write me when your husband is cured,

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mr. Mitts is on a Roll

Mr. Mitts wrote:

Dear Rod,

I want to thank you for all your previous advice. As you can see, it has all paid off. I'm on a roll now and will soon have the nomination. This just shows that being a good guy and spending millions does pay off. But I am wondering why you never advised me to give a speech while holding a cute little puppy.

Anyway, is there any advice you can give me now as I prepare to run against Mr. O?

Dear Mr. Mitts,

Thanks for the compliments.

First of all you have to show the American people that Mr. O is more out of touch with their needs than you are. No more mentioning the two Cadillacs your wife drives, even if they are American made. Remember that the rest of us don't have even one Cadillac. And please don't say anything about the elevator being built for you car at your mansion in California. Those of us who have elevators live in apartment buildings.... not mansions.

You have to focus on denouncing Mittscare as one of your biggest mistakes. If you don't, how can you denounce Obamycare?

You have to focus on jobs. It's been so long that some Americans have had one that they might not know what you are talking about. They need to be reminded that its not a government check for watching TV.

You have to focus on cheaper gas so folks can drive their Focus. I thought that was a nice play on words. It should never cost $50 to fill a Focus. And, yes, supply and demand does work here. We produce more of our own and the Saudis will lower their price. It's funny how they understand the free market system better than we do. Don't forget your slogan, "a Cadillac in every garage, and a gallon of gas in every tank!"

Stop the presses! I mean, let's quit printing bogus money that makes everything cost more. Nobody likes being paid with funny money.... not even the Chinese.

As far as making a speech with a cute puppy goes, I was saving that for your presidential run. But I have been somewhat Stymied, I have been searching for a dog that matches your personality and have had a really hard time since it appears that you have no personality. I wish that just once you'd get a little excited about something. You don't have to look presidential all the time. But you don't have to sound like Howard Dean, either.

One more thing..... don't forget about my endorsement fee. Remember that Mr. Sanitation isn't dead in the water yet.

Write me again when you are president. I will be glad to be your press secretary.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Michelle's Husband Complains

Husband wrote:

Dear Rod,

I have to keep this anonymous since I am a high profile figure. But I need some advice concerning my wife, Michelle. She has this thing with food. Everything in our house has to be organic and healthful. No snack foods in our house! No chips, no ice cream, no twinkies, and no little debbies. Her idea of a snack is a banana, or an orange, or something like that. Not only that, she won't let me smoke. She even goes out of town to seminars telling people what to eat. She just doesn't understand that a man just has to have a good junk food snack every now and then. Well, let me rephrase that.... every day. It's no wonder I'm so thin. The only time I can snack or smoke is when she's away at one of her wholesome food seminars.

I'm wondering, is there any advice you can give me?

Dear Anonymous,

I think your wife wrote me yesterday. Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? And yes, I have some advice.

First of all I want to say that I agree with you. It's hard to beat a good junk food snack. I've been eating them for years and haven't died from diabetes yet. After I doctored the scale, I don't weigh any more, either.

I think you are doing the right thing sneaking behind your wife's back eating junk food. But man, the cigs have to go.

You could have some secret service agents buy you junk food and relabel it as healthy. They could also relabel the bananas as artificially grown near some atomic plant.

Or, you could stand up and be a man and say "Wify dear, I'll have a little Debbie or a Kent if I want one." But you'd better have a good lawyer..... at least a better one than what went before the supreme court the other day because Michelle might think that a little Debbie is just another Monica Lewinski, and Kent might mean you are sexually disoriented.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Michelle Complains About Her Husband

Dear Rod

I know I'm taking a big change writing you, but right now I'm really desperate. I have a lot of issues with my husband. For one, he's always talking politics. Then he goes to one political meeting after another. Sometimes he even flies out of town for these meetings. He has a habit of distorting the truth, he's always negative, a lot of his friends have abandoned him, and I even had to nag him into quit smoking. Thank God he quit smoking. I wish he'd get a normal job like everyone else.

I'm taking a chance on you,

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for writing. It sounds like your husband is Mr. O.

First of all, I can't blame him for talking politics, but I would much rather have him take another vacation to Hawaii. But I'm afraid that even there he will have another political meeting.

Secondly, Have you tried washing his mouth out with soap. When I was a kid and got sassy with my mom or lied to her I got a good taste of Zest. Actually that was a bad taste that did cure me for a day or two. So, with Barak you'll have to keep a lot of Zest around.

Thirdly, losing friends is what you do when you constantly talk politics. He would have much better success telling his friends how much money he can give them. Money always talks.

Fourthly, I'm glad you have the smoking issue under control. But have you walked out behind the White House to see if there are any cigarette butts on the ground? I'm telling you, talking politics the way he does will drive any man to smoke.

As far as the normal job is concerned, there are no normal jobs. They have all gone away. He hasn't caught on yet that the government doesn't actually create jobs. He's busy hindering corporations and companies that do. So in about nine months, good luck job hunting. I have friends who have been without a job for over two years. Just thought I would encourage you.

And in reality, I, too, hope he has a normal job soon.

Hope I've encouraged you,

Rod

Peeved Contractor

Clarence wrote:

Dear Rod,

My name is Clarence and I'm a contractor. The biggest peeve I have with my work is that people expect me to do work for free. It always goes like this: "As long as you are here I've got something else for you to look at. It will only take a few minutes." I never hear them say.... "I'm willing to pay extra" or "would you give me a bid on that?" They're expecting freebies.

Just the other day we were painting this foyer where the ceiling is twenty-two feet high. The second story of this foyer has windows, huge windows, that had not been washed for at least a decade. The owner said, "While you are up there would you please wash the windows." I said, "Sure, that will take about an hour, we can add it on to the bill." He said, "You mean you won't just do it?" I said, "I pay my men by the hour." Well, anyway, to make a long story short, the owner got peeved. When he paid me at the end of the job he shorted me $100.

Do you have any advice on how I should handle this?

Clarence

Dear Clarence,

What an idiot you are! Don't you know that contractors are in the same category as used car salesmen, politicians, lawyers, and doctors who screw up your surgery? Wow! I can't believe you are so naive. But, yes I do have some advice for you.

First, you can remain bitter and take the case to small claims court and waste your time there. You might get your hundred bucks back but I guarantee you that your former client will claim that you did a rotten job painting and that you were lucky to get paid what you did get paid.

Secondly, you can remain bitter and put a lien against his house. Of course that will cost you. But in your state of mind you might consider it worth it just to get even.

Thirdly, you can remain bitter and drive by his house in the middle of the night and throw a handful of roofing nails on the guy's driveway. Good luck sleeping, though.

Fourthly, you can get over it. You can recover the money by not buying those expensive Starbucks drinks for two weeks. You'll probably lose two pounds in the process. So you can write the guy a letter and tell him how happy you are that he cheated you because you are now on a great weight loss program because of it. He might think you are starving and send you the hundred dollars because his conscience is bothering him. But don't count on it because I think he lost his conscience a long time ago.

So, Clarence, don't be an idiot. Just get over it. Think of it this way, you never really lost $100. $52 of those dollars would be taxes. $10 would be your tithes to the church. So all you lost was $38. And think of it, you just got free advice so yo are probably money ahead.

Hope I've helped,

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Poor Loser

Cindi wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've got a real problem that I don't know how to solve. Me and my sister like to play board games and cards and things like that together. In school I was always the better student like as in making the honor roll. My sister Katie never made the honor roll even once. Yet she almost always wins these games. I know I am smarter but she is always winning. Do you have some advice for me?

Dear Cindi,

It looks to me like you have a real life or death problem here. Your situation is of absolutely no interest to my readers or myself, yet, for some unknown reason beyond reason it was the best problem of the day. So, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, I would advise you to quit playing with your sister because you are getting a loser's complex. Conversely, your sister is getting a winner's complex. It will be really hard for you to beat her. And since the joy of the game for you is winning I suggest you quit while Katie is ahead.

Secondly, if you insist on playing games, you could do what most people do in your situation do.....resort to cheating. In fact, the reason your sister always wins must be because she is cheating. If Katie is younger than you, she probably learned early that she had to lie and cheat to beat you. She will go a long way in life. Mr. O is proof of that.

Thirdly, don't think you are so smart just because you made the honor roll. That mainly means that they filled your young skull full of mush with liberalism. That doesn't necessarily mean you are smart, it just means you don't like paper mills. Look at me, I never made the honor roll once and here I am writing this blog. Can you beat that for success?

Finally, find another liberal to play with. You will both find a way to lose. That aught to be a lot of fun. Just don't go to Vegas to play because ironically, all the risk takers are conservatives.

Oh gee, I didn't mean for this to turn political. I'll sure be glad when this presidential election is over.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Mr. O Asks Rod How He is Doing

Mr. O wrote:

Dear Rod,

How are you doing? Ooops, I meant to say, "How am I doing?" What I mean is, how do you think I'm doing with this year's presidential campaign? Did I spell "campaign" right? Well, anyway, I think you probably noticed how I got everybody's attention off the poor economy by making a big deal out of the killing of that black boy in Florida by that white guy. Well, he's white enough since he is hispanic. Boy, all the mainstream media jumped all over that and so did some congressmen and congresswomen. Folks will forget all about Obammycare and the poor economy.

Besides all that, the government is sending checks to 40% of Americans. That's 40% of the people that I can count on to vote for me. Pretty slick, don't you think? I might be able to win this election without buying your endorsement.

So, if the mic isn't on, I just want to say one thing..... screw you and your endorsement.

Sincerely (I think)

Mr. O

Dear Mr. O,

Thanks for writing once again.

Yes, I do think you will get 40% of the vote, but unless you have forgotten, it still takes around 50% to win an election. I am just wondering, are you as concerned about white boys who get murdered by black boys at you are about a black kid getting murdered (and there has been no trial) by someone you think is "white enough?" What ever happened to equality and justice for all? I think you need to know that there are still a lot of Americans who are color blind and believe in equal opportunity and equal justice. Creating a racial crisis is not a way to win an election. Were you an eye witness to the incident in Florida?

Secondly, after the above mentioned incident, the Obammycare fiasco, and the things that were said when you thought the mic was turned off, you couldn't raise enough money to buy my endorsement, which you will badly need to even come close in this election. Remember, Mr. O, all those people receiving free money are going to want a raise or they just might turn on you. It's funny how greed changes people. And where will you get that money. Oh ya, I forgot that you have printing presses.

Well, good luck! November is coming sooner than you realize. Do you want some real crazy advice? Quit before you fall further behind. This could be really embarrassing.

So, how am I doing? Fine. How are you doing? Not so fine.

Sincerely (for sure)

Rod