Avid Reader Misses Blog

Gerald wrote:

Dear Rod,

I noticed that you haven't entered any new blogs for a couple of days. Just want you to know that I read each and every one of them and am deeply disappointed when you don't have a new blog for me each day.

So please keep it up!

Gerald

Dear Jerry,

That is your nick name, isn't it? You are quite the slave driver!

But, here's the problem. I was out trying to make a true living by digging a trench 70 feet long so I could bury some drain tile for a 93 year old lady. If you had been there to help me I could have gotten back to my blogging a little sooner, and we all know that my blog is more important than somebody's house flooding out. As soon as Mr. O or Mr Mitts buys my

endorsement for $1.5 million I won't be digging ditches any longer and will have more time to blog. Actually, with $1.5 million I won't have to blog either. But, hey, everybody has to do something.

I'm glad you like the blog. But you are supposed to write in with a question for advice, not a complaint. So my advice to you is if you don't find a new blog each and every day, go back and read some of the old ones. Or you could start an argument with your wife so you could write in for some advice. Just don't ask for advice on growing lawns because mine isn't doing so good this year. It would help if it would actually snow in Colorado when it's supposed to, but I'm not entirely sure that God would appreciate me telling Him how to run His business. I do better with presidential candidates.

So, Jerry, I'll make you a deal. You quit whining and ask for some advice, and I guarantee you that I will tell you something that is sure to ruin your life. You'll get a kick out of it and so will my readers.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Take This Job and Love It

Kurtis wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been working at this same job for the past fourteen years and I am getting somewhat burned out on it. I work so hard and get so little praise. It does pay our bills and offers a little left over, but I come home in the evening so tired and feeling so negative toward my job that I often want to say, "take this job and shove it." I borrowed that from some country song, but that is the way I feel.

Then when I see how much taxes they take out, it got me to thinking about where that money goes. I know a lot of it goes to entitlements. I have a neighbor who hasn't worked for years and keeps on getting government assistance. It makes me mad that I work so hard at a job I dislike so much while there are others collecting government benefits that I am paying for.

Do you have any advice for me?

Fed up,

Kurtis

Dear Kurt,

I hope I can call you Kurt because I am going to anyway. But thanks for writing and spilling your guts and bad karma all over my blog site. And, yes, I do have some advice for you.

First of all, you are like a lot of Americans who hate their jobs but like the money. If the money would be better for you on welfare.... you'd be on welfare. But for some reason it isn't and that might be the result of your hard work that your boss is showing appreciation to you through your handsome paycheck.

Secondly, write your congressman instead of me. I can't do anything about your taxes or the entitlements that are paid out, but your congress man can. In fact he already has by making these entitlements available to begin with. Write him and tell him how mad you are.

Thirdly, quit spilling your guts about your job. If your boss ever finds out you won't have a job for long. And please don't tell me that you already posted these comments on PaceBook. I can guarantee you your boss looks you up on PaceBook at least once a week. You need to start telling everyone how much you love your job and how good your boss is. I'll bet you will like your job more, and you'll quit scowling when the boss walks into the room.

So my advice to you is "take this job and love it." Then do me a favor, write me after you get a raise, but write your congressman if you don't. Just don't apply for welfare and then spend the rest of your days sitting in front of the TV eating chips and drinking beer with your neighbor.

By the way, I'm digging a 70 foot long ditch with a shovel today, want to join me? You can take this job and "shovel" it.

Committed to Crazy Advice,

Rod

Tax Payer Seeks Advice

Fredrick wrote:

Dear Rod,

I've been going to HMR-Brock tax preparation agency every year for the last sixteen years, and every single year they have charged me more than the previous year to get my taxes done. When I first went there I thought they were pretty high, but now they are really high. The only reason I have been going there is that I get "peace of mind" knowing that they are prepared correctly. And this past year they made an error on my taxes for which I may get audited, and not them. Well, this year I am faced with paying close to $1,000 to get my taxes prepared.

I know it's crazy asking you for advice, but do you have any ideas for me.

Fredrick

Dear Fred,

It is okay if I call you Fred, isn't it? Thanks for writing because you made my day. It's not very often that someone else admits to being crazy, usually I am the only one. And, yes, it is crazy writing me. Of course, that's why people do it. We are all more crazy than we think.

What I think is really crazy is that you stuck with HMR-Brock as long as you have. What it really stands for is How Many Rip-offs by Mr. Brock. And, by the way, how is your peace of mind now since you know they prepared your taxes incorrectly?

I, myself, was also crazy enough to stick with them for as long as I did. When I finally switched to someone else my tax prep bill went from $900 to $200. That was more than enough money to buy a new lazy boy chair, which a lazy man like me needs.

Freddie, have you ever heard of turbo tax? Man, $50 gets you filed and you don't have to drive across town and sit in that chair while some old lady squints at your information and looks at you above the rim of her glasses wondering what kind of idiot walked in to give their money away this time. It's amazing how we feel that spending too much to get our taxes done, then buying some sort of policy is supposed to give us peace of mind. Actually, all that happens is that they get "a piece of mine." A peace of my checking account.

So, Freddie, if you are going to give your money away you can send it to me or at least find somebody you like to give it to. Or you could take the money you saved and make a down payment on that new motor cycle you have always wanted. But save some of the money back to hire the good divorce lawyer you will need.

Hope I've helped. Write and let me know how the motor cycle thing works out.

Committed to soundly crazy advice (oxymoron)

Rod

Pay Some One Else's Taxes

Eugene Wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can give me some good advice because I think I'm in a heap of trouble..... but I don't know why I should be. But the IRS is sure giving me a lot of grief right now. You see, for years I worked for this company as an employee and received W2s every year. I've always paid my taxes in full. Well, in 2010 the company I worked for went out of business. The other day I received a notice from the IRS that I owe over $16,000 in back taxes, saying that I am responsible for the unpaid taxes of this company. Frankly that scared the you know what out of me. Now I am nervous all the time. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice that can help me?

Dear Eugene,

What do you think I am, an accountant or something? Sheesh, the only advice I give out is crazy and I don't know if even that will help you. Have you been saying bad things about Mr. O? If so, he probably sent the IRS after you. Having someone audited is his best weapon. I'm surprised He hasn't tried to use the IRS on Iran or Syria. That would make them shake in their boots.

I would advise you to see an accountant who will get on the phone and tell the IRS what's what. If he doesn't do that, at least he could write the IRS nasty letters, or tell Bill O'Rielly, or Rush Limbaugh, or somebody like that. Who knows, you might become nationally famous like Joe the Plumber or somebody like that. Focks News would have their panels discussing this and some of the best lawyers in the country would be giving you their opinion for free. Who knows, they might even interview you and you can tell the whole nation what you think of the IRS. Use decent words though or all the listeners will here is "bleep, bleepity, bleep. Use the IRS agents name though so the whole conservative world can shame him and the Wall Street protestors can cheer him. Mr. O. might even have a word.

You gotta look at this as a situation to exploit for your own good. I'll even come to the prison and visit you once it is all over..... that is if they don't execute you first for tax evasion. In that case I will take video of you when they give you the needle and put it on U-tube. Just so you know U-tube is different that a U-boat.

Write me and let me know how my advice works out.

Committed to giving crazy advice to the crazy of this world.

Rod

Max Gripes About His Accountant

Max wrote:

Dear Rod,

Every year I go to this tax preparation agency and it seems like every year they assign me to this woman that is old enough that she must be getting senile or something like that very soon. She is so old she can hardly see and she uses a walker to get around. My wife and I sit there doing all we can do to keep from laughing. Once I even had to get up and go outside pretending that I had a cough. But I was laughing so hard that my eyes were watering.

I sure hope you have some advice for me because I don't know if I can stand it another year.

Max

Dear Max,

Where did you say you are from. It sounds like you have the same tax preparer that I do. And yes, I do have some advice.

As humorous as your visit to that tax office may be, stick with your preparer. She is probably the smartest one in the office, and your tax papers will be correct. I found this out the hard way. My wife and I had a similar experience. To keep from laughing at the old lady I resorted to drinking water, but at one point even that couldn't stop my laugh and I had to get up and fein that I had a cough. My wife was experiencing much of the same. We thought, how could that old decrepit lady have her mind about her enough to prepare taxes.

Well, the next year we went to another person at the same agency. She seemed to know her business, and, wallah! she had our taxes done a fraction of the time as before.

Well, this year I went into that same tax agency to get some information. They brought up my tax form from the year before and, oh, oh,..... part of my taxes were filed wrong. Guess who found the error..... the squinting old lady who was pushing a walker around. I went home and told my wife about it and told her...."I'll never make fun of Ruth again."

Max, there is a reason these old people work there. First of all, they are the only ones in the office that know the whole tax code and the agency badly needs them. Secondly, these old ladies need the income.

I suggest to you that when you go to get your taxes done, make like you have a weak bladder so you can get up and run to the can whenever you feel an uncontrollable laugh coming on. But don't laugh too hard because you have the best tax person in the office.

Write me and let me know how it works out.

Rod

Poofy Hair Hater

Samuel wrote:

Dear Rod,

I sure hope you can help me because I think I have the "poofy hair jinx." It seems like every time I go to a public place, to church, a concert, a ball game, etc., I get stuck behind somebody with poofy hair. And sadly, it is not always women. Poof hair means that I can't see much besides their out of style, ridiculous looking hair.

The other day I went to church, sat with some friends, and wouldn't you know it that just before church started this lady sat down right in front of me with the poofiest hair I have ever seen, and for an hour and fifteen minutes that's all I could see. I got nothing out of the sermon because my frustration was building inside me.

This year, for the first time I got season tickets for the Nuggets. Season tickets, of course, means assigned seats. So I got to the game early to enjoy all the pre-game activities. But just as the game started, this guy with an afro sat down right in front of me, so I had to crane my neck the whole game to see the action, and I've been craning my neck ever since the first game.

The same thing happened to me the other day at a concert. I'm really frustrated and fed up. Do you have any advice for me?

Samuel (Sammy)

Dear Sammy,

Thanks for writing. You have a pretty unique situation, but I believe I have some great advice.

First of all, you don't have to go to the ball game because you can probably see it on TV. Not only that the refrigerator and the bathroom are closer by. The game is cheaper, and you get to see replays of the action four or five times. But if you still insist on going to the games, you should grow your own afro so that the guy behind you knows what you are going through.

As far as the concert is concerned, I don't know why you would want to go there and get stampeded anyway. Concert goers are really crazy people. That poofy hair in front of you is probably just a wig. I suggest you grab it and give it a good hard yank.

Now church could be a little more delicate situation because if you get up and move someplace else people get offended thinking you don't like them, and that is not very Christian. So what I would suggest is to bring a pair of sharp scissors and start hacking away. The lady in front of you is probably clapping her hands to the music, so she won't notice. Then quickly hide the scissors and act real innocent. I'm sure your friends sitting around you won't rat you out. They are your friends, aren't they?

Please write me and let me know how things have worked out.

Committed to crazy advice,

Rod

Persuagent

Dear Reader:

Today no one wrote in asking for my crazy but great advice. No pet lovers, no lovers, no, not even presidential candidates. Not even Mr. O himself has written. So I will take this opportunity to bore you with another poem that I wrote a number of years ago. At the time of writing this poem I had just failed in my career as an insurance agent, and the poem is about that experience. After reading this you will also know that I failed as a poet. Link a bunch of failures together though and suddenly you have success..... at something. Enjoy the poem.

PERSUAGENT

I am not a member of the "persuagent"

I found this out as an insurance agent

For twenty-some years I thought I could persuade

Preaching the Christian gospel was my crusade

For all those years I strived to tell

My flock how to live their lives so well

With the Spirit's anointing I gave the passionate plea

For people to accept Christ on bended knee

Many a soul gave their hearts to God

Then bore fruit as life's path they trod

Today I pastor that church no more

Things have changed in my life for sure

But since I thought I had the knack to be persuagent

I thought I could work as an insurance agent

I attended the classes to get my "degree"

My company even paid the fee

They were expecting a lot from me

And that is really how it should be

When I reported for service, I didn't know what to expect

But on the first day I learned the word "Prospect"

This was an order that was standing tall

I had to learn how to "cold call"

Picking up the phone was the hardest part

I really didn't know how to start

"Dialing for dollars" had to become an art

But was very nerve-wracking for an upstart

The few people I did get a chance to see

Didn't make it a habit of buying from me

I tried to be very "persuangent"

But few would buy from this insurance agent

So as a matter of survival

I'd be better off holding a revival

I bid farewell to this "lucrative" career

I'm sorry it lasted only one year

By Rod Speed

Note: From there I went into business for myself remodeling houses and doing carpentry and home repairs for others.